Saturday, June 03, 2006

Crouchy taking the robot on tour with En-gur-lund.

England Friendly - England 6 0 Jamaica

Lampard 1-0

Taylor OG
Crouch 3-0
Owen 4-0
Crouch 5-0

Missed Penalty
Crouch 6-0

Well done Crouchy.. at last he is getting some credit that he deserves. His finish for the last goal was superb, had it been a fashionable Brazilian from a Nike advert everyone would be creaming about it. Can only help the Reds next season if he gets a good world cup under his belt.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Future England King takes dancing tips from RoboCrouch

He'll keep that one in the memory bank for appropriate times - Like his wedding reception and grand-mothers wake.

Apparently Crouch rushed off and went to ring his mum to tell her what he had done! Bless him.

Haven't found the video yet (WATCH THIS SPACE).

Meanwhile, here's a couple more clips of him at Beckham's party.

Live from Goodison

Thanks to David Graham for sending that in.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Babe of the Day: Michelle Marsh


Hands outstretched, elbows rigid at right angles and jerkily moving to an imaginary beat, it is the goal celebration-cum-dance craze that is shaking the nation. From Burnham-on-Crouch to Crouch End, people are doing the Crouch.


The 6ft 7in England striker premiered his own unique version of robotics at the Beckhams' lavish World Cup party just over a week ago. While Wayne Rooney gingerly wiggled his metatarsal and Rio Ferdinand archly clicked his fingers on the mirrored dancefloor, the gangly Liverpool forward was head and shoulders above his peers as he shape-shifted to James Brown's funky beat.

Was it because people think he is a robotic player and only good for one thing - heading the ball - and then he scored a goal with his foot?
[WATCH] Or was he saying "you can take the piss out of me for the way I dance (or for the way I look), but I don't really give a f*ck? Either way, some people can take a bit of stick and he is that sort of person. Hats off to the fella and lets hope we can see a full version of his Robo-dance after he scores England's winner on July 9th.
Here he is, the 6 ft 7 inches of LEGEND!


On the first day God created Crouch. On the second day God created Mania. On the third day Crouchamania ran wild on God.

Peter Crouch doesn't go to the toilet. The toilet goes to him.

The only question Peter Crouch has ever asked is 'Whatchyagonnado?'

Peter Crouch does not jog. He runs wild.

At the end of a day, Peter Crouch does not take his shirt off - he tears it off. Peter Crouch has never worn the same shirt twice.

The only time Peter Crouch has ever taken a bath is when he took one outside to give it the Legdrop of Doom.

Whoever Peter Crouch is dating on Valentine's Day receives the same poem, 'Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm running wild, Whatchyagonnado?'

Peter Crouch never says 'pardon' or 'can you repeat that again please?'. He simply cups his hand to his ear until he hears whatever it is he has to hear.

Peter Crouch once wrote a two-hour English essay paper using just the words 'dude' and 'brotha'. He scored 93%.

He then used the exact same essay for a French exam. He scored 97%.

Peter Crouch does not make love. He runs wild.

This one time Peter Crouch entered a maze, and went on 'a mazy'. The maze gave up first.

Every girl Peter Crouch has ever been with claims he has a good touch for a big guy...

... and Peter Crouch has given every one of them the big boot... quickly followed by the Legdrop of Doom.

If you do not refer to Peter Crouch's arms as 'pythons', it is quite simply the last thing you will ever do.

When she was pregnant, Peter Crouch's mum did not feel her baby kicking - just the big boot. Mrs Crouch still gets bad wind today.

Peter Crouch did not turn down a starring role in 'Star Wars' because of wage-demands. It was because George Lucas would not allow Darth Vader to give Obi-Wan the Legdrop of Doom.

Peter Crouch does not pass water. He takes it on his chest, holds it up, then passes water.

There are seven Wonders of the World, each of whom one day hopes to meet Peter Crouch.

Upon hearing the news that Peter Crouch was in the studio audience, three Government ministers refused to go on Question Time in case they were asked 'Whatchyagonnado?'

