The very best of Ali G

If you haven't already heard about him, Ali G is the bad boy rapper straight outta Staines in the UK, near Windsor, where the queen lives. He may live with his Nana in the suburbs and has spent more time in Drive thru's than in Drive by's, but he intends to change the world.

Talking to the great and the good about the issues that really matter, Ali is the only interviewer prepared to ask the really difficult questions like "what was it like to walk on the sun?" to Buzz Aldrin or asking the ex head of the FBI to cast his mind back to the grassy knoll and ask "who really shot JR?".

This bloke is a genius. I can't locate on the net a video of that address but here's some of his CLASSIC quotes from various interviews.

Speaking with George Paton Orange Lodge Grandmaster in N Ireland...

Ali : When you is on your marches is there music?
George : There is lots of music.
Ali : Is you knocking out a drum and bass sound or is it more speed garage?
George : *pause* Er, different drummers have different styles.
Ali : Do you not think you should use a bit of human beat box? Then people could really chill.
Ali : Would you ever marry a protestant girl?
George : Perhaps.
Ali : Well that is a good gesture, no. Wot about marrying a Catholic girl?
George : Possibly because of my faith I would not.
Ali : But what if she was fit?
George : Again, because of my religion, no.
Ali : But what if she had her own car, AND sound system and she wasn't gonna be stealing money off you all the time. Would you marry 'er then?
George : I think I could be friends with Catholics.
Ali : Bu' could you get giggy with them?
George : It's hard for some people to understand, but because of my faith, no.
Ali : But what if they woz really, really fit?
George : NO.
Ali : Wot about the band the Corrs? Would you marry them?
George : NO!
Ali : So you is telling me that if they walked in 'ere now and asked you to marry them you wouldn't.
George : Because of my faith, no.
Ali : All three of them.
George : NO.
Ali : So you really believe this stuff then!



Talking to Sue Ramsey. A member of the assembly of Sinn Fein...

Ali : Wot is it the language that they speak 'ere?
Sue : Gaelic.
Ali : GAY-LICK? What is that botty language or somfin, what is the real name of it?
Ali : What is the vibe with drugs in Ireland? It might be stereotyping or whatever man but I is heard that the Irish is always up for the
crack.
Sue : No, no. Crack in Ireland means having a good time.
Ali : A'ight, for real but crack is a bad drug there is a high but also a low.



Talking to the Lord Mayor of Ireland...

Ali : Me don't know what going on 'ere.
Mayor : Well there are some people in Ireland who want to become a part the United Ireland and then there are people who would like to become a part of United Kingdom.
Ali : And where does Wogan stand? Is he in the IRA?



Censorship with James Thurman...

Ali : That has got to be the best job no? Watching porno all day. I mean you've been doing it for 25 years man and surely no one can keep it hard for that long?
Ali : Why did they ban The Chocolate Orange?
James : Clockwork Orange.
Ali : Whatever.
Ali : Do you not think that the category 18 is too vague. Do you not think that you should 'av a category that guarantees you muff?
Ali : What swear words make an 18. Is flange an 18?
James : What is flange?
Ali : It's a word for the punani. What about virgina? Does that make it an 18 coz that is the most dirty word man. That makes it sound 'orrible.



Tony Benn

Ali : Why do they call it the welfare state? Is it coz it is well fair?
Ali : Unemployment benefit is wicked no, coz you get money for doing nothing, just chilling.
Ali : Me want to work when me want to work. Most of the time me want to just chill or whatever, or just hang with me beetches.
Ali : The good thing about electing celebrities is that you know what day is like, ufferwise you get the MP's and then you find out that after a year that they is like, you know sleeping with horses or whatever.



Judge Pickles and Law...

