An Idiot's Guide to Woman-Management (Part 2 of 3)

Previously: Part I

Part II: Let’s Get You a Date, Ugly

Now that you have a woman-pleasing appearance, money in your pocket, and the correct aura about yourself, it’s time to ask that special lady on a date. I suggest “stalking” your prey for several nights to find out her routine. You see, you’re essentially trying to find a time that makes it seem like serendipity. Women have been brainwashed from the womb by Disney, Shakespeare, and Sex in the City, you see, and if you go up asking “What’s your sign?” she’ll kick you right in the Scorpio.

In the process of “stalking” her, I recommend that you look for a few things before you ask. The premium time to ask a woman is when she is surrounded in a public place and a rejection would embarrass her more than you. Another excellent time would be if she were emotionally distraught. You’re probably asking, “When is that, Nick?”

To which I would say, “Hahahaha. Motherfucker, don’t be stupid. This happens several times throughout a normal day and should not be too hard to spot.” It is important to notice running mascara, rosy cheeks, a temper tantrum, or sand falling from the vagina like an hour glass. DO NOT proceed until at least two of these signs are indicated. The woman could simply be menstruating.

So you successfully backed her into a corner or appeared “magically” like Prince Charming, Romeo, or John Travolta, and got yourself a date. Now, on this first date, you must set the tone of your relationship. A woman can be fierce, manipulative game, and you must know a few facts to subdue one. First, you must understand that by agreeing to a date with you, she’s given you legal consent of ownership. She’s yours buddy. For the rest of her life. Your will is her way. Yes, it may seem harsh, but women need discipline in order to be happy. And, really, think about it: If you were a woman, how could you be happy without a stern, arbitrary man to woo you?

And this brings me to my next point. You see, my lucky friend, there are two different approaches when one wants to woo a woman. One, you must talk about yourself as much as possible. Most women love to be humored by a man; after all, men live much more exciting lives than women do. Honestly, would you like to listen to a woman talk about cooking, cleaning, or other womanly duties? Of course not! Women are only interested in the ways of men. Also, on the other end of the spectrum, women love to sit and eat in silence as well. You must act as introverted as possible. This technique works well because it allows the woman to confuse herself by trying to conceive what you, a more advanced, intelligent being is thinking. Are you developing a scheme to seduce her or to cure cancer? Are you thinking about what color panties she’s wearing or if the au gratin potatoes are good? Why are you knitting your brow? Do you think she’s fat? She’ll never know. And because of this, you’ll have stunned her just long enough to fuck her. Though, I have to warn you, this approach is somewhat risky because women must be entertained, like…a small child, or…a puppy. For the same reason, you must spank your woman if she becomes disorderly for the purpose of sufficient training. Such offenses warranting spanking include speaking without permission, not cleaning up after you, and yawning. (Remember, it’s legal if there are no witnesses.)

There are a few things that I require before the end of the date. First, you must speak with her father and create dowry arrangements. Be sure to remember that the attractiveness of the woman is in indirect proportion to the amount of cows or pigs you receive. For example, if the woman is a “4 out of 10” you should require six cows and six pigs, and if she is a “9 out of 10” you should only ask for a cow and pig. Also, be sure to introduce the woman to your stove and washing machine. Think of it as an introduction to her new friends. Friends that she’ll have for the rest of her life. This can be done before you sign the dowry agreement with her father. After all, you want to know the variety of meals she can cook and her ability to operate your washing machine.

WATCH THIS SPACE FOR PART III TOMORROW, MARCH 03 2006