Peter Crouch once bumped into Chuck Norris at an airport. Norris responded with a roundhouse kick. Crouch shrugged, got on his plane, went back to Liverpool, then gave Chuck Norris the big boot. Chuck Norris has not been seen or heard from since.

Peter Crouch once won a game of chess with just three pieces left when his rook started 'hulking up'. Peter Crouch does not know - or care - how to play chess.

Peter Crouch does not walk into a building unless accompanied by the theme tune to 'Real American'.

Peter Crouch did not lose his virginity - he simply threw it away when he had no use for it anymore.

The founders of Spain chose red and yellow as their national colours in the hope that one day Peter Crouch would want to play for their football team.

Peter Crouch bodyslams Hope on a daily basis.

Peter Crouch cannot walk down the street without clotheslining at least five innocents. He subsequently receives at least five apologies for 'python disturbance'.

Traffic delays don't just happen - they happen because Peter Crouch is there, and Crouch can hold up anything.

Peter Crouch does not get erect - he hulks up. Scientists now believe that this, and not America, is the planet's greatest threat to climate change.

Peter Crouch once held an eight-hour argument with his English teacher, who claimed that 'Whatchyagonnado' was a six-word sentence. The argument finished with the school's headteacher under a broken classroom table due to a Legdrop of Doom.

The missing dialogue at the end of 'Lost in Translation' saw Bill Murray's character whispering to Scarlett Johansson's, "Yes it's true babe - I am indeed a Crouchamaniac.

Crouch & Carra spill the beans

Her Darkest, Dirtiest Secrets

Here’s your sex-and-relationships lesson for this month: Honesty is the best policy…except when it’s not. After all, you don’t want to hear the woman in your bed talk about the other man (or men) she’d like to get naked with, or the fact that her last boyfriend was more sexually advanced than you, or even that she hooked up with another girl last night, sans you.
That said, you can’t stand not to know, either—which is why I keep getting those calls in the middle of the night. You know, the ones with the caller who’s breathing heavily, is obviously frustrated and is asking me all sorts of dirty questions. I know that’s just a plea for help. That is just a plea for help, right? Anyway, we got four women to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about the X-rated thoughts they keep from you. They had no choice but to comply. (Sleep deprivation works wonders.)

Dawn: What’s the biggest sexual secret you’re harboring right now?
Terezka: Sometimes I don’t want foreplay—I just want to be sexy and sweaty. Women are a lot like men sometimes.
Tasha: I lie about my age. If a guy is good-looking and I just see him as someone to have fun with, I’ll say I’m younger. I actually lied to my current boyfriend when I first met him. I didn’t tell him the truth till this year!
Nicole: I won’t give a guy everything he wants sexually right away. I’m not trying to torture him, but if he has nothing to look forward to, he’ll get bored.
Monique: I always used to fake orgasms. Faked ’em, faked ’em, faked ’em! My current boyfriend is the only guy who’s been able to get me there. The only way I can have one is if he goes down on me…and if I picture him doing Paris Hilton from behind or something.

Dawn: What else do you fantasize about?
Monique: I fantasize about having another girl in the bedroom. We’ll talk about it, I’ll say I’ll do it, and then we’ll go out, and I’m like, “I can’t do it with you.” But with somebody who I wasn’t serious with, I’d jump right on it!
Tasha: When we’re making love, I’ll say, “Let’s go to a strip club and pick up a hot stripper." The minute I tell him that, he gets excited, but I wouldn’t really cross that line.

Dawn: That’s all fine and good, but what about secret fantasies that might freak out the guy who’s in your bed?
Tasha: That would probably be me having sex with another guy. I fantasize about myself and a guy doing a love scene in a movie while my boyfriend watches.
Monique: Once in a while, I’ll think about ex-flings. One is an underwear model.
Terezka: I really just think about my guy when I’m with him. But when I masturbate, I sometimes think about girls or other things.