Ali : When can you murder someone?
Pickles : Well that's really a nonsensical question if I may say so because if you are entitled to kill somebody it's not murder.
Ali : OK, but can you murder someone if someone, lets say called your mum a slag, diss your mama? .. If they call your mum a slag, you ring up the police, the police 'aint gonna do nothing, you know they laugh at you.
Pickles : It depends I suppose, if you called my mother a slag and I then killed you, provocation can reduce murder to manslaughter,
Ali : So where's the line then? If they call her slag - manslaughter, if they call her bitch - is that murder?
Ali : Do you think women should be on juries?
Pickles : Oh yes, of course.
Ali : What about when they got the painters in?
Pickles : I'm sorry?
Ali : What about when it's rag week? How can they be thinking straight, serious! Serious, my woman, she doesn't know what's going on, guilty *everyone is guilty when it's her time, everyone is guilty, I do something small - GUILTY! You should be chopped, whatever.
Pickles : I don't honestly think you could start asking people intimate questions and say "no, you can't do this."
Ali : Exactly, this is why you should not have women on juries.



Education with Rhodes Boyson...

Ali : What is education.
Rhodes : Education is basic literacy and numeracy.
Ali : And what is they?
Ali : What do you reckon about the Maffs.
Rhodes : What, the Maths?
Ali : Ayyy. Do you rate tha Maffs or do you rock tha Maffs?
Rhodes : What is the Maffs?
Ali : You know. One, two, three or whatever.
Rhodes : I see, yes.
Ali : Well why don't they teach propa Maffs in schools?
Rhodes : What do you mean by propa Maths?
Ali : Instead of teaching kilos and grams, why don't the teach ounces,
quarters and eighths?
Rhodes : Yes, I mean in baking you need to know those terms.
Ali : Ayyy, for real. Me know baking.
Rhodes : I bake my own breakfast every morning.
Ali : Ayyy. An me make ME own breakfast an all. I mean who ever bought a kilo of anything man. Except me mate Dave but he's gone down now.

Ali : Do you think we should have mixed schools?
Rhodes : I think that everyone should have the choice.
Ali : Do you not think that in mixed schools, all the boyz will spend all their time chasing muff, and all the girls spend all their time
preparing their muff?
Ali : Well me, me got an A+ in punani but me fail me exams coz me spend all me time chasing the kitty.
Rhodes : Well that's your fault.
Rhodes : I think, overall, single sex schools perform better than mixed ones.
Ali : But do you not think that single sex girls schools bread, well, people who drink from the furry cup?
Rhodes : Well never having drunk from the furry cup one doesn't know what liquor is kept in it.
Ali : Well you know them girls who drink from the furry cup, also, eat from the bushy plate. You know what I is getting at?
Ali : Do you think sex education should be taught in schools?
Rhodes : No, it should be taught within the family.
Ali : Do you think that porn stars should teach the kids?
Rhodes : No
Ali : Why not?
Rhodes : I do not respect them.
Ali : But they has had more experience than anyone, man. Someone who has had a four header will no how to cope with any situation.
Ali : Well you have shown that, Education should be spread throughout the nation, if we want to get into the space station. Wicked, reespect, boyaka-sha, big up.



The Bishop of Corsham...

Ali : Jesus. Does he really have a beard?
Bish : Not necessarily.
Ali : Is he a man or a woman?
Bish : He's neither a man nor woman.
Ali : Wot? you mean he's a ladyman?
Ali : But wot has god ever done.
Bish : He made the world.
Ali : Wot he made the world?
Bish : Yes.
Ali : Did he?
Bish : I can only tell you what I believe.
Ali : So you saying god made the world? And since then he's just chilled.
Ali : What about the Virgin Mary? Is she really a virgin?
Bish : Yes.
Ali : Was she really?
Bish : I believe she was. She found herself pregnant.
Ali : But me know girls who also find themselves pregnant. There muffa's say wotz been 'appening 'ere. They say "listen, you been mucking about? 'Ave you been drunk maybe? Don't lie to me."



Talking to James Whittaker about Princess Di...

Ali : Why was she nobbing that Pakistani?
James: He wasn't a Pakistani he was an Egyptian.
Ali : A'ight...
James : She fell in love with him and she had a summer romance.
Ali : Will Carr-mella ever be queen?
James : Camilla?
Ali : A'ight Carr-mella.
James : I think she will.
Ali : Do you think that a lot of the objection to Camilla is because she is so minging?
James : So *what*?
Ali : So minging.
James : What does minging mean?
Ali : Her face is very.. ugly. NO me didn't wanna say that.. she's RANK.
She's rank.
James : Most women in this country...
Ali : A'ight - are a bit dodgy.
James : Well no, being compared to Diana who was a very beautiful...
Ali : She was tasty.
James : Very tasty - so you put anybody up against Diana and it's a wee bit of a problem. She is also a very fit woman. She rides well -
Ali : She 'aint fit man!
James : No this isn't Diana I understand Prince Charles as well -
Ali : But she look like Rod Hull.

