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TUESDAY

Lying in bed in my jim-jams reading Ashley's book and listening to Elton (I've asked my partner David Beckham to get me his number so we can jam. He could come to my bedroom or I could go to his palace). I get 14 more mentions than Silly Billy Philly and 27 more than Luke Young. Hah. Now who is England's best right-back, Lukey boy?

The book is rubbish because it's all about Arse-nal and they're rubbish. My three favourite ever books are 'Managing My Life' by Sir (brilliant - I'm in it lots), 'My Life' by David (brilliant - I'm in it lots) and 'For Club and Country: The Hunt for European and World Cup Glory' by me and Phil (brilliant - I'm in it lots).

They will probably ask me to write a sequel, though this time without Silly Billy Philly because he's playing for a team that nobody's ever heard of that don't even play in red. They could make it into a film starring Robert De Niro. Or Tom Selleck.


WEDNESDAY

Tonight the bestest team in the whole wide world ever beat a little club from Scotland. They were so awestruck - it was probably the best moment of their whole lives - that they didn't even take a signed shirt from me, Gary Neville. I offered it to every single one of their players as a memento but they all just laughed. It must be terrible not to be good enough to play for glory, glory Man United. I would just give up. Thankfully I am brilliant.

Darren played tonight. I wonder when Sir's bet finishes.


THURSDAY

Went to mum's house because she was cooking my favourite shepherd's pie. I protested her decision to put carrots in and she picked them out again after I followed her into the garden to make my (fully justified) point. She's crying now - she doesn't like me using the 'c' word.

Am knitting a hat for Sir to keep him warm in the winter. I am using red wool and am trying to make the word 'SIR' on the front in gold. It will match perfectly with his scarf and gloves, which he is obviously saving for best because he never wears them for training. Maybe he'll give me another present too - something I can frame like the chewing gum.


FRIDAY

Gave Michael a Chinese burn today because he was creeping to Sir. He brought him an apple which is silly because Sir doesn't even eat solids. Michael doesn't really tackle in training and I think Sir might have been tricked into paying £18 for him. If he is worth £18 then the best right-back in the world must be worth £103 at least. Hope nobody comes in with 'an offer they can't refuse' as I don't want to play anywhere else, ever. Except maybe Real Madrid with David. But don't tell Sir.


SATURDAY

Watched X Factor with mum. She says I'm better than everybody else and could be a famous pop star if I wasn't already one of the best footballers in the world.

I can't sleep because tomorrow we are beating Arse-nal and I will probably be man of the match and my fans will chant the name of Captain Neville. We will probably win 5-0 because we are brilliant and Arse-nal are rubbish and will probably get relegated. I can't wait.


SUNDAY

Not fair. Not fair, not fair, not fair, not fair. I was the bestest (and most handsomest) player on the pitch but somehow spawny Arse-nal won with a lucky, lucky goal from lucky lanky Kanu.

I have given detention to every player who disgraced the shirt of the best club in the whole wide world ever, and Rio, Wes, Wayne, Darren, Cristiano and O'Shea-y all promised to stay at Old Trafford tonight and think about what it means to play with Captain Neville. They've let the club down, let the fans down, let Sir down, let their mums down but most of all, they've let me down.

I'm crying now.


MONDAY

Still crying.


TUESDAY

Now crying because I asked Sir if I could go to the European Beard and Moustache Championships in Germany on Saturday because I know my big, bushy moustache will win a prize but he says I have to play a team called Reading instead. I've never even heard of Reading. My moustache is wasted on Reading, whoever they are.

I shall have to wait for the World Beard and Moustache Championships in Brighton next year on September 1 which I will definitely win after I've been growing it for a whole year. If Sir says I can't go, I shall be forced to threaten strike action.

Finished Sir's hat. I'm wearing it in for him now.


WEDNESDAY

Showed Wayne some skills in training. He said a rude word so I gave him my Curly-Wurly.


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