Thursday, August 18, 2005

The Inevitability of Getting Old (By Benny C)

Well I'm sitting here with one hell of a hangover. I turned 30 last Saturday (No laughing at the back). There was drinking. Though, to be entirely honest, I really can't recall much at all. (Except for some reason these days I tend to think that I am a world class athelete after a few pints......Apparently I am not - I have the bruises to prove it)

Still, to mark this event I attach a few notes on leaving your 20's behind (Sob!!) I must admit there are a couple here that I identify with. (Shit!)

You Know You Are 30 When:

1. You leave gigs before the encore to "beat the rush"

2. You own a lawnmower

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section

5. You prefer later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops

6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46

7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like

8. Flicking through Heat magazine makes you too tired to go out

9. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden

10. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it

11. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out ofthe newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would be thieves.

12. You start to worry about your parents health.

14. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between £200 and £500

15. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child

16. Pop music all starts to sound a bit crap

17. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white

18. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture

19. You always have enough milk in

20. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents

21. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.

22. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

23. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q

24. You wish you had a shed

25. You have a shed

26. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course, in my day"

27. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jimmy young has some really interesting guests on, you know

28. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at school children whose diction is poor

29. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets

30. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11

31. You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time,and the indestructibility of the 20ies gives way to a realisation that you are but passing through this life and if you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on pissing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying everytime a cheeky one turns into 10, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for £99, they cost as much as £35 each if youbuy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in, and.................


Blogger Dirty Dan said...

Happy belated birthday mate - hope you had a blast!

great post

Blogger Benny C said...

Thanks fella.

I did watch the game though it is a little hazy. Thank god for Match of the day repeats on a Sunday.....

We looked good second half. Just hope we are not going to have another run of games where we can't score (like the past couple of seasons...)

For the record, I think getting Owen back (as the press are indicating at the moment) would be a step in the wrong direction. We are finally playing decent football after what seems like ages. We have stopped the "ball over the top for Owen to run on to" tactics of the past 5 years.

That, and I think I have played more football the Michael in the past year or so....

Anonymous scientists dan said...

Benny, that is absolutely true.


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