Ali : She does man.. what do you think about Fergie?
James : I think she is a... decent person -
Ali : Did they not find pictures of her sucking someone's nob or something?
James : No they wouldn't find pictures like that - you're referring to sucking someone's toes or having her toes sucked...
Ali : A'ight but they used the word toe.. they used the word toe
James : NO.. er watch it... naughty!



Women

Ali : Boyaka-sha. Check dis. Today we is talking about the women. I is with none other than Sue Leetch. She be none other than director of the centre for gender research and we is going to talking about ladies.
Now, one in two people in the country is "a women", so we has got to know about this. Women. They is important aren't they?
Sue : They indeed are, very important, as important as men.
Ali : Which is better? Man or Woman?
Sue : Well equality is not about who is better.
Ali : But which one is better? But one must be just a little bit better.
Sue : In what way?
Ali : Like, in the way that somefin is worse and somfin is better.
Ali : Do you think there will ever be a female Prime Minister?
Sue : There has been one.
Ali : Who?
Sue : Mrs. Thatcher.
Ali : Yeah but she wasn't a real Prime Minister. Do you think they'll ever let another one slip through?
Ali : Do you think that a women should be able to 'av any job?
Sue : I think so yeah.
Ali : Yeah, but would you feel safe thought if you new a women was flying your plane.
Sue : Would you feel safe then? Do you feel safe being driven by a women?
Ali : Nope. Would you not be scared though that she might start nattering or what ever or start finking about fings and then forget to
fly the plane, and get angry with somebody?
Ali : A lot of boys me know are trying to get their girlfriend to try a bit of feminism, do you think that if right?
Sue : Yeah I do actually I think it's a good thing.
Ali : Do you think all girls should try feminism at least once? Do you think it's right that they should try it when they is drunk at a party or what ever with one of their mates?
Sue : What is trying feminism?
Ali : You know try a bit of feminism and when they is sober wake up in the morning and get back with their boyfriend?
Sue : What do you mean?
Ali : When they kiss a women.
Ali : Me uncle Jamal say that he is tri-sexual. That he will try anything that is sexual. What does that mean?
Sue : There are a lot of people who would like to have sexual relationships with men and women.
Ali : So you think that he is saying that he is having it with blokes?
Sue : Yes.
Ali : Ayyy?
Sue : It would suggest that or that he is interested in it, but maybe not done it. It depends what done it means.
Ali : So you fink my uncle Jamal is a botty boy?
Sue : I don't think he is a botty boy but...
Ali : So you think that he just like it in both pipes?
Sue : Not necessarily.
Ali : So you think that it is a joke? Coz he is a joker. Coz if you call him that to his face he'd probably kill ya.



Ali in an Art Gallery looking at Paintings...

Ali : Who be dis cheeky lickle lady?
Guide : It's a friend of Van Gough
Ali : She look like she just been having??
Guide : She doesn't look very happy.
Ali : Perhaps she just been taken up the wrong 'en or something?



Ali in the Royal opera house...

Ali : Look at dis. It's the royal opera 'ouse. Don't it look rubbish? That's why they is spending 25 billion squid to try to make it look like the John Nike Leisure centre in Bracknell.
Ali : Why is it that so many of the singers 'ere are so terribly fat?
Guide : They're not all fat.
Ali : Is it because of the discrimination that you is letting all of the fatties in?
Ali : What is the acoustic like in 'ere.
Guide : It's brilliant.
Ali : Wicked.
Guide : Try it.
*Ali Sings* HERE ME NOW, RYYYYYYYDE THE PUNANI. RIDE THE PUNANI.

Ali : So, if you wanna sample some culture you can spend fifty squid on
a night out at the opera or me can get you a bag of skunk DIS BIG.



The Health Service and Faith healers...

