Thursday, June 01, 2006


Hands outstretched, elbows rigid at right angles and jerkily moving to an imaginary beat, it is the goal celebration-cum-dance craze that is shaking the nation. From Burnham-on-Crouch to Crouch End, people are doing the Crouch.


The 6ft 7in England striker premiered his own unique version of robotics at the Beckhams' lavish World Cup party just over a week ago. While Wayne Rooney gingerly wiggled his metatarsal and Rio Ferdinand archly clicked his fingers on the mirrored dancefloor, the gangly Liverpool forward was head and shoulders above his peers as he shape-shifted to James Brown's funky beat.

Was it because people think he is a robotic player and only good for one thing - heading the ball - and then he scored a goal with his foot?
[WATCH] Or was he saying "you can take the piss out of me for the way I dance (or for the way I look), but I don't really give a f*ck? Either way, some people can take a bit of stick and he is that sort of person. Hats off to the fella and lets hope we can see a full version of his Robo-dance after he scores England's winner on July 9th.
Here he is, the 6 ft 7 inches of LEGEND!


On the first day God created Crouch. On the second day God created Mania. On the third day Crouchamania ran wild on God.

Peter Crouch doesn't go to the toilet. The toilet goes to him.

The only question Peter Crouch has ever asked is 'Whatchyagonnado?'

Peter Crouch does not jog. He runs wild.

At the end of a day, Peter Crouch does not take his shirt off - he tears it off. Peter Crouch has never worn the same shirt twice.

The only time Peter Crouch has ever taken a bath is when he took one outside to give it the Legdrop of Doom.

Whoever Peter Crouch is dating on Valentine's Day receives the same poem, 'Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm running wild, Whatchyagonnado?'

Peter Crouch never says 'pardon' or 'can you repeat that again please?'. He simply cups his hand to his ear until he hears whatever it is he has to hear.

Peter Crouch once wrote a two-hour English essay paper using just the words 'dude' and 'brotha'. He scored 93%.

He then used the exact same essay for a French exam. He scored 97%.

Peter Crouch does not make love. He runs wild.

This one time Peter Crouch entered a maze, and went on 'a mazy'. The maze gave up first.

Every girl Peter Crouch has ever been with claims he has a good touch for a big guy...

... and Peter Crouch has given every one of them the big boot... quickly followed by the Legdrop of Doom.

If you do not refer to Peter Crouch's arms as 'pythons', it is quite simply the last thing you will ever do.

When she was pregnant, Peter Crouch's mum did not feel her baby kicking - just the big boot. Mrs Crouch still gets bad wind today.

Peter Crouch did not turn down a starring role in 'Star Wars' because of wage-demands. It was because George Lucas would not allow Darth Vader to give Obi-Wan the Legdrop of Doom.

Peter Crouch does not pass water. He takes it on his chest, holds it up, then passes water.

There are seven Wonders of the World, each of whom one day hopes to meet Peter Crouch.

Upon hearing the news that Peter Crouch was in the studio audience, three Government ministers refused to go on Question Time in case they were asked 'Whatchyagonnado?'

Peter Crouch once bumped into Chuck Norris at an airport. Norris responded with a roundhouse kick. Crouch shrugged, got on his plane, went back to Liverpool, then gave Chuck Norris the big boot. Chuck Norris has not been seen or heard from since.

Peter Crouch once won a game of chess with just three pieces left when his rook started 'hulking up'. Peter Crouch does not know - or care - how to play chess.

Peter Crouch does not walk into a building unless accompanied by the theme tune to 'Real American'.

Peter Crouch did not lose his virginity - he simply threw it away when he had no use for it anymore.

The founders of Spain chose red and yellow as their national colours in the hope that one day Peter Crouch would want to play for their football team.

Peter Crouch bodyslams Hope on a daily basis.

Peter Crouch cannot walk down the street without clotheslining at least five innocents. He subsequently receives at least five apologies for 'python disturbance'.

Traffic delays don't just happen - they happen because Peter Crouch is there, and Crouch can hold up anything.

Peter Crouch does not get erect - he hulks up. Scientists now believe that this, and not America, is the planet's greatest threat to climate change.

Peter Crouch once held an eight-hour argument with his English teacher, who claimed that 'Whatchyagonnado' was a six-word sentence. The argument finished with the school's headteacher under a broken classroom table due to a Legdrop of Doom.

The missing dialogue at the end of 'Lost in Translation' saw Bill Murray's character whispering to Scarlett Johansson's, "Yes it's true babe - I am indeed a Crouchamaniac.


Blogger Drogballs said...

drogballs 'drogging' by to say Crouchy's the king! all hail Crouchmania :D


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