this.is.anfield: European Men - As seen by dumb yanks

Great Britain is England, Scotland and Wales. The United Kingdom is Great Britain plus North Ireland. Most people don't understand this technicality, nor do they care. They toss Ireland into the lot and call the whole thing Britain. That's fine, but the truth is, England is the only one of the bunch that has anything going for it. Unlike the others, England has a past, a future and a decent football team. When we say "British," we're talking about England.

Ladies, you shouldn't bother with men from the neglected parts of the British Isles. Scottish men wear skirts, play terrible musical instruments, are afraid of water monsters and will try to feed you a lamb liver wrapped in sheep stomach. Irish guys are belligerent alcoholics, claim to see little green men at the end of a rainbow and although their favorite hobby is arguing, they're absolutely miserable at it. Men from North Ireland will try convincing you to carry a suspicious package on your flight back home. And Welch men - Have you ever met anyone from Wales? We've been to the country three times and barely remember meeting anyone. There's nothing to be said for them.

Not only do the neglected countries lack modern day bragging rights, but they've also made few (if any) historical contributions to society. Have you ever tried reading something by Irish author James Joyce? What a bloody nightmare! A boring six-page story about a little boy who went to a flea market and didn't buy anything is supposedly symbolic for sexual discoveries and a loss of innocence. Then there's William Wallace, the pride of Scotland. After the movie Braveheart became a hit, the William Wallace museum created a life-sized statue of their hero and put him out front? However, the statue isn't William Wallace; it's Mel Gibson.

Potential Boyfriend Names

Name...................................Pronunciation
Benjamin .............................ben-NAY
Cameron .............................CAM-run
Callum ................................Column
Charles ...............................CHAW-lee
Daniel .................................dan-YOUL
Harold .................................Airy
Jack ...................................Jack
Michael ...............................mike-KAY
Oliver ..................................OLIVE-uh
Peter ..................................PETE-uh
William ...............................Wills

Four Insights into British Culture

British Dogs

There's nothing noteworthy about the dogs in Britain, but you might be curious to know that the nation's number one road kill is the hedgehog.

British Driving

If you hopped into the driver's seat in Britain, you'd be on the wrong side of the car driving on the wrong side of the road. Instead of stop signs, the British drive around in circles. Passing the drivers license test is next to impossible: If a driver does something "wrong" (such as forgetting to put on the parking break at a stop light), they fail. There's a six month wait for another chance to test. When British people finally receive their license, they don't have to renew it until they're 70.

Drunk driving laws in Britain are crazy, so don't expect your date to pick you up in a flashy sports car. He'll arrive on foot because he left his keys at home on the kitchen table. If he's caught with keys in his pocket and he's within 50 feet of his car, he can be arrested for a DUI. British are extreme about drunk driving.

British Time Telling Abilities

Most British people wear digital watches because they find the ones with the hands a bit confusing. They're also baffled by thermostats: all beer is served at least twenty degrees too warm.

British Theft

The British bobbies (policemen) aren't issued weapons - instead they carry around big sticks. Beefeaters (policemen who guard palaces) don't even have sticks. They just have rifles loaded with blanks and frumpy red hats. They look like clowns trying out for the Nutcracker. For some reason big sticks and clowns are a real crime deterrent because the Brits don't have too many problems.

Useful British Phrases

What You'll Want To Say .................................How To Say It:
Get that shit you call food away from me. .............No thanks, I'm not hungry
I'm so hungry, I haven't eaten in weeks. ................Is there an Indian restaurant around?
Keep talking - I just want to hear your sexy voice...Are you a football fan?
Sorry, darling, not interested............................... Do I look like a two-bit slag?
Your jokes aren't funny and Mr. Bean sucks......... Humor in Britain is different than America.

How to Meet Him

The only place to meet a British man is in a pub, unless, of course, you happen to meet him in the streets on his way home from the pub. Don't think of a British pub the way you think of an American bar because they're worlds apart. Yes, both have beer, liquor and dirty old men, but Brits use their pubs as community gathering points. Many pubs even have swing sets and picnic tables out back so you can bring along the whole family.

Tips for the Date

Primping for your date? You should probably ditch the evening gown because you're heading out for a night in the pub - probably the same pub you met him in because that's the only place he ever goes. And unless he mentioned something about Indian food, you should eat dinner before he arrives. The British aren't known for their scrumptious cuisine and pub food is no exception. The grease on an order of fish and chips turns the whole meal white if left sitting for any length of time. Baked beans and bangers (sausage) are nearly inedible and blood pudding is as miserable as it sounds. You can order the spotted dick for desert, but you can guess where we recommend you shove it.

What You Should Know about Britain

You probably think proper British accents make people sound adorable and refined, but that's limited to London and what you've seen from Hollywood. Most dialects sound like people are fighting against a frog in their voice box to cough up a few words.

What You Need To Know About British Cities

Belfast..............................You'll probably want to stay away.
Cambridge.........................If he mentions going to school here, he's one of the rare smart ones.
Cardiff ..............................Somewhere in Wales.
Dublin...............................Not as cool on St. Patrick's Day as NYC.
Edinburgh..........................Funny accents.
Glasgow............................Even funnier accents.
Liverpool............................Gave birth to the Beatles.
London..............................Where your flight probably arrives.
Manchester.......................Ooooh baby, David Beckham.
Oxford..............................Clinton was in school here for a semester.
Stratford-Upon-Avon...........Think Shakespeare.
Windsor............................If you really need to see a castle, the best is here.

Impressing His Mother

His mother is bound to be a major packrat. The country is flooded with antiques because ladies like her never throw anything away. The easiest way to win her over is to ask questions about her furniture. She'll launch into a ten hour spiel about how the coffee table belonged to her grandmother's best friend's cousin, but through a series of deaths, she was able to get her hands on it. If you appear interested and refrain from interrupting, you're in.

British Girl Competition

To picture a typical British girl, think Scary Spice but not as good-looking. She's loud and opinionated and if you're competing for a boy, she's going to do her best to make your life miserable. If she asks for a fag, it's a not a bad thing. If she calls you a slag, it's your cue to punch her. Ignore any strange phrase such as "Bob's your uncle" and "Taking the Mickey." It's all part of some silly humor that isn't worth an explanation.

When You Want Him to Go Away

British men are insanely loyal when it comes to their local football (soccer) team. British football lunatics make headlines for beating the hell out of everyone and everything. They get so into the game that they start fights whether their team wins or loses. It's a little crazy, but you can manipulate his weakness for football to get rid of him. Hopefully you won't get injured in the process.

Let's pretend, for example, that your British man is from Ipswich. An Ipswich man hates everything that has to do with their rival, the Norwich Canaries. Norwich's colors are yellow and green and they're sponsored by Coleman's mustard. The easiest way to get rid of him is to wear nothing but yellow and green. Within a day or two, he will start loathing you. His hatred may be a displaced subconscious thing or it may spawn from your refusal to change your clothes. If for some reason, he's completely oblivious to your wardrobe, paint yourself yellow and green and walk around with a stuffed canary on your shoulder and a jar of Coleman's in your purse. He'll be gone in no time.