Disturbing news this.

Apparently, our beloved old ground is sinking.

Two weeks ago, after noticing my maltesers kept rolling off my coffee table, I subscribed to 'Sudsidence Weekly', a popular magazine amomgst owners of horizontally challenged homes. The editor of said magazine, one 'C. U. Tipping', had recently interviewed Rick Parry, about a potentially disasterous problem at Anfield. The interview took place in the front of the Kop stand.

Tipping 'So, Mr Parry, you seem to have a subsidence problem. How did you first notice it?'

Parry 'The pitch is sinking towards the Main Stand - making a slope from right to left as we look at it. We first noticed we had a problem when Djimmi Traore kept mysteriosly falling over ....'

Tipping 'Is it also true that this is the reason your left sided players can't pass wind, never mind a football?'

Parry 'No, that is not true. Our left sided players can all pass wind.'

Tipping 'So what are you doing to rectify the problem?'

Parry 'Well, as the slope in the pitch is from right to left, we have decided to overload the team with left sided players. We now have Traore, Warnock, Riise, Aurelio, Zenden, Kewell and Gonzalez. We intend to play a sideways four-four-two system. We will play four players on the left flank, four in the middle, and just two on the right. That way, when the ball keeps rolling to the left of the pitch, we will have plenty of players to capitalise!'

Tipping 'Are you not trying to reinforce the bedrock, to prevent any more subsidence?

Parry 'Well, we have employed one of our chaps to crawl around the sewer under the Main Stand. Salif, I think his name was.'

Tipping 'Will he locate the problem?'

Parry 'Mr Benitez said 'He is the problem', whatever that means. He's been down there for over a month now ....'

Tipping 'So, just to clarify, your pitch is subsiding - and your solution has been to buy loads of left sided players to prevent the ball rolling out of play. And you've buried someone called 'Salif' alive.

Parry 'Yes, that just about sums it up.'

Tipping 'So what happens when you change ends at half time?'

Parry 'Bugger.'

As to my own subsidence problem, I simply put a couple of my comedy DVD's under the legs of the coffee table - Everton season reviews from the last two years. Which is ironic, because whilst they'll be going down next year, they will be keeping my table up.....