Last week's news: Pennant on the run?

Apologies I iz a bit late on reporting this but Liverpool Winger Jermaine Pennant is being questioned by UEFA officials tonight after someone resembling him was seen going past the Galatasaray left back without losing the ball at approximately 21:40 this evening.

Pennant, who is not accustomed to taking the ball with him on such excursions, is understandably perplexed by the alleged incident. A confused Pennant was overheard mumbling:

"Er, well, you know, I fink that I ain't got nuffink to prove, £6.8 million, innit. It must av bin my bruvva"

Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez was similarly coy on the incident, reeling off the usual:

"For sure, the most eemportant thing is that we have the confeedence, and for sure, we look forwar to the next game, Jermaine has been suffering a bit from the Lionel Richie syndrome, and, for sure, many times I have to shout "Hello!" because he does not know if it is him we were looking for to go past the defenders. If we had got Daniel Alves, I would have been dancing on the ceiling.

Rumours that Pennant is suffering from "Jermainitis", a condition which saps the previously overstated ability of stupidly named Premiership footballers, is, as yet, unconfirmed.