Wednesday, September 06, 2006

DEAD PEOPLE JOKES

DONT LOOK IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED

Steve Irwin was asked 'Whats your favourite kids programme?'
Irwin replys, 'Well Thunderbirds is the best, but Stingray will always have a place in my heart'

Q: What do Steve Irwin and Trudie Styler have in common?
A: Sting's fucked them both.

Steve Irwin is on his way up to the pearly gates, when on his arrival God speaks and says "Irwin, love the show, you know you look a lot browner than you do on TV." To which, with his stereotypical Aussie enthusiasm, Mr Irwin replies "Cheers mate, just caught a few rays on the way up here."



More Dead People Jokes

Q: What do tampoons and Princess Diana have in common.
A: They both go inside a black hole and come out red.

Q: Who's the world's fastest reader?
A: Eric Clapton's son, 27 stories in three seconds.

Q: What does Diana stand 4?
A: Died In A Nasty Accident

Q: Why did Diana cross the road?
A: She forgot to fasten her seat belt.

Q: What's the difference between Jill Dando and a dodo?
A: One is an extinct bird that used to be found in exotic locations, the other one... oh wait.. there's none at all!

Q: Why has Dodi Al Fayad Got a Yellow Dick?
A: Because he dipped it in Di.

(God Daily Express readers will be crying uncontrollably )

Q: Who left Level 42 to join New Kids on the Block?
A: Eric Claptons son.

Q: Whats the diffeerence between Jill Dando and a white shirt?
A: The white shirt passed the doorstep challenge!

Q: What wood doesn't float?
A: Natalie!

Q: What's black, white and starving?
A: Jill Dando's cat

Jill Dando's husband wanted to paint their front door red but Jill was dead against it...

Paul McCartney comes out of Lindas room at the hospital and walks up to the kids and says "I have some good news and bad news". The kids ask for the bad news first "You mum has passed away" "Well then what is the good news?" Respond the confused kids. "Steak and chips for tea tonight"

Q: What have Tosh Lines and Justin Fashanu got in common?
A: They both went on a bender before they died

George Best is lying in hospital when the nurse approaches him "George," she said "ive got some good news and some bad news"
"Give me the bad news first" replied George
"Ok, you have one hour to live"
"OMGWTF" gasped George
"What can be the f**kin good news then"
"Its happy hour downstairs" the nurse said

Q: What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today?
A: Scratching like mad to get out of the casket

Q: What had henri paul had to drink before he got in the car with diana and dodi ?
A: A Harvey Wallbanger and six chasers

Q: What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's mind?
A: His teeth.

Q: What color were Kurt Cobain's eyes?
A: Blue. One blew this way, one blew that way.

Q: Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans?
A: So people can read her lips

Q: Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A: So she could moan with the other.

Q: Why was Elvis The King?
A: He died on the throne

Q: Why are there no ashtrays in Barrymore's house?
A: He just chucks his used fags in the pool

At least Diana didn't suffer from insomnia - she was out like a light as soon as her head hit the pillar!

Q: What did the priest say at Freddie Mercurys funeral??
A: Cleanest hole that f*ckers ever been in...

First the Dodo died.
Then Dando died.
Then Di died,
And Dodi died...
I bet that f*cking Dido is shitting herself!

Q: Whats the difference between a merc and a porsche?
A: Diana wouldnt be seen dead in a porsche!

Q: What was Diana's favourite shampoo?
A: Head and Shoulders! (They found hers in the boot!)

X: Diana will be up in heaven now looking down on us all, with that round thing on top of her head.
Y: Do you mean a halo?
X: No, a f**king steering wheel!

Q: Which bird cannot fly?
A: The one out of Holby City.

Q: What were Rod Hull's last words to Emu?
A: "Grab that f**kin guttering!"

Q: Whats yellow and lives off dead beatles?
A: Yoko Ono

Michael Owen went to France and scored a goal
Diana went to Paris and hit the post

Someone should have told Marc-Vivien Foe that you have to play a full 120 minutes before sudden death.

Q: What's green and three feet tall?
A: Percy Thrower's lawn.

Q: Whats brown and half eaten??
A: The Popes easter egg

Freddie Mercury and James Bond die and go to heaven. Upon their arrival they are issued a pair of wings with the following instructions.

1. Think of something mildly saucy and your wings will fall off
2. Think of something disgusting and you will disappear in a puff of smoke

They put on their wings and start walking down the road. A busty little blonde number comes walking towards them and Bonds wings fall off. He bent down to pick them up and Freddie Mercury disappeared in a puff of smoke

Q: Did you see Osama Bin laden on Ready Steady Cook?
A: He made the Big Apple Crumble.

How many of you got the text message on Sept 12th 2001 saying the US Aviation Association or had annouced that Women's Pilots day hadn't gone entirely to plan?

Q: What's the opposite of christopher reeves?
A: Christopher Walken.

George Bush called up Superman the day after 9/11, and said
"Superman, why didnt you help all those poor people falling from the windows"
Superman replied "Cos Im in a wheelchair you c**t"


All the old space shuttle jokes.

What does NASA stand for?
Need another seven astronauts

Where did the shuttle pilots go on holiday?
All over Florida

Last words?
Let her drive

Why did they not have any breakfast?
Thought they'd have a fry up there.

Official drink of the shuttle?
7up.


For the older boys;

Q - What's brown, weighs 9lb and won't get plucked this Xmas?
A - Roy Orbison's guitar.

Q - What's blue and can travel at 70 mph across open water?
A - Lord Mountbatten's plimsoll.


SOME MORE SICK JOKES

Q: What causes paedophilia?
A: Sexy children

Q: Why can't Ken and Barbie have kids
A: Cuz Ken comes in a different box innit.

Q: What's the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.

Q: What do you call an anorexic with thrush?
A: A quarter pounder with cheese.

Q: What's got 1 ball and f**ks prostitutes?
A: Peter Sutcliffe's hammer

Q: Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
A: The wheelchair

Q: What's hit more balls than Micheal Atherton's bat?
A: Michael Barrymores' chin.

Did you hear about the blind circumciser?
He got the sack

Q: What's the difference between a professional footballer and a rapist?
A: I aint a professional footballer

2 Comments:

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13:15  
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