Dawn: A lot of women lie about their, um, special time with themselves.
Nicole: So many girls lie about it, and of course they do it.
Monique: I really don’t do it alone. I do it in front of my boyfriend. My boyfriend always says to me: “You’re a freak. I knew it would come out sooner or later.”
Tasha: Once you establish a foundation with your man and you’re in love, you almost have to experience other avenues to keep the sex alive. You know what’s great? Phone sex. We have a long-distance relationship, and I think that’s why we’re still doing so well. When we do it, he’s like, “Whoa, Tasha, you think like that?” It’s about getting down and dirty.

Dawn: Is there anything you’d like men to keep to themselves? Guys can be so polite and hygienic in the beginning of a relationship, and then it all goes to hell.
Nicole: See, if he farts, I crack up. I think it’s so funny.
Terezka: My boyfriend is very honest with everything, and he’ll show me pictures of his exes. Even if he dated the girl years ago, I hate it. I’ll see a picture and want to set it on fire.
Monique: Here’s one thing I don’t want him to keep to himself: I don’t like when a guy is so quiet in bed he doesn’t say anything or make any noise at all. It’s like, “Are you having fun? Who am I talking to—myself?”

Dawn: Don’t you think that women have double standards? I’m awful sometimes. I’ll occasionally tease a boyfriend with provocative details about an ex…and then smack him if he does the same.
Terezka: I’m a little flirt, and my boyfriend used to get mad about it. But recently, I saw a friend’s boyfriend flirt with a waitress, and I thought, If my boyfriend did that, I would twist his testicles off his body. I calmed down my flirting after that.
Monique: My boyfriend gets jealous because I’m always going out. He’d stopped partying for a while, and now he’s started again, and it drives me crazy. I won’t let him know, but deep inside, I’m punching something. It’s different when I do it! Also, my boyfriend used to think that it was cheating if I kissed a girl. He was like, “A tongue’s a tongue! A body’s a body!” I don’t think girls count.

Dawn: What makes you want to take off your clothes, like, now?
Monique: If I go to bed early and my guy stays up late, I’ll wake up to find a Post-it that says, “Have a good day” or “I love you.” When I see it, I’ll crumple it up and jump on him.
Tasha: The first night my boyfriend and I got together, I wasn’t in the mood. We’d been dating, but I thought he was too nice. One night, I stayed over—I was in his bed and he was on the couch—and an hour later, he was feeling me up and taking my clothes off. At first I was like, “Oh, no,” but then I was like, “What the hell!” He’s really good with his hands.
Terezka: I can sometimes just look at my guy and get all crazy. He doesn’t even have to touch me. I’ll imagine him coming up behind me, feeling my breasts and kissing me, and I’ll want him right then.
Monique: My boyfriend and I are always all over each other. On my birthday, we had sex in a nightclub. We went into the bathroom, and four hours later we came out.
Nicole: My ex wouldn’t even put his arm around me. My boyfriend now is like, “Oh, my God, get over here!” and he always touches me. It doesn’t matter where we are, and I love that. And if he touches my back, forget it—my back is my weakness.

Dawn: OK, let’s settle the score on a few little half-truths that a lot of women tell. Does size matter? Be honest.
Monique: It so matters. And I won’t lie about that to a guy.
Nicole: I think there’s such a thing as too big.
Tasha: If a guy isn’t the biggest but he knows how to move his body—and you know how to move your body with his—then size doesn’t really matter…unless he’s really, really small.

Dawn: Do you ever provoke a fight with your guy, just for the hell of it—or just for the makeup sex?
Nicole: Yes, because my relationship is too perfect, and that can be annoying. Also, sometimes you need to make a point, and if we don’t yell, you don’t listen!
Monique: When I fight with my boyfriend, I’ll go to my car and wait for him to follow me. He’s like, “You always want me to follow you around like a little girl, and I’m not doing it anymore!” And I’m like, “Come on…please?”
Terezka: Some nights, we’ll just say everything—it’s like puking out your feelings—and it’s good, because then problems don’t get out of hand. But sometimes we overanalyze things, and instead of talking, I wish we’d do something better, like making love.

Dawn: When you break up with a guy and say, “It’s not you, it’s me,” do you ever actually mean it?
Tasha: It’s always them.
Nicole: Yeah. We might as well just come out and say, “It’s definitely you. Sorry!”

