Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Sod's Laws of Football

1. A team who loses their manager is guaranteed to win their next game.

2. A striker on a barren run will always end it against your team

3. The scorer of a goal for a minnow side in the FA Cup will support the Premiership team he scores against

4. Whenever there is an excellent game on terrestrial telly, the commentator will be Pleat or Motson

5. A player a club would desperately like to sell will always get injured on international duty just before the transfer window opens.

6. If 'a team' hasn't beaten your team since 1902 & Martin Tyler mentions it 15 times before the match when it's live on Sky - you can then bet your missus arse they're going to beat you on that day

7. C*nts all play for chelsea.

8. The consolation goal is always the most spectacular one.

9. That tosser who commentates on itv will without fail mention in Champions League matches "that wonderful night in barcelona."

10. Whenever a club changes their crest, there will always be a news story about some poor sap who has just had a tattoo of their previous one!

11. Underdogs never "just lose", they always "Put up a great fight" and are "Cruelly robbed of a historic win".

12. Non-league teams in the FA Cup will always have a "comical" goal celebration

13. Goal of the season will be one that hurt you the most, and you will struggle to go a day without seeing it and being reminded of the pain you felt when Steven Gerrard took away what you had waited 24 years for and even now just typing about it is filling you with rage and you hope nasty things happen to him. (From a WestHam fan, obviously)

14. If a player gets fouled in the box, and takes the penalty himself, there's a 65% chance the commentator will say "X has dusted himself down and steps up to take the kick".

15. Whilst stood in the wall if you cover your bollocks the ball never hits your hand however the first time you do not cover you get the ball straight in the bollocks

16. If the opposition keeper is sent off, or carried off injured and they've used all their subs, your attack will spectacularly fail to put the ball past the outfield player drafted in to stand between the sticks.

17. If you're an bluenose, you should really just shoot yourself really.

18. Ryan Giggs hamstrings will invariably tighten up before every Welsh friendly game.

19. If being filmed, defenders never seem to be able to get a clean snot out. Half always ends up on their sleeves.

20. When watching a crap game on TV - when you go for a pee/beer/cuppa the goal of the decade will be scored, upon your return the game will sink to its previous low depths.

21. Whenever you see one of your team tripping someone up, and giving away a needless foul in their own half, the other team will score. Especially true in the last 5 minutes

22. If you get your arse out Evertonians call the police

23. If your team miss lots of chances, the other team WILL score their only chance of the game.

24. Non league teams featuring on "The Road to Wembley" will always have a postman and a butcher in the team. There will also be a player in the team with a white collar job who will automatically be referred to as "The Professor".

25. A goalie on a sh*tty team against an established team will have the game of his life for 82 minutes then concede 3 in quick succession.


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