Football Jokes

Rafa Benitez died and went to heaven. Upon his arrival he was led into a huge hall which had millions of clocks on the wall. He noticed each clock had a name on it and whilst waiting for god he spent time examining many of the clocks. God arrived and introduced himself.

"I've been expecting you Rafa" he said." Your time on earth is over. Now enjoy the afterlife."

"Okay" replied Rafa, "but what's with all the clocks?"

"They let me know when you are coming" replied god. "But if you speak any bullshit the minute hand will advance by one minute" he added.

"But where is Jose Mourinho's " questioned Rafa?

"We are using it in the kitchen as a fan" came the reply.

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From Ahsan Ismat:

It's just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England They're shite and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself... you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen read" Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."

They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium ' Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1(Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate

Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes....!!"

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From David Graham

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.

While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go and talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother.

"Mum?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go and talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.

The father turns to his son and says: "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes dad, I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German bastards."