Stewie Drunk - Family Guy


Thanks to Richard Hunt

Rewind - May 25th 2005

Jerzy Dudek: "My brother phoned me the morning after the game and asked me had I seen the match again? I said no and he said 'you need to see it because your save from Shevchenko was the hand of the God'. I told him I didn't know how I did it."

More quotes from the rest of the lads, on that wonderful, magical night:
ONE YEAR ON, by Richard Morgan

Jokes: Your contributions

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?" he asked. "Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge.

"Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for America tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there? I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found".

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation. The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to America. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night . and he's screwing me." The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a grin cracked his face and he replied, "He certainly is pet. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry!"


An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney Australia.

"The view is fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional," said the Scotsman, "but I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you'd like. Then, when you've had enough to drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid - ALL on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not myself personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."


Rooney and Colleen are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below. Colleen turns to Rooney and says: "Wayne, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!" to which Rooney replies "5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't" So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching.

Sure enough, the Man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Rooney takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Colleen, but she refuses. "I can't take your money, Wayne," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew He was going to jump."

"No, babes, fair's fair" says Wayne. "That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."

Disappointingly Misleading Moment Of The Day

Imagine our delight when we saw today's New York Times headline announcing 'Sun Says It Will Cut At Least 4000 Jobs'.

Sadly, there is to be no mass cull of the nation's favourite hacks; Sun Microsystems is shedding computer geeks.


Colo-Colo Fans

50 Things guys wish girls knew

1. If you want to cuddle after sex go buy a teddy bear.

2. Swallow. Don't start the race if you ain't gonna finish it.

3. While giving a hand job please remove all rings from your fingers, they hurt really bad.

4. Shave your shit. Seriously, shave it bald.

5. Remember that a little blood never hurt nobody.

6. There is no such thing as a fat, ugly, blow job.

7. If you ask us to any sort of dance that requires that we wear a tie, we expect a sexual favor in return.

8. If you used a vibrator and let us watch it might be the greatest moment of our life.

9. If you wonder why we will not eat you out it is most likely because; it stinks, its hairy, or it stinks and its hairy.

10. You masturbate and we know it. When you do it just let us watch.

11. Birth control is the best invention ever. Start poppin those bitches.

12. Just cause we call you when we are drunk does not mean that we like you. It means that we need some ass.

`13. Guys night out means guys night out. It doesn't mean that you and your friends meet us at the bar later.

14. If you wonder why your ass looks fat in those tight pants its because you have a fat ass.

15. If you are with us and you start to cry for any reason just get up and leave.

16. Don't think that we don't know that after we take you out and you order a salad to make us think you eat healthy that you go home and order pizza with your fat friends.

17. Once again, seriously shave your shit.

18. Just cause you get our dick one night, does not give you any right to get it the next.

19. If we drink too much, we do not need someone to hold our hair back and act like our babysitter. We have puked before and know how to handle it.

20. After we are through with you, do not expect to make us jealous by fucking our friends. We really don't care what you do.

21. If we cheat on you and you never find out about it, then its not cheating.

22. If we cheat on you and you do find out, at least it wasn't with one of your friends.

23. Swallow(just in case you forgot #2 already).

24. We don't have a problem with watching chick flicks as long as we get in your pants after.

25. Never under any circumstance take a shit while you are around us or fart. Just thinking about it makes us sick.

26. While giving us head don't be afraid to fondle our testicles, they don't bite.

27. If you are gonna jerk us off aim properly, a nut can irritate your eye.

28. Always remember that men are the superior sex and back in the day you had to ask us if you could speak.

29. If we're about to have sex and we decline because we don't have a rubber its not because we're scared we're gonna get you pregnant, its that we're scared we're gonna catch something from your dirty skank ass.

30. If you swallow like you should, do not expect us to kiss you after. Sorry that's just the way it is.

31. I don't care if you do have a flavored condom, you just don't give a blow job with a condom on. Would you like us to eat you out with a dental damn?? I didn't think so.

