Thursday, June 01, 2006

Her Darkest, Dirtiest Secrets

Here’s your sex-and-relationships lesson for this month: Honesty is the best policy…except when it’s not. After all, you don’t want to hear the woman in your bed talk about the other man (or men) she’d like to get naked with, or the fact that her last boyfriend was more sexually advanced than you, or even that she hooked up with another girl last night, sans you.
That said, you can’t stand not to know, either—which is why I keep getting those calls in the middle of the night. You know, the ones with the caller who’s breathing heavily, is obviously frustrated and is asking me all sorts of dirty questions. I know that’s just a plea for help. That is just a plea for help, right? Anyway, we got four women to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about the X-rated thoughts they keep from you. They had no choice but to comply. (Sleep deprivation works wonders.)

Dawn: What’s the biggest sexual secret you’re harboring right now?
Terezka: Sometimes I don’t want foreplay—I just want to be sexy and sweaty. Women are a lot like men sometimes.
Tasha: I lie about my age. If a guy is good-looking and I just see him as someone to have fun with, I’ll say I’m younger. I actually lied to my current boyfriend when I first met him. I didn’t tell him the truth till this year!
Nicole: I won’t give a guy everything he wants sexually right away. I’m not trying to torture him, but if he has nothing to look forward to, he’ll get bored.
Monique: I always used to fake orgasms. Faked ’em, faked ’em, faked ’em! My current boyfriend is the only guy who’s been able to get me there. The only way I can have one is if he goes down on me…and if I picture him doing Paris Hilton from behind or something.

Dawn: What else do you fantasize about?
Monique: I fantasize about having another girl in the bedroom. We’ll talk about it, I’ll say I’ll do it, and then we’ll go out, and I’m like, “I can’t do it with you.” But with somebody who I wasn’t serious with, I’d jump right on it!
Tasha: When we’re making love, I’ll say, “Let’s go to a strip club and pick up a hot stripper." The minute I tell him that, he gets excited, but I wouldn’t really cross that line.

Dawn: That’s all fine and good, but what about secret fantasies that might freak out the guy who’s in your bed?
Tasha: That would probably be me having sex with another guy. I fantasize about myself and a guy doing a love scene in a movie while my boyfriend watches.
Monique: Once in a while, I’ll think about ex-flings. One is an underwear model.
Terezka: I really just think about my guy when I’m with him. But when I masturbate, I sometimes think about girls or other things.

Dawn: A lot of women lie about their, um, special time with themselves.
Nicole: So many girls lie about it, and of course they do it.
Monique: I really don’t do it alone. I do it in front of my boyfriend. My boyfriend always says to me: “You’re a freak. I knew it would come out sooner or later.”
Tasha: Once you establish a foundation with your man and you’re in love, you almost have to experience other avenues to keep the sex alive. You know what’s great? Phone sex. We have a long-distance relationship, and I think that’s why we’re still doing so well. When we do it, he’s like, “Whoa, Tasha, you think like that?” It’s about getting down and dirty.

Dawn: Is there anything you’d like men to keep to themselves? Guys can be so polite and hygienic in the beginning of a relationship, and then it all goes to hell.
Nicole: See, if he farts, I crack up. I think it’s so funny.
Terezka: My boyfriend is very honest with everything, and he’ll show me pictures of his exes. Even if he dated the girl years ago, I hate it. I’ll see a picture and want to set it on fire.
Monique: Here’s one thing I don’t want him to keep to himself: I don’t like when a guy is so quiet in bed he doesn’t say anything or make any noise at all. It’s like, “Are you having fun? Who am I talking to—myself?”

Dawn: Don’t you think that women have double standards? I’m awful sometimes. I’ll occasionally tease a boyfriend with provocative details about an ex…and then smack him if he does the same.
Terezka: I’m a little flirt, and my boyfriend used to get mad about it. But recently, I saw a friend’s boyfriend flirt with a waitress, and I thought, If my boyfriend did that, I would twist his testicles off his body. I calmed down my flirting after that.
Monique: My boyfriend gets jealous because I’m always going out. He’d stopped partying for a while, and now he’s started again, and it drives me crazy. I won’t let him know, but deep inside, I’m punching something. It’s different when I do it! Also, my boyfriend used to think that it was cheating if I kissed a girl. He was like, “A tongue’s a tongue! A body’s a body!” I don’t think girls count.

Dawn: What makes you want to take off your clothes, like, now?
Monique: If I go to bed early and my guy stays up late, I’ll wake up to find a Post-it that says, “Have a good day” or “I love you.” When I see it, I’ll crumple it up and jump on him.
Tasha: The first night my boyfriend and I got together, I wasn’t in the mood. We’d been dating, but I thought he was too nice. One night, I stayed over—I was in his bed and he was on the couch—and an hour later, he was feeling me up and taking my clothes off. At first I was like, “Oh, no,” but then I was like, “What the hell!” He’s really good with his hands.
Terezka: I can sometimes just look at my guy and get all crazy. He doesn’t even have to touch me. I’ll imagine him coming up behind me, feeling my breasts and kissing me, and I’ll want him right then.
Monique: My boyfriend and I are always all over each other. On my birthday, we had sex in a nightclub. We went into the bathroom, and four hours later we came out.
Nicole: My ex wouldn’t even put his arm around me. My boyfriend now is like, “Oh, my God, get over here!” and he always touches me. It doesn’t matter where we are, and I love that. And if he touches my back, forget it—my back is my weakness.

Dawn: OK, let’s settle the score on a few little half-truths that a lot of women tell. Does size matter? Be honest.
Monique: It so matters. And I won’t lie about that to a guy.
Nicole: I think there’s such a thing as too big.
Tasha: If a guy isn’t the biggest but he knows how to move his body—and you know how to move your body with his—then size doesn’t really matter…unless he’s really, really small.

Dawn: Do you ever provoke a fight with your guy, just for the hell of it—or just for the makeup sex?
Nicole: Yes, because my relationship is too perfect, and that can be annoying. Also, sometimes you need to make a point, and if we don’t yell, you don’t listen!
Monique: When I fight with my boyfriend, I’ll go to my car and wait for him to follow me. He’s like, “You always want me to follow you around like a little girl, and I’m not doing it anymore!” And I’m like, “Come on…please?”
Terezka: Some nights, we’ll just say everything—it’s like puking out your feelings—and it’s good, because then problems don’t get out of hand. But sometimes we overanalyze things, and instead of talking, I wish we’d do something better, like making love.

Dawn: When you break up with a guy and say, “It’s not you, it’s me,” do you ever actually mean it?
Tasha: It’s always them.
Nicole: Yeah. We might as well just come out and say, “It’s definitely you. Sorry!”


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