Saturday, June 11, 2005

Babe of the Day - Lindsay Lohan

For more pics, visit the
Lindsay Lohan Photo Gallery

Champions League goals in GIFS

Caption Competition!

Leave yours in the comments!

Some Important Rules

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her... Believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends....You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Good Girls v Bad Girls

*Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
*Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

*Good girls wax their floors.
*Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

*Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
*Bad girls know they could do it better.

*Good girls wear white cotton panties.
*Bad girls don't wear any.

*Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of
pearls. *Bad girls think they're fullu dressed with just a strand of

*Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it.
*Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

*Good girls pack their toothbrush.
*Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

*Goodgirls wear high heels to work.
*Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

*Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
*Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.

*Good girls prefer the missionary postition.
*Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

*Good girls say 'no'.
*Bad girls say 'when?'

*Good girls will make you breakfast.
*Bad girls will have you for breakfast. From

Anyone got any more?

Everything happens for the best


Day 1

Nearly missed the 12:00 midnight flight from dubai (fashionably late doesn't quite work at the airports).

The Aeroasia plane turned out to be a tiny
Boeing 737. The damn thing was scary when it took off, it was actually shaking and making funny noises. On the positive side though, the airhostesses were fit as fcuk, which is rather unusual if you've ever flown in a Pakistani airlines.

The good thing about flying in smaller aircraft is that they fly a bit low, which means you can always see the ground underneath unless there's a thick cloud cover. Flying over Dubai at night is as beaufitul as it gets. Nakheel's '
World' Islands were visible as little white dots in the big black ocean. It's a 90 minute flight and you don't get to see much once you've left Dubai as it flies over the ocean until it reaches Karachi.

Got to Khi Airport at 3:00 am local time. The flight was a bit late. Karachi has a small but very neat little airport. The building is beautiful actually, probably one of the most modern airports in South Asia (after
Lahore Airport, which I've never seen). Its got excellent facilities, great coffee shops, a big duty free store, internet access, and the staff is extremely professional and helpful.

I was met with two immigration officials upon entering the airport, holding a card with my name on it. For a second I thought whether I should just walk past! I didn't have anything illegal on me (not this time) and my visa etc was in order. So anyway, went with them, shitting myself, as they took me through the immigration counter and customs and out to the visitors area. It turned out that a mate of mine who knew I was coming, had 'arranged' all of this, as coming out of the airport can take up to half an hour. In Karachi, life can be very sweet if you know the right people.

Anyways, got back to my mate's place around 5 after we took a couple of stops along the way. Also saw the KFC that had been torched a day before on the way, in response to a bomb that went off at a mosque. I could swear the place smelt like burnt chicken.

Day 2

By the time I slept it was 7:30 am, knowing that I had to wake up around 10 and pick Henna up from her friend's house at 11.

The thing is, her parents didn't know we meet. Infact her Dad didn't even know I existed. She usually had to tell them she's off to college or to some friends house and I'd pick her up from there.

So I did pick her up at 11, spent the day together, dropped her off at 6 and then slept like a mofo for the rest of the evening. The next day was spent lazing around too, I was supposed to fly back that night and we didn't have any plans to meet up again but when Henna called me around 5ish, I knew I just had to see her one more time.

Day 3

So I picked her up, this time we went to a shopping mall as I had to buy a few DVDs (pirated ofcourse, its amazing how many movies you can pick up for £20. Well, 22 in total, most of which had 2-3 movies in them so I actually ended up with 50 movies in proper DVD format for just £20. Can't really beat that.

On the way back I'd be lying if I said I didn't notice two blokes on a motorcycle following us. I was too busy making out with Henna as we stopped on the traffic lights. Just as I had dropped her off at her friend's house, these two arsewipes appeared on that same bike out of nowhere and asked me nicely to step out. I did. They began asking me about what I was doing there and what my name was etc. I was like.. 'and who are you??' thats when he pulled out what looked like a police badge.

Now, Pakistan has strict laws banning indecent acts in public. Making out with someone in your car counts as public indecency.

I was officially shitting myself.

Not becuase of myself, but because of the consequences Henna might have to face if her parents knew she was spotted making out with some bloke in a car somwhere. Her parents are very strict when it comes to their little girl going out in the big bad world meeting big bad men. Like most muslim parents are actually.

Anyways, so there were these two 'policemen' quizzing in the street in front of Henna's friends house. The fat one (there's always a fat one) then asked me what am I willing to do to make sure Henna's parents don't find out? I told him to fuck off. Literally. And then this arsehole pulls out a shiny piece of metal which in an instant I recognised as a fire-arm, my hands automatically in my pockets handing him over my phone and my wallet with its entire contents.

You don't argue with someone who has a gun. That's just plain stupid.

Anyways, I get home to find my dad running around like a headless chicken, worried as he had thought I was arrested. Those bastards had rung both my dad and Henna's dad to scam some more money off them, saying that they'll file charges against us both for public indecency if they didn't pay em off. They'd gotten Henna's number from my phone obviously.

I was like........ what the fook!!!!!!!! They had told Henna's dad what we were upto. And she hadn't denied it, she was too scared.

