Dear Santa...From The Neviller

We take a peek at The Neviller's (totally made-up) Christmas wish list. Santa had better deliver, or you know he'll go and tell Sir...

* Malta to have a more prominent role in world affairs. As an honorary Malteser, I would be ambassador to the UN and NATO and BHS.

* Facial hair.

* A tuck box (Narnia or King Kong) so strong that not even greedy guts Wayne can break into it.

* A personalised captain's armband and badge, with gold lettering.

* Sven to pick no dirty scousers (except Wayne) for the World Cup. My dream World Cup team Santa is: Robinson; G Neville (captain), Ferdinand, Brown, Richardson; Beckham, Smith, Scholes (I'll ask him), Chadwick; Rooney, Crouch (he can stand next to me in the team photo). NB. No Phil, ever ever ever.

* A new bedspread (too many sex wees) from the best football club in the whole wide world ever. With matching pillow cases, curtains, lampshade, rug, wallpaper and doilies.

* The Gary Neville Soccer School (Malta) to become the official Manchester United Academy.

* 'For Club and Country: The Hunt for European and World Cup Glory' - the best book ever (except for the bits about Phil). I get it every year from mummy.

* Red face paint to make me look more like Sir.

* Silly Billy Philly to get relegated with Neverton (ha) along with Manchester Sh***y into whatever league comes below the Premiership (is it the SPL?)

* Aftershave like Sir's (I think it's called Teachers).

* My own set of yellow and red cards so I can step in when the referee isn't doing his job properly. They would also be useful at home for mummy.

* More facial hair.

* David's 2006 calendar (March is dreamy).

* A new midfielder for the best club in the whole wide world ever. You can take Darren with you for scrap, Santa.

* Sir's new phone number.

* Bratz Rock Angelz (don't tell anyone).