Jokes
Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
A: Cuz she was a woman innit.
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Q: What do you do if you see a spaceman?
A: Park in it man.
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Q: What do you call an Indian with pink hair?
A: Ghandi floss
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A man and his wife have been struggling to conceive a child for many years and eventually visit a specialist. After a few visits and many tests, the consultant offers an appointment to the couple so that they can discuss the results.
"Well," says the consultant, "I have the results back"
"Is it good news?" Asks the husband
"Let me put it this way," says the specialist,"Do you know how to fasten nappies?"
"Am I pregnant?" asks the wife
"No - You've got bowel cancer"
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Q: How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One to order an electrician, five to shoot him as he leaves the house for the tube and the entire force to attempt to cover it up
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Two blokes stood at the bar. One says to the other "I could shag any woman in this pub I could!"
The other replies "How's that then?".
The first one says "Cuz I'm a rapist, innit"
------------- AND THE WINNER IS ---------------
A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.
"DIG!" says the voice.
The man looks around, a little confused.
"DIG!" Booms the oice again.
The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts
"OPEN!"
He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again
"CASINO!"
What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout
"ROULETTE!"
He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.
"16 BLACK!" the voice says
So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.
"FUCK!" shouts the voice...
A: Cuz she was a woman innit.
---------------------------------------
Q: What do you do if you see a spaceman?
A: Park in it man.
---------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an Indian with pink hair?
A: Ghandi floss
---------------------------------------
A man and his wife have been struggling to conceive a child for many years and eventually visit a specialist. After a few visits and many tests, the consultant offers an appointment to the couple so that they can discuss the results.
"Well," says the consultant, "I have the results back"
"Is it good news?" Asks the husband
"Let me put it this way," says the specialist,"Do you know how to fasten nappies?"
"Am I pregnant?" asks the wife
"No - You've got bowel cancer"
---------------------------------------
Q: How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One to order an electrician, five to shoot him as he leaves the house for the tube and the entire force to attempt to cover it up
---------------------------------------
Two blokes stood at the bar. One says to the other "I could shag any woman in this pub I could!"
The other replies "How's that then?".
The first one says "Cuz I'm a rapist, innit"
------------- AND THE WINNER IS ---------------
A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.
"DIG!" says the voice.
The man looks around, a little confused.
"DIG!" Booms the oice again.
The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts
"OPEN!"
He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again
"CASINO!"
What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout
"ROULETTE!"
He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.
"16 BLACK!" the voice says
So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.
"FUCK!" shouts the voice...
posted by Dirty Dan at 7:10 PM
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