The shit had hit the fan.

Day 4

But as they say, everything happens for the best right? My dad told Henna's family not to worry about those wankers as they weren't really police, infact he asked them to come over to our place and they shat themselves and never called again. On the positive side, in true Muslim tradition, my dad had a long chat with hers and they invited us for dinner the next day, when it was decided finally that we will get engaged on November the 5th.

Day 5

Back to Dubai.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Reds to defend European Cup

Liverpool WILL be able to defend their Champions League trophy next season after UEFA today granted them a place in the first qualifying round of the competition.

Following a telephone conference between the 14 members of UEFA's executive committee it was decided that Rafael Benitez's European champions should be invited to take part in next year's competition despite finishing outside the top four in the Premiership.

It means that England will now have five representatives in next season's competition after UEFA agreed the winners should have the right to defend the title they won so dramatically in Istanbul. Details from the beeb

Babe of the Day - Katie Holmes

Proof that you don't neccessarily need a pair of DDs to win this title.

And here's the full photo gallery

Thursday, June 09, 2005

75 Reasons Why....

why women should not have freedom of speech (Warning: Offensive) :

1. She doesn't need to talk to get me a beer.
2. If she's in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.
3. If she can talk, all she'll do is complain.
4. Because she won't say "I will" instead of "I do."
5. No man wants to hear "first down" during a basketball game.
6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.d "period" unless it has to do with hockey.
7. No man needs or wants to hear the word "period" unless it has to do with hockey.
8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.
9. Affirmative action. them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.
10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey anyway.

11. If my dick's in her mouth, she can't talk anyway.
12. Oprah.
13. Feminists.
14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.
15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.
16. I don't want to be made to lie and say "I love you" after sex.
17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.
18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I don't want to hear anybody calling me back.
19. "No, I will NOT buy you tampons while I'm at the store"
20. This is my dick. I'm gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.
21. Don't waste your breath, I won't respect you in the morning.
22. Women sportscasters.
23. Women congressman.
24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad -- see #66)
25. Marge Schott.
26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).
27. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).
28. Where does speaking come into "barefoot and pregnant?"
29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.
30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.
31. I could give a shit if you're pregnant.
32. I don't care if you're in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.
33. Women caused the 18th amendment.
34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.
35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they dont need to talk)
36. We're tired of their "We can't pee standing up" shit.
37. That damn apple.
38. If she can't speak, she can't cry rape.
39. Of course, if she can't speak, she can't say no.
40. Rosanne. Nuff said.
41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.
42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?
43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.
44. If she can't talk, she can't bitch when I forget important dates.
45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.
46. When she talks she's not drinking, it's hard to get her drunk when she talking.
47. Nothing should come out a womans mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!
48. The Mute button only works on the TV.
49. Whores get payed by the hour not by the word.
50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.
51. Equality is for math.
52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.
53. If it hurts, I don't wanna hear it.
54. Marcia Clark.
55. Chick-flicks.
56. You don't see Victoria's Secret models talking, do you?
57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.
58. Michael Jackson.
59. Silence and sex make a great combination.
61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above the dashboard.
62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.
63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.
64. High phone bills really suck.
65. Women should be seen and not heard.
66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?
67. If I want romance, I'll turn on Playboy(hopefully not her).
68. Because they're not men.
69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.
70. If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.
71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, I'd give it to you.
72. "Where've you been?" Who the fuck are you, my mother?
73. Women on radio? you can't see them, do you really want to hear them?
74. Unless the words are "Doctor, can you make these bigger?," shut the fuck up.
75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.

European Union's Latest Proposal

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Old news

This Summer's Number 1 hit!

We're the one and only
Euro Campione
Who get to keep the trophy
The rest aint good enough!

At 3-nil we were stuffed
We thought it was all over
But come the second half
We played them off the park!

Stevie...Steve Gerrard
Ee-zey...He's in command

Grobbelaar's come back to life

Come on and do the Dudek
Do the Jerzy Dudek
Shake it, shake it, move it
Jump up and wave your gloves!

New single coming out soon!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Babe of the Day - Laetitia Casta

Laetitia Casta Photo Gallery

21 Reasons English is Tough

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Surreal, but nice.

DHA Mosque


Karachi International Airport - Small but beautiful

Karachi lived up to its reputation in grand style.

An extended 5 day trip that somehow included bombs going off, a KFC being torched, me nearly getting arrested for violation of the public indecency laws, getting mugged at gunpoint, and on a less-distressing note, setting my engagement date (November 5th) with my sweetheart after a 'Meet the Parents' style meetup. Although this one included her grandparents and a few uncles and aunties thrown in.

I'm back now and the show will continue. Thanks for missing me those who did.

By the way, I've just noticed that for some reason my stats shot up the day I left.

Nearly 1,650 on the 2nd of June, god knows how and why cuz as you can see the usual average is around 150 hits a day. and since then its stayed above 500 hits. Whats going on!? Who are you people? You can leave a message in comments saying hello you know. You don't have to register for it. Don't forget to leave your name though and how you got here.
So, how have y'all been?
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