Saturday, April 16, 2005

Movies Marathon

I've spent nearly 20 of the last 48 hours watching 11 movies. I feel like a fuckin zombie now I believe there's something seriously wrong with me.

With thursday and friday being the weekend in this part of the world, I had a couple of my mates over and we pulled out some classics from my DVD collection and spent the next 14 hours watching, one after the other, the following movies and rolling up joints.

Goodfellas (don't need to say anything about this one)
The Italian Job (Love it)
Ocean's 11 (One of the best ever made)
Snatch (The best british gangster movie of all time)
Lock Stock and Two Smoking barrels (The 2nd best british gangster movie of all time)
Eurotrip (The funniest movie of all time)
Heat (What can I say)

after that we took some rest. had a shite. ate a little. slept until late afternoon and then woke up only to find one of us already up watching American Pie 1. So we ordered pizza for breakfast (or lunch, whatever) and switched to some good old porn. Apprently, Jenna Jameson doesn't have the same effect anymore as she did about 5 years ago. So next, was Best Laid Plans (Has a sickening twist right at the end), American Pie 1 (God bless the internet) The Ring 1 (Not as good as 2 but still pretty fuckin creepy, specially when you've had a joint too many), Before Sunset (beautifully written) and Training Day (Eva Mendes - 2nd hottest babe on the planet).

Now, every single movie mentioned above I had already watched numerous times before but thats not the reason I'm worried about myself. And believe you me, I AM WORRIED.

The movie I hadn't watched before was Ten Things I hate about you. Its a fuckin chick flick, I don't even remember what went on in it as I wasn't really paying much attention but right at the end, after this aussie bloke has really screwed up with some chick he allegedly cares about, she reads a poem in front of a full lecture room. It left me with a lump in my throat. And I aint admitting more than that!

Here's wot it was. Its pretty harmless stuff.

I hate the way you talk to me.
And the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare

I hate your big dumb combat boots.
And the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick
it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh -- even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it that you're not around. And the fact that you didnt call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you - - not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

See what I mean? Wot the FUCK is the world coming to? Wot's happenin to me? Am I weird? Am I turning gay? Am I a poof? I'm worried sick now. Im sure as fuck it aint right for guys to get all teary eyed at chick flicks but has anyone of you EVER experienced something like that? After you've hit puberty ofcourse?

I think it was the dope.

Gender Specific Dictionary

Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

Butt (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

Birthdays & Anniversaries (burth-daze and an-nu-ver-sa-rez)n.
female: A time to reflect on ones life and loves, celebrate with loved ones and exchange gifts.
male: A time to get drunk.

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

Tennis Match, or Moaning Match!

Tennis Judge Loses it during a match [Video]

Thanks to Net Litter
Note: Feel free to nick stuff from my blog but I'd really appreciate if you link back. Cheers

Friday, April 15, 2005

Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart...

When you walk through a storm,
Hold your head up high,
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm,
There's a golden sky,
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Though your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart,
And you'll never walk alone…

Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart,
And you'll never walk alone…
You'll never walk alone.

It's starting to sink in a little now. We did beat Juventus. Convincingly. Over two legs. With a patched up side missing most ouf our first team players. It defies belief if you look at Liverpool's league performances this season, ie. losses to the saints and citeh etc, which even prompted a forummer to come up with this gem:

'If Shankly was alive, he'd be turning in his grave'

And now we're in the Semi finals of a competition where only Europe's elite participate. But then Liverpool have always been the Kings of Europe; the best performing English team in the history of all European competitions.

Nothing beats the nervousness of those 90 minutes. I was sat in a pub, screaming, cussing, and shaking with anxiety and fearing the worst every time Juve would come anywhere near our penalty area. Not even England defending the one goal lead against Argentina at Japorea 02; as a goal conceded would've taken the game into extra time.

Here, a goal would've meant The End.

Am I the happiest man on earth? Sure am. Am I proud to be part-scouse? Damn right I am. Thank you Rafa, the 11 on the field, the subs, the club staff and all the travelling fans.

As expected there were some serious disturbances before the game, Liverpool fans were attacked at pubs in Italy and stuff was being thrown at them before, during and after the game. The most sickening thing was some of the banners on display. Here's a selection:

Bet they'd wanna forget the result though.

And here's the Italians behaving gracefully.

A plastic bottle? Oh ur a hard fucker aint ya!

And here's LIVERPOOL

The rest of the photos

And here's the Anfield Rap - plus other Liverpool Songs

The 2nd Fastest ODI Hundred

I know this blog is supposed to be about footie and tits and funny stuff but I just HAVE to post about this - having witnessed on TV one of the most amazing batting performances ever imaginable. Shahidi Afridi (Pakistan) destroying India's bowling attack for 102 from 45 balls, hitting 9 sixes and 10 fours. He also holds the record for the fastest EVER hundred when he, in his first ever innings at the age of 16, smashed the Sri Lankans for 102 from 37 balls, hitting 11 sixes and 6 fours.

