Things that will inevitably happen in the World Cup

A commentator will say "Oh, how England missed Rooney's finishing skills there..."

They will mention how 'cool' Sven is. And how passion-less he is when we inevitably go out to someone better than us

Captain Beckham will inspire no one

When England score, Beckham will be the first to arrive, jumping on the goalscorers back while ensuring the his hand is on the goalscorers face ensuring the camera is on him. All the time.

Metatarsals will break by the dozen. Most of them will be English

Commentator: "This is Beckham territory" when England get a free-kick 30 yards out.

England will get knocked out - losing on penalties. And this will be said "To be fair we lost to a great team"

3 England fans get into a minor scuffle with a Policeman in a town square. Sky News will show the 10 second footage on a non-stop loop for the rest of the day in an attempt to make it look like a mass riot has taken place.

Theo Walcott will be overwhelemed by the pressure and faint during the national anthem in england's biggest game in 40 years, against Trinidad and Tobago.

Any touch of the ball Walcott has that isn't spectacularly incompetent is overhyped, overstated and overscreened.

Theo Walcott's missus will be in all the tabloids. Topless. Hopefully.

Vegetable-related headline when England face Sweden

Hargreaves nonsensically substituted on despite a clear need for an offensive change

Ian Wright will do his usual impression of a gurning penis.

Everytime Wayne Rooney gets the ball in the opposition half the commentator will scream ROOOOOOOOONEY and ejaculate.

Someone will say Crouch has good feet for a big man

John Terry will handle in the box.

Lampard will score off a shot that will take a deflection off a defender's arse

Rio will have rubbish hair. He'll also be England's chief skinner-upperer.

John Motson will go on and on about how we need Emile Heskey

Beckham will do something to make us all hate him again.

Men around Britain will laugh at the Iranian national anthem

The United States will last longer than England.

An England centre back will have a goal disallowed

England will be drawing 1-1 with 15 to go, on comes, not Lennon, not walcott but yes, Jenas and Hargreaves.

David Beckham will miss his penatly

England will suffer at the hands of a referee

England fans will behave themselves, and the Sun will pay some locals to dress up in England attire and smash a café up, and go on about it for weeks.

Spain will be referred to as perennial underachievers and will do their inevitable balls-up in the second round.

The broadsheets will watch England's games with the Paraguyan community, the Trinidad and Tobago community and the Swedish community in London.

The Sun or The Mirror will have a headline with a Second World War gag in it. The most likely is "For you Fritz, the Cup is Over" if the Germans get knocked out in the group stages.



The camera will find and focus on a fit brazilian bird with big tits dancing in the crowd. The picture will next day appear in the Sun with the heading 'We put the bra in brazil'

A commentator will spaff his pants over Ronaldinho's skill

A small African team will be labelled as "naive" mere seconds before going one up against Brazil.

After said African team has scored, commentator will describe them as the brightest prospect in world football and hark back to Pele's words saying an African team will win the world cup. Eventually.

At least 3 Brazilian players will get together and do a little dance after scoring a goal. And the commentator will talk about samba magic

The commentator will mention Brazil playing to the 'Samba beat'

Commentator: 'Ronaldinho always plays the game with a smile on his face''

Fat Ronaldo will be top scorer, and look surprisingly thin and mobile after being away from madrid for a month. He will then go back to being fat.



The Germans will get to the final by playing shit football

Henry, for no apparent reason, will stop performing like a world class player.

Christiano Ronaldo will cry when Portugal get knocked out

An Argentinian will have awful hair

Saudi Arabia will get thrashed, while letting in 5 in one game.

Trinidad & Tobago will get complemented for the 'atmosphere' their fans bring to the competition

Holland's fans will blind the players with a sea of orange

George Boatang will be repeatedly called George Bo-e-tang

Stern John will be named player of the tournament in the disabled tournament

Arctic monkeys will be played atleast once in a stadium

Ruud Van Nistelroy will get into a punch up with CRonaldo, resulting in handbags and a portuagese throw-in.

USA will defy the laws of the game and will do well

Drogba will play better than he does for Chelski

A referee from a developing nation will make a big mistake during a vital game and the English pundits will say that they shouldn't have been allowed to referee such a high profile match.

Some muppets will riot. They won't be Japanese though, they'll clean all the stadia, in another bid to gain FIFA brownie points.

Aussie fans will get very very drunk and say they are just happy to be there no matter the results .

The Australian media to forget about the cup as soon as Australia is knocked, and shove it 15 pages back in the sport section with a 20 word column in the middle of the racing section

Each and every counrties national anthem will be absolutely butchered by the 'house band'.

Someones national anthem will appear to be played on the kazoo.

Brazil will win it

South Korea will do better than expected

Iran and the USA will not meet however much you want it to happen.



A German whore will get murdered.

At least 3-4 relatively unknown players from random countries will have unfeasibly good tournaments, resulting in a decent run for their countries. These players will then move to the Premiership in big-money deals and within a month everyone will realise they're actually gash.

Someone will get another yellow/red card and miss the next and most important of all games, thus letting down their side and nation.

A player will take his shirt off and be booked the second time and sent off

A big team will draw with a very little team

There will be numerous astonishing refereeing decisions involving diving and offsides.

A match will finish 4-3. Meanwhile you will have been watching the game that finished 0-0 on the other channel.

At least one player will call his coach a tosser in the media, get sent home, apologise and be allowed back in time for his team to get knocked out. He'll then blame the coach.

I will be late / fall asleep several times during the tournament and will be a pale, gaunt, unemployed man by the end of it.

Oh and Jose will still be moaning about the goal in last season's CL semi-final.