Survive the Office Party

How to walk with head held high after boozing with your boss.

Office parties can enhance relationships among colleagues, give the whole office the chance to wind down and reflect on the successes of the year, and cement the bond between management and staff. Yeah right! Office parties are an orgy of drunkenness and inappropriate photocopying that can ruin friendships, finish marriages and put careers back by years. Here’s how to survive yours with honour - and liver - intact.

Drink Like A Fish...

…and by “like a fish”, we mean take plenty of water with it. We’re not suggesting that you should poop the party by nursing half a shandy all night – it’s Christmas, after all. But avoid the worst alcohol-induced excesses by mixing up your rounds with glasses of water, and dipping into those stomach-lining snacks at regular intervals. Remember: everything that can go wrong at an office party has its origins in excess. Everything that can go right, like snapping the boss snogging the office junior and sending it to everyone in your email address book, has its origins in moderation.

Once A Boss...

A common mistake at office parties is to assume that – just because he’s splashed the petty cash at Bargain Booze – the boss is now your best mate. Remember, anything that you say in boozy confidence at the office party can and will come back to haunt you, whether in the cold light of a January day, at your next pay review, or when you’re handed your P45. Like elephants, bosses never forget, and like Pit Bulls, they’re liable to turn nasty when you slap them on the back, spill cheap lager on their expensive suit, and wonder out loud how you ever managed to work for such a clueless git.

Be Nice

Everyone likes to have someone to look down on, and luckily the complex hierarchy of most offices means that just about everybody does. Don’t let the boozy, matey atmosphere of the office party tempt you into abusing the underlings, however. They may get paid less than you, but the only thing that stops your working life descending into anarchy and chaos is the tireless labour (between tea breaks) of post boys, cleaners, IT staff and office juniors. Don’t believe us? Throw a few cruel jibes their way after one too many at the Xmas bash and see how many reports go missing, invoices get lost and computers beak down in January.

Sex Crime

The office party seems like the perfect time to make a move on that cutie from accounts...but is it? Before finding yourself in sweaty clinches in the stationary cupboard, ask yourself these important questions:

1) Are you after a one-night stand?
If so, remember that the person you are about to use and then spurn will still be sitting ten feet away from you in the morning, will happily tell half the office what a useless lover/feckless swine you are, and might even spend the next six months attempting to surreptitiously sabotage your career.

2) Do you feel sick?
Kissing couples are ten-a-penny at office parties. Couples who throw up on each other mid-snog, on the other hand (and in full view of company bigwigs), will enter office folklore and be immortalised in emails and on message boards for as long as the company exists. “Laughing stock” doesn’t even come close.

3) Is he or she your superior?
You might think that a bit of drunken fumbling with someone further up the company ladder is a sure way to enhance your career prospects. You’d be wrong. To the boss, your awkward smile across the photocopier next morning is nothing more than an unwanted reminder of a momentary lapse in the professionalism that got them to their exalted position in the first place. In other words, if you want to be persona non grata for the next 12 months, snog the boss.

4) Are you attached?
This is one for your own conscience, but remember, everyone in the office knows you are, and several of them may well of broken a bread stick or two with your spouse/partner at the office picnic in August. More worryingly, the IT guys have access to your email address book.