Things you'll never hear at Football

"...and Peter Crouch scores from a fantastic overhead kick!!!"

"I really like Robbie Savages hair"

"That rooney is a good looker."

"Frank´s looking slim today"

" ...and Mike Riley has waved away Manchester United´s penalty appeals"

"Henry has saved his best performace for the big occasion"

"Kewell's running his heart out today."

"What a great tactical sub that was Gareth"

"And Van Nistlerooy scores from 19 yards out."

"What a sporting chap that Cristiano Ronaldo is. He wouldn't even dream of manipulating referee's to get fellow professionals red-carded or use any form of cheating whatsoever. Model professional"

"Carrick is well worth £18m"

"That Martin O'Neill is very calm"

"Well done for staying on your feet when you could have gone down, Reyes"

"I saw Ron Atkinson at the Notting Hill Carnival last month"

"Glad to see Harry Redknapps twitch has gone away"

"...and thats the final whistle, Gillingham have won the champions league"

"Go on Titus use your natural talent"

"That Bobby Robson looks younger each day"

'Chelsea, the people's club…'

'Michael Brown pulled out of that 50/50 tackle.'

'Arjen Robben stayed on his feet in the box… he could easily have gone down and looked for a penalty.'

'What a lovely, flowing move by Blackburn. There must have been at least 20 passes before they scored.'

'The crowd are on their feet and chanting Eric Djemba-Djemba's name.'
Great defending, quality play there from Bramble....

"I see Liverpool are unchanged again"