'First, let go of my thighs'

What the good, the bad and the far from ugly said in 2005 about everything from breeding to balls

Eat, drink ...

It is simply wrong-headed for the government to tell the entire population that it cannot be trusted to drink after 11pm.
Tessa Jowell, Culture Secretary - ignoring police advice on the need to avoid round-the-clock drinking

I don't mind the odd locust - it tastes like a prawn - and the secret of drinking blood is to get it down quickly.
Bruce Parry, former Marine, looking back on living with remote tribes in 2004 for a series of BBC documentaries

I'm moving towards being a vegan. When I crack an egg, I think 'could that have been a baby?'
Actress Heather Mills McCartney

I would rather die than let my kid eat instant soup.
Actress Gwyneth Paltrow

What seems incredibly kitsch and amusing in a photoshoot ends up looking like some German porno star gone mad when you see it on the page.
Nigella Lawson on posing for a photograph with fruit

Doing things sober is no way to get things done. I've tried to explain that to ministers but they just don't get it. Turn up in the morning pissed. You might cope a little better, love.
Louise Casey, Tony Blair's chief adviser on anti-social behaviour, at a local government conference

Toff's corner

God forbid that the wrong drop of blood should get into their Labradors. But their children marry everywhere.
Princess Michael of Kent, allegedly descended from Charlemagne, claiming that the British only take breeding horses and dogs seriously

To be honest, it's just that bit less classy. I've seen a few people here who aren't even wearing ties.
Cleveland Henry, seasoned race-goer, commenting on Ascot's controversial and temporary move to York

Fond of gardening and a bit of rough and tumble.
Will Self, writer, on the British aristocracy

Six hundred and ninety seven years.
Sir Thomas Ingleby's accurate answer to a question on an official form, asking how long the family had lived at the present address

Time travel

Darling, that is a long way in the future. It is too far ahead for me to even think about.
Cherie Blair - asked if she would miss her role as Britain's first lady

I was able to juggle two or three mistresses at a time. But Diana chose men who were horrible to her and would not take any comfort from me.
George Melly, writer and singer looks back on his open marriage

Britain faces a pensions time bomb which for too long has been swept under the carpet.
Michael Howard

Considering that the first moon landing took place more than 30 years ago, I rather thought we might have managed to colonise it by now.
Patrick Moore, astronomer

How can you tell your wife that you are popping out to play a match, and then not come home for five days?
Rafael Benitez, Liverpool's football manager - bewildered by cricket

Way of all flesh

We want you to get up the arse of the White House and stay there.
Sir Christopher Meyer, former ambassador to Washington, recalling advice he received from Jonathan Powell, the Prime Minister's foreign affairs adviser, when he took over the embassy in 1997

The bloke who kicked me in the head was one of the nicest blokes in the company. It was just Marine humour.
Ray Simmons, the Royal Marine knocked unconscious in a naked initiation rite captured on video

He is very depressed about being middle aged. It's a downhill slope to gum disease, wheelchair rides and death.
Sue Townsend on her creation, Adrian Mole, who is now 38

All the illusions of grandeur you have about me are wrong. We're going to sit and talk, but first of all you must disengage your fingers from my thighs.
Leonardo di Caprio to a passionate fan at an airport

I'll stop sleeping with boys.
Michael Jackson, just after his acquittal on charges of child abuse. He was talking about sharing beds platonically


When you have to decide whether to spend money on a vibrator or a pacemaker, life gets very difficult.
Actress Joan Rivers on the problems of middle age

The Achilles heel which has bitten us in the backside all year, has stood out like a sore thumb.
Andy King, manager of Swindon Town

That's OK then

So many here you know are underprivileged anyway. So this is working very well for them.
Barbara Bush, the President's mother, on conditions for people in the Houston Astrodome after Hurricane Katrina

I don't have the time. I keep listening to music, although I do love fashion magazines.
Posh Spice explaining why she has never read a book

Our outfits are not tacky. They're pure class.
Peter Andre commenting on his outfit when he married Jordan. He wore a shimmering waistcoat of Swarovski crystal and ivory white shoes made of stingray skin

Apart from our eight-bedroomed manor house, the Jaguar, the limousine, the gold pistols, the Dada sculpture and the helicopter pad in the garden - no.
Uri Geller, asked if he had any serious worries

Dishing the dirt

I have investigated slaughter houses cleaner than some hospitals.
Professor Hugh Pennington, Britain's leading micro biologist

Not only has he gone behind my back right in front of my face, but he's lying. Craig Bellamy, Newcastle United striker, on his row with Graeme Souness the club's manager

Clumsy, insensitive, rushed quantity and wasteful.
The urban taskforce, run by the architect Lord Rogers on John Prescott's plans for an urban renaissance

Keep smiling and don't worry about your hair. It will be full of baby sick for months.
Actress Anna Friel offers advice to new mothers

You may be Jewish, but you're just like a concentration camp guard. You are just doing it because you are paid to, aren't you?
London mayor Ken Livingstone to an Evening Standard reporter who asked questions he did not like

I emerge as a complete and utter hypocritical berk.
Piers Morgan, former editor of the Daily Mirror on his diaries published his year

...And finally

Did Christ come down from the cross?
Pope John Paul II (reportedly) when asked whether his long-term illness would make him resign. He died later in the year

At the end of the day, you've got to have the balls to be feminine.
Susannah Constantine giving advice on BBC 1 on what not to wear

Life without sport is like life without underpants.
Billy Bowden, New Zealand cricket umpire

Israel must be wiped off the map.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran

I'm just a south London oik who has risen above his station.
Ken Livingstone - musing