If Teams Were Women... (old)

Arsenal - Angelina Jolie
Look good, a bit maverick at times and you know they have the potential to really fcuk you over.

Aston Villa - Dido
One big hit. Fairly inoffensive really.

Birmingham City - Maria Carey
Occasionally interesting, frequently annoying. Supporters are thick.

Blackburn Rovers - Melanie Sykes
Common as muck Lancy, constantly worrying.

Bolton Wanderers - Natalie Imbruglia
Always looks like she might go down but never does.

Charlton Athletic - Martine McCutcheon
Chirpy Cockney with the ability to spring a few surprises.

Chelsea - Maggie Thatcher
Hated by millions, supported by idiots.

Everton - Barbara Windsor
Been laughing at those t!ts so long we forget that once upon a time they actually looked quite good.

Fulham - Andrea Corr
Not bad to look at but not much of her. Seems a bit awestruck with fame.

Leicester City - Patsy Palmer
Generally a bit crap and second rate really, but someone has to like her.

Leeds United - Lisa Scott Lee
Dirty Lee.

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis Bextor
Individually all the components look fantastic - just doesn't work when put together.

Man City - Madonna
Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars. Nice new home though.

Man United - Jordan
Dominated by t!ts. Quite repulsive really.

Middlesborough - Tara Palmer Tompkinson
Can look quite good at the back - but nothing at all up front to speak of.

Newcastle United - Christina Aguillera
Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though.

Portsmouth - Chrissie Hynde
On the face of it a has-been but you're quite interested in what she's going to do next.

Southampton - Kylie Minogue
Sometimes you feel sorry for them, They're not huge and you've got a bit of a soft spot.

Tottenham - Ulrika Johnson
Can look good, but get a good beating now and then