An Idiot's Guide to Woman-Management (Part 3 of 3)

Previously: Part I : Part II

Part III: Keep that Bitch Around, Son

After the first date, you are now ready for marriage. During this time it is essential that you treat your woman like you would deal with an unwanted house pest. Just as you would use various tactics and appliances to remove a mouse, you must use an assortment of devices to keep your woman around. Your dominance must not be compromised.

However, there is an unavoidable situation, when a man’s dominance is challenged. This happens twelve times a year for about a week. Scientists term this period, “Menstruation.” Yes, it’s an odd term. At first, I had no idea what it meant. But if we separate the parts of the word we see “Men-” (English for “men”) and “-struation” (Latin for “must die”). It can’t get much more blatant than that, folks.

I suggest keeping a bottle of Midol, flame retardant wear, a flask of chloroform, grenades, kitty litter, batteries, duct tape, and a suicide pill in the back of your car for this time. You may want to visit friends or family during this period, or sleep in your car. Building a Menstruation Shelter is also recommended.

Throughout your marriage, encourage your wife to participate in Tupperware parties. It allows her time to roam about the neighborhood and is a great way to keep your food crisp and fresh. Remember that women are like Saran Wrap: useful, but clingy; and men are like Tupperware: strong, but belching. Be sure to discourage a Tupperware party at your house—one woman is tough enough to monitor. Even if your wife really desires this, bear in mind that sometimes it is best that you do not fulfill a woman’s desires and instead push her away emotionally. This may seem incorrect, but generally, a woman enjoys being mistreated. Slanderous insults should be your main conversational pieces. Examples include “worthless slut,” “complete failure,” or even, “I could do so much better than you.” Never say anything polite, pleasant, or sympathetic, for these words may be mistaken by the woman. She may think you are treating her as though she is your equal—an even more humorous notion.

[VIA]