Welcome to the Theatre of... Cadbury Dreams!

There's still no official word from Malcolm Glazer after his ManYoo takeover, but fortunately F365 has managed to intercept an open letter from the bearded wonder to the club's fans. Sorry, customers...

Howdy soccer fans,

My name is Malcolm Glazer, but you all can call me Mr G anyways up. I'm the new owner of the Manchester Red Devils Untied after being such a huge fan for about as long as most of you guys. As my good friend Victor Kiam once said, I liked the club so much I bought it.

I've loved those crazy Devils ever since the day I saw Eric Morecambe win the Ultimate Fighting championship in London town. I've been hooked ever since and if you cut me I'll be bleeding red blood.

My boys are the same - young Joel's been known to lift his shirt and kiss his button when those Red Devils net a score.

I haven't made it to the Trafford Centre (soon to be the Theatre of Cadbury's Dreams) yet but I'm told it's awesome and well worth $100 a seat of anybody's money. And I really do mean anybody's money.

My mission statement is that I will Supersize the Red Devils, to make them Presidents of the United States of Manchester and wage a war on terror against the evildoers in the south - Joe Mourinho and that goddamn Ruskie as well as Arthur Wenger and his cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

I pledge to take Untied into the English Premier League Championship World Series play-offs and I'll be trusting that fine Scotchman McFerguson to take us all the way there - even if we have to go into extra regulation time in the round of eight.

I've already made the acquaintance of one of your soccer half-backs Gaz Neville Jnr and he tells me he's the main man - the equivalent of the quarter-back in real football, only twice as important. I'm a businessman so I understand fractions.

Anyways, he's a fine fella and I'll definitely be keeping him in the draft - along with that fiery redhead cutie Paula Scholes. I like that man Royston Keane too - he's kinda offensive, but he can also play in defense.

Then there's that top dude Kleberson, who won the World Superbowl Challenge so must be a real goal-getter. And of course there's Timmy Howard - I know his daddy and he's brought up a fine boy. Even if he has got a foul mouth.

You'll be stoked to know that I'll be getting shot of the porky redneck and the horse - you can't put faces like those on t-shirts, mugs, bedspreads or the new Red Devils fold-away ironing board.

You might not think I know dandy about soccer but my good friend Alexi Lalas said to me..."nice beard, Mr G", and that's advice I'm bringing with me to Manchester, England.

I'll be thinking of you all on Sunday while the old Red Devils are rushing for yardage at the Mile End Stadium. Don't forget to pop in at the Manchester Untied Coca-Cola Mega Mega Megastore on your way to Welshtown.

Yours in sport and sports team management...

Mr G