He plundered bowlers before they could settle in. Lakshmipathy Balaji's second over, and Anil Kumble's and Dinesh Mongia's first were pillaged for more than 20 runs each. His howitzered swat over midwicket off Zaheer Khan in the eighth over was his 200th six in one-dayers, and he blasted his way to a fifty off 20 balls. Salman Butt was reduced to a blur at the other end and bowlers' line and length were rendered redundant. Afridi charged to his hundred in 45 balls, equalling Brian Lara's record for the second-fastest hundred. If his 102 at Nairobi in 1997 - still the fastest in ODIs - had introduced him to the world, his 102 today just reaffirmed that he remains one of the most destructive elements in the cricket world. More...


In this golden era of run-scoring, where bat is master and ball is slave, there are several pretenders to the mantle of the cleanest hitter around.

The mind instantly turns to England's six-thirsty hero Andrew Flintoff, while Sri Lanka's Sanath Jayasuriya, India's Virender Sehwag and Aussie basher Adam Gilchrist are also in the frame.

But facts and figures point to one man standing above them all, Pakistan's pinch-hitter Shahid Afridi.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Random image of the day.


Best BABY joke ever. FAO: Goose

Might be old but it always cracks me up. As you read this, try and picture it all in your head.

A man is walking down the street in London when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building.

On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby. The man steps forward and calls up to the woman,

"Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!"
"No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll be killed!"
"No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am David Seaman. I was the goalkeeper for England in Euro 96 and I didn't miss a match all through the tournament. In all that time I only let the ball into my net a few times."
"What? Hardly ever?" calls the woman.
"Yes!" shouts back the man. "Every football player in the land agrees that I was the best keeper in the competition and I'm now worth over 3 million pounds ".

And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart and slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing forward.

"OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes!"

So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman's watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing.

The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man.

The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement, catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for a few seconds. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive.

The crowd is awe-struck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man, still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation.

Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road.....

Do you want us to come over and shoot her?

I will be putting up a Celebration post in a while for last night's shocking result, but meanwhile this is too good to let go. Listen to this, a mother comes home to find two daughters fighting, rings 911 to ask for help and is asked whether she wants them to come over and 'shoot' one of her daughters!

Do check it out

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

You'll Never Walk Alone

If you've had your head buried in the sand for the past couple of weeks, let me inform you that Juventus will be hosting Liverpool tonight at Turin, and on stake is a place in the Semi Final of Europe's premier club competition.

Steven Gerrard is out. Alonso is in. Although he's only played 30 minutes since January 1st when he broke his foot. Djibril Cisse, French League's top scorer for the last 2 years before joining Liverpool, is in Turin and will be an option if Liverpool badly need a goal in the final stages - says Benitez.

Meanwhile in Turin, Liverpool fans were attacked by around 20 Juve fans at a pubs. They're understandably pissed off after 39 of their supporters were killed at Heysel but 20 years is a long time and its fucking stupid to try and take it out on innocent people. Liverpool NEED to win now. For the fans. For Gerrard. For every one of you who's ever pulled on the famous red jersey and cheered and sang You'll Never Walk Alone.

Latest from LFC:
13/04/05 : Traore: We can reach semi-final
13/04/05 : Cole cheering on the Reds in Turin
13/04/05 : Benitez: We will try to win the game
13/04/05 : Carra: Beating Juve would be fantastic
13/04/05 : Cisse: It’s wonderful to be back
13/04/05 : Capello wary of Alonso threat
13/04/05 : Legend backs repeat of Munich ’81
12/04/05 : Anfield atmosphere leaves Italians in awe
12/04/05 : Del Piero: Fans should accept Reds apology

Was nice to hear the Italians in awe over the atmosphere at Anfield.

Fabio Capello was equally amazed by the wall of sound generated by the home fans straight after the impeccably observed minute's silence.

"At Anfield, even experienced players can have a bad start because of the excitement of playing in such a stadium," claimed Capello. "We were constrained, almost in a daze at the start. Pushed by their fans, the Liverpool players were extremely motivated and aggressive. They didn't allow us to play in the first half-hour."

On the pitch, the players from Turin were not afraid to admit that the Liverpool supporter's passion had an effect on their performance.

"The way Liverpool fans sing and support the team throughout the game is fantastic," revealed Fabio Cannavaro, the Juventus goalscorer on the night. "They behaved really well and they can be an example to follow, starting with the return leg."
Read More


In other news, Inter Milan's shameful record of hooligan activity means the Italian club is in danger of becoming the first club to be kicked out of the Champions League. The players were pelted with bottles, and more dangerously, with burning flairs, one of which hit the AC Milan Goalkeeper.

