Thursday, June 01, 2006

Jokes: Your contributions

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?" he asked. "Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge.

"Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for America tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there? I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found".

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation. The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to America. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night . and he's screwing me." The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a grin cracked his face and he replied, "He certainly is pet. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry!"

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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney Australia.

"The view is fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional," said the Scotsman, "but I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you'd like. Then, when you've had enough to drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid - ALL on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not myself personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

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Rooney and Colleen are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below. Colleen turns to Rooney and says: "Wayne, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!" to which Rooney replies "5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't" So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching.

Sure enough, the Man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Rooney takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Colleen, but she refuses. "I can't take your money, Wayne," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew He was going to jump."

"No, babes, fair's fair" says Wayne. "That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."

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