Ali : I have been told that I have 'ealing hands. I can make some girls have one that haven't ever had one before.
Healer : Well you're a lucky man aren't you.
Ali : For real. Is it not just down to technique or whatever, coz I know a few tricks. Or is it that I is keeping the vibe going to the punani?



Consulting Western Medicine...

Ali : Can you check me?
Healer : Can I see your tongue?
Ali : Me tongue's a bit dirty. That is a little bit down to me Julie this morning.



Fashion...

Ali : Respecting wot you is wearing now. You is styling it, you is rocking. Wot is it?
Thomas : It's mohair.
Ali : Mo' hair? Mo' hair, from the muff?
Ali : Why do you not put your labels on the clothes? If you do you is selling the clothes and advertising the clothes. You is knobbing two
ladies with one johnny, no?
Ali : Will you make clothes for any women?
Thomas : I don't have a problem with that. As long as they are happy to wear them.
Ali : Even if they is mingers?
Thomas : Mingers?
Ali : You know, "Nice Personality". You know, face like a rotweilers arse.
Thomas : I find that very offensive
Ali : Do you think that the wonder bra should be banned?
Thomas : What on earth for?
Ali : You think you is going to get something that isn't there?
Thomas : It's your fault for thinking that in the first place.
Ali : The other week tho me was in dis club an me see this girl, she had a bad face but these serious babylons man, and me was grinding wiv 'er and me was doing the boggle and me took 'er 'ome and me unleash them and day disappear. One on the floor, one behind her back.That aint fair.
Thomas : You have to give it her. She fooled you.
Ali : Me did give it to her but me still no fink it fair.



Talking to Prof. Heinz Wollf about the big bang...

Ali : Would it be louder than all the car stereos in the World,Universe and England and America put together and any alienstereos out there?

Ali : What is the smallest thing in the world. What ever it is it can't be smaller than salt. Salt is the smallest thing knownto man?
FLOUR. Flour is the smallest thing? I got it muddledup.



Ali talks to Adrian Knoble about acting and drama...

Ali : How did you get into acting?
Adrian :Well actually there was a girl who I liked at school who was in a play. I auditioned, got the part and started going out with her. Since then I've had the bug.
Ali : What, she gave you the lurgy?



Wales...

Ali : Check dis. I is now in a coal mine which is where the Wales people used to live, underground. Millions of years ago miners lived under here before they became human beings.
Miner : They never lived here, they just worked here.
Ali : They worked in 'ere? What a crap job.
Miner : Now I'd like to show you some photographs
Ali : So why is it mainly buffers who is working down here? Why is it mainly the black man? That's a bit racialist
Miner : Oh no, that's sweat and dirt.
Ali : Whatever, but why has he blacked himself up and tried to be like a buffer?



Environment

Ali : For them people out there, what is they actually doing? Why is they here?
Protester : There are so little trees left in London and they are going to cut them down and build a multi storey cinema complex
and a roof top car park in.
Ali : Ow, wicked.
Protester : It's going to house over 1000 cars!
Ali : Ah, but is it going to be one of those new cinemas with air conditioning and Dolby surround?
Protester : I don't know but it will be a modern cinema of some sort.
Ali : A'ight, but they is wicked no?

Ali : We is now going to meet the main copper, the guy what is sorting it all out.
Copper :Hello.
Ali : If it comes to a ruck who do you think is going to win?
Copper :It's not going to come to a ruck.
Ali : Ayyy, but if it does?
Copper :No it's not going to come to a ruck. This is being dealt with as peacefully as possible.
Ali : Is it possible for us to get in?
Copper :Not at this stage because it's still dangerous.
Ali : Is it coz I is black?(he's white)
Copper :Not at all.

Ali : Do you not think that it's time for the protesters to start looking out for themselves and protecting themselves?
Protester : Well violence doesn't solve anything now does it?
Ali : Well I don't know, it does.
Protester : Well it don't.
Ali : Yeah, well mainly it does.
Protester : Not really. You can't conquer nothing with violence can you.
Ali : Well you can.
Protester : In what situation?
Ali : Well, in a violent one.

Ali : All right. Me has heard both sides of the argument. Me don't understand either of them. But me is well up for a ruck anyway...