Here are some pics - stuff you'd never have imagined at a football match.

Checkout more photos of the incident - including AC Milan goalkeeper Dida being hit by a burning flair. Will they be the first side to be banned from Europe?

They should be. If this had happened in England, we'd have been crucified by UEFA.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Babe of the Day - Jennifer Ellison

This is for all of you who are led to my blog everyday searching for Steven Gerrard's Ex. Girlfriend, Jeniffer Ellison.

Here's the Photo Gallery

Monday, April 11, 2005

Gerrard out!

Stevie G's been ruled out of Wednesday's CL Quarterfinal 2nd Leg at Turin with a thigh strain.

Makes it so much more difficult doesn't it. Alonso will probably be back although he's been out for 3 months so I wouldn't expect tooooooooo much from him. We've done well without Stevie G at times this season and I believe we will again... You'll Never Walk Alone!!

Other LFC News
Carson fans star man v City
Baros: We can reach semi-final
Reds confirm Gerrard injury doubt
Reds fall at the last on a depressi...
Under-18s draw with Blades
Garcia living in dreamland

New Template

Finally got off me arse and worked on the template today - here it is. I've got a feeling I've fucked something up on this but I can't see what. Need some testing to do. Meanwhile let me know what you think.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Dead Baby Jokes

What’s the difference between a lorry-load of dead babies and a lorry-load of sand?
You can’t unload the sand with a pitchfork

What’s red and silver and runs into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes

What sits in the corner and gets smaller and smaller?
A baby with scissors

What’s worse than on ten dead babies in a bin?
One dead baby in ten bins

What’s worse than spinning a dead baby on a washing line?
Stopping it with a spade

How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
Stick a spear through its head

What’s blue and orange and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands

What's pink and red and goes around at 300 miles per hour?
A baby in a blender.

What’s knee-height, brown and bumps into tables?
Jordan’s Baby!

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
One, but you have to throw it really hard

What's red and knocks on the door?
A baby in a microwave.


man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer.barman pulls him his pint all the time watching the monkey.after a while the monkey leaps off the mans shoulder runs onto the pool table, picks up the white ball and eats it.Barman throws the man out because of his misbehavin monkey.Couple of weeks later man walks back into same bar and asks for one more chance.barman replies,'only if your monkey behaves'.man orders a beer, barman watches in horror as monkey leaps off mans shoulder runs over to the fruit bowl on the bar picks up a grape,shoves it in his ass,pulls it back out and eats it.barman says what the hell is your monkey up to?'man says,'well,after the white ball incident he has to check everything for size!'

Babe of the Day - Ms. Viagra

Never has a name been more appropriate. Pfizer would struggle to come up with something as effective as Sofia Vergara

Bart Simpsons Chalkboard Sentences

All the things Bart has ever had to write on the chalkboard as punishment

I will not waste chalk
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not burp in class
I will not instigate revolution
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not call my teacher `Hot Cakes'
Garlic gum is not funny
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
Tar is not a plaything
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not trade pants with others
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not sell school property
I will not cut corners" " " " "" " " " "
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not make flatulent noises in class
I will not belch the National Anthem
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not grease the monkey bars
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not show off {The board was written in an Old English font}
I will not sleep through my education
I am not a dentist
Spitwads are not free speech
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
High explosives and school don't mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will finish what I sta
Hamsters cannot fly
Underwear should be worn on the inside
The Christmas pageant does not stink
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not carve gods
I will not spank others
I will not aim for the head
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's [sic] lounge
I will not conduct my own fire drills
Funny noises are not funny
I will not snap bras
I will not fake seizures
This punishment is not boring and meaningless
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not defame New Orleans
I will not prescribe medication
I will not bury the new kid
I will not teach others to fly
I will not bring sheep to class
A burp is not an answer
Teacher is not a leper
I will not eat things for money
I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
The principal's toupee is not a frisbee
I will not squeak chalk
Goldfish don't bounce
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.

Today's Headlines!

Rafa aint happy after some sections of the media suggested that the Gerrard-Chelski deal is done and dusted already. Personally, I don't see him leaving IF Liverpool do qualify for next year's CL. Why would he? He wants to play on the big stage and it dont get any bigger the CL does it.

Rafa's got em to the Carling cup final, the CL Semis (hopefully) and qualifying for the CL next year, all with injuries to key players such as Alonso, Gerrard himself, Cisse, Smicer, Baros, Sinama, Hyppia, Mellor, and well.. most of the team really. It's been a difficult season but if you look at what they've achieved, it wasn't that bad. Things certainly look to be heading in the right direction.

If Stevie G wants medals, he should know by now that he can do that at the club he's supported since childhood. Micky Owen did exactly that, left in search of glory hoping for a shortcut and now he looks to be on the way back.

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