The Fifty Things That We'd Like To Happen Next Season...But Won't

1) Duncan Ferguson to cancel his retirement and begin working for the home protection industry.

2) Newcastle to present the first known sight of infinity by putting their trophy cabinet on public display.

3) A cup of tea bought inside a football stadium to cost less than £1.50.

4) Fans to be able to read the name on the back of the players' shirts from the away end at St James' Park without the aid of binoculars or a high-powered telescope.

5) David Pleat to have elocution lessons.

6) The description of "winners" to only be applied on personnel in the immediate aftermath of a crushing victory.

7) Sol Campbell to walk out at half-time during his Portsmouth debut to study European geography.

8) Massive evidence to be spotted that a former crop field circulist now works for the Manchester City groundstaff.

9) Tony Adams to give a televised piano recital.

10) The wind to change and Alan Shearer's right arm to stay like that after he attempted to hail a taxi.

11) A whole month to pass without Sam Allardyce moaning.

11) A post-match interview on Sky Sports to feature an Arsenal player other than Thierry Henry.

12) Jamie Carragher to confirm his international retirement after changing his nationality to 'Scouse'.

13) John Terry's mother to be the guest of honour at Liverpool v Chelski.

14) Ian Holloway to write a philosophy book.

15) An item of clothing to be removed from Joanna Taylor's byline picture on each occasion she contributes a new column for The Times.

16) An ousted manger, sacked for general and palpable incompetence , to forsake his compensation package on the grounds that it would be morally abhorrent to accept money he does not deserve.

17) Every Scotsman over the age of twenty to stop claiming they were on the pitch when the Tartan Army ripped down the Wembley goalposts.

18) Cristiano Ronaldo to break his nose and suffer permanent facial injuries after misjudging an acoustic foul.

19) The BBC to reveal just how much of the licence fee persuaded Alan Shearer to reject an offer to become England coach.

20) In a dramatic new documentary series, Sky Sports to reveal that football existed before 1992.

21) David Beckham to donate £500 to charity on each occasion he is heard to utter "you know" in a television interview.

22) Wes Brown to advertise the Orange mobilephone network.

23) Gareth Barry to change his name by deed poll to Garry Barry.

24) Andy Reid to publicly enter a WeightWatchers course.

25) Theo Walcott to go three years better than Wayne Rooney and mark his 18th birthday by releasing his autobiography.

26) A ManYoo goalscorer, celebrating next to a large hole in the ground, to duck as Rio Ferdinand attempts to jump on his back.

27) A fourth official to be caught taking forty winks during Charlton v Wigan.

28) Jeff Winter to stop being feted on TV channels desperate to fill their 24-hour news feed, and instead be ignored on the basis that he was a despised, error-strewn ref corrupted by his own ego.

29) A Premiership footballer to go AWOL over the winter so that he can watch the Ashes series in Australia.

30) Rafa Benitez to publish the notes he makes during matches.

31) All players to be automatically booked if they wave an imaginary card at the referee on the grounds that they asked for it.

32) Spurs to officially confirm that they gave up their status as a big club thirty years ago.

33) After exhaustive studies of the available evidence, historians to identify David Dein as Jack the Ripper but also confirm reports he was the mastermind behind the assassination of Jack the Ripper and the Hitler Diaries hoax.

34) Lasagne to do a roaring trade at White Hart Lane.

35) Jose Mourinho to present Arsene Wenger with a telescope for Christmas.

36) Grateful scientists to be provided the opportunity to study the results of Craig Bellamy and Jermaine Pennant being in locked in a room together.

37) The Liverpool Christmas party to be videotaped in its entirety and broadcast on youtube.

38) Paul Ince to stop sniffing.

39) Sunderland chairman Niall Quinn to give Sunderland manager Niall Quinn the dreaded vote of confidence.

40) The BBC to hand Garth Crooks a 'roving brief' for Iraq.

41) Sir Alex Ferguson to admit that he was only looking agitatedly at his watch in the closing minutes of a ManYoo match because he had realised it had stopped.

42) Any player booked for taking off his shirt after scoring a goal to be subsequently arrested on the grounds that anyone so stupid should not be allowed to roam the streets unattended.

43) Neil Warnock to commemorate a defeat with the sincere observation that, "The best team won - and can I just take this opportunity to congratulate the referee on an impeccable performance?"

44) Iain Dowie to improve his image by signing Luke Chadwick.

45) Peter Kenyon to launch Chelski's public-relations blitz by crawling over broken glass.

46) Charlotte Jackson to present the Bikini Bulletin.

47) Jeff Powell to be incited for racial hatred.

48) Roman Abramovich to prove that he is not a mute.

49) Sir Alex Ferguson to attend a post-match press conference following a ManYoo defeat.

50) The Highbury ghost to be spotted making a dash for the Emirates Stadium.

by Piotrish