An Idiot's Guide to Woman-Management (Part 1 of 3)

Disclaimer: The following “Idiot’s Guide to Woman Management” is a sarcastic anecdote intended solely for enjoyment purposes. The author of this essay, while having slanderous intentions, must remind you that by abiding by the rules in the following article, men may be subject to any of the following: injury to the groin area, restriction orders, towing at the owner’s expense, sudden loss of clothing/hair, ostracism, lack of sexual activity, nose bleeds, violent diarrhea, legal indictment, death by impalement or le guillotine, or at minimum, divorce.

Before you begin reading, notify your local law enforcement agency, grab a beer, and tell your girlfriend, wife or concubine to get the fuck outta the room.

You’re doing man stuff now.

Haiku for the Ladies

If I may say so
You're all insane and lucky
that you have a twat

An Idiot’s Guide to Woman Management

Throughout all of his existence, man has longed to understand the ways of the universe. Out of all of the time and energy spent trying to unlock mysteries of God and universe, it was not until recently that I have been able to figure out an especially intricate riddle: the woman. Why are you so fortunate, you ask? Good question.

It was not by divine intervention or some fancy hypnosis. No, I have devoted the last twenty years of my life to studying the woman. I have poured over magazine articles, slept with many women, and even observed them in their natural habitat: the shopping mall. Through a rigorous trial-and-error process, I studied many a woman and came to find how their mind works (or doesn’t work). By understanding a woman’s psyche, I now have the ability to know what they want, something previously deemed impossible. As a result of these years of study and perseverance, I devised the following detailed strategy of attracting, capturing, handling, and taming the elusive beast…ahem, woman.

Part I: What Women Really Want is Money and a Big Dick

If you go to any public event, you’ll see an unattractive man with a beautiful woman just about everywhere you look. Why does this happen? Do these men know something all men don’t? No, you see, there is only one reason: these men have a great deal of money. Parallel your finances with an artery. In this metaphor, then, women are comparable to blood-sucking vampire bats that can never have enough blood until your vein is dry, your heart stopped, your body rotted and decayed, and your agony has seeped into every crevice of your soul.

Well, back to the point. The men that best make it known that they have money are the most successful with women. The optimum way to do that is to grab a hundred-dollar bill and wipe it over your suit. The bill produces an irresistible scent that will attract even married women.

Besides money, the most influential elements in enticing a female are a big dick and hygiene. You either have a big dick or you don’t. If you don’t, I don’t know what to tell you. Make more money, I guess? Hygiene, however, you can control. It encompasses everything from the way your hair looks, down to your toenails; remember that all aspects are important. Although your hair and your toenails may be of different colors and shapes, there is a constant you can use while grooming your appearance: Be. Masculine. Approaches to appearance include the lumberjack, the pirate (yar!), and the retired rock star look. These appeal to most females because, generally, women prefer hairy, unorganized men. A neat, well-shaven man looks exceedingly feminine and essentially the woman thinks that he is unable to control her.

Important: Do not spend more than two minutes a day on your physical appearance; after all, it is a woman’s moral obligation (as the Bible states) to look good for you. If you are unable to abide by the two-minute rule, buy a fucking stopwatch. As long as you abide by this rule, urinate on trees, or have an abundant amount of money, you should attract any woman within a 5-mile radius, even with a small penis.

Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a tad. Money, a big donkey dick, and hygiene can only get you so far. There are, of course, several other aspects you must perfect in order to attract a woman. Your vocabulary is important. For instance, a proper greeting for a woman would be: “Hey bitch, let’s go back to my pad and I’ll oil you up while I procreate all over your face?” Notice the word “procreate.” That’s a twenty-five cent word! And guess what. Women are impressed with anything over a nickel. Bear in mind that different women expect different amounts of intelligence. Generally, however, impressing a woman is as easy as talking about lawn care, things you find wrong with her appearance, or a golf match.

WATCH OUT FOR PART II - TOMORROW - MARCH 02 2006