32. If we're doing it doggy style there is no reason to turn around and look at us, we're focused on your ass cheeks and that slapping sound.

33. Blood stains on our bed sheets come off with cold water, so make sure you scrub them thoroughly before leaving.

34. When we go down on you to munch on your rug and we instantly start sucking on the inner thighs rather than the clit, its because your clit smells like a dead trout.

35. If you let us donkey punch you we will owe you for life.

36. Just cause we have sex with you when we are drunk does not mean that you are pretty or that we like you. It means that you were our only choice.

37. If we dance with you for more than 15 minutes at a bar we expect you to come home with us.

38. If you think that you are ugly, we probably do too.

39. Don't count on us saying we love you, its just not going to happen.

40. If for some reason we do say we love you its only because we want to have sex immediately after we say it.

41. Just cause you have our phone number doesn't mean we want you to call us. If we want to talk then we will call you.

42. If you invite us over to watch a movie it would be awesome if we watched a porn instead of a movie.

43. If you can't dance then you most likely suck in bed. So stop trying to dance and start having more sex.

44. Hmmmmm......girls in thongs.......yummmmmmmmmm

45. If you are fat the only way you are going to get anywhere in life is to give great blow jobs. Sorry that's just the way it is.

46. A sure way to keep a guy around for awhile is to have anal sex with him. We can't put into words how it feels.

47. You don't have to ask our permission to make out with another chick. Just do it but make sure we are there to watch.

48. In case you didn't read #4 and #17 let me repeat...Shave your shit!

49. Guys don't have sex or make love, we fuck.

50. You can impress us if you can swallow our entire load without dripping or wiping your mouth afterwards.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Babe of the Day: Mischa Barton

What wings have you got?

Red Wings
Successfully shagged a Virgin

Brown Wings
Successfully performed Anal Sex

Metal Wings
Sex with someone with a clitoral piercing. (NOT someone in a wheelchair)

Bling Bling Wings
Shagging an afro-american lady

Green Wings
Had sex outdoors

Twin Wings
Shagged identical twins

Orange Wings
Shagged a disabled badge holder

Grey Wings (Wayne Rooney has them)
Shagged a Pensioner

Triple Wings
Successfully participated in a threesome

Crouch - Hot Stepper

Embarassing Moments..!

A radio station in Australia recently ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moments in listener's lives. The following are the final 4.

4th Place

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's Willie last night!' The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me, were the screams of laughter.

3rd Place

It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE' My entire family...aunts, uncles, grandparents,
cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

2nd Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checkout chick got on the public address system and boomed out for the entire store to hear 'Price check on Tampax Supersize.'

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks' in a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you belt in with a hammer?"

1st place

This one happened at a major Australian University in October last year in a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female, raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in the male semen as in sugar?' 'That's correct.' Responded the professor, going on to add some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?'

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without a word walked out of the class, and never returned.

However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic.

Totally straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue, and the not in the back of your throat.'

Thanks to The Convict

Top 87 bad predictions

'The Americans are good about making fancy cars and refrigerators, but that doesn’t mean they are any good at making aircraft. They are bluffing. They are excellent at bluffing.' Hermann Goering, Commander-in-Chief of the Luftwaffe, 1942.

'With over fifteen types of foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn’t likely to carve out a big share of the market for itself.' Business Week, August 2, 1968.

'The multitude of books is a great evil. There is no limit to this fever for writing; every one must be an author; some out of vanity, to acquire celebrity and raise up a name, others for the sake of mere gain.' Martin Luther, German Reformation leader, Table Talk.

'Ours has been the first [expedition], and doubtless to be the last, to visit this profitless locality.' Lt. Joseph Ives, after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.

'There is no doubt that the regime of Saddam Hussein possesses weapons of mass destruction. As this operation continues, those weapons will be identified, found, along with the people who have produced them and who guard them.' General Tommy Franks, March 22nd, 2003.

Here are the rest

10 Best ads of all time

Must Watch Videos of the Day: BORAT


Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3-1/2 inch floppy,
you just hoped nobody ever found out.

The Funniest Own Goal Ever?

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