Saturday, October 29, 2005

Jessica Alba - For real this time

Even though her publicists deny it (which usually means it's true), Jessica Alba may have a bit of a thing for the adult entertainment. Full Story with some recent pics

Charlize Theron

Start Praying

The billboard of every man's dreams. When it gets wet, the model's top goes see-through. At least that's what it looks like. [via]

Huge Airbus A380

This Airbus A380 has to be one of the biggest remote control planes ever. It even sounds like one. The site has more pictures and a video of the plane in action. [via]

Truck Art

Lots of images of truck art from the Rhino Rolling Advertising Awards 05. [via]

Your Sex ID - How your brain works

Do you have a male or a female brain? I took this amazing test only to find out that apparently I've got half a female's brain. And no, it aint got anything to do with your sexual preferences. Its more about how you notice things around you and how your brain acts in certain situations.

Inzi: Lazy, fat couch potato / Dangerous Batter

The fat bloke in the middle is the captain of Pakistan's cricket team that will host England sometime next month. Fresh from the Ashes triumph, they are clearly the favourites, although the underdog title may suit Pakistan's style of play, just like it helped Liverpool in the CL.

Should be a great series IMO.

Inzi has long had a reputation of being a slow mover.
Mike Selvey of The Guardian writes about how once the game restarted before Inzi had left the field after being given out LBW, cuz he was moving so slow. But that doesn't affect his play, oh no. True he might be the biggest culprit in cockups between the wickets but this man, has probably been the best player of fast bowling in the world for over a decade.

The Russian Jerry Springer

Holy crap this is bad

Looks like they need Big Steve from the proper Jerry Springer

Attracting the wrong sort...

How one of the most envied brand reinventions spectacularly
backfired for Burberry.

From being associated exclusively to A-listers to becoming a national tabloid joke associated with
Britain's Peasent Underclass

Chav and Proud - take the Chav test
Think Chavs are bad? Meet the Pendoos
Scum of the earth - Chav links
Chav Jokes

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Jessica Alba

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

What is wrong with Liverpool?

Words fail me. Completely.

Was Gerard Houllier a better manager than Rafa Benitez?

Werer we a stronger team under Gerard Houllier?
With Michael Owen in form we atleast had a serious goal threat, so - MAYBE

Were we better as a team under Gerard Houllier?
As a team we were. In the last few games there have been countless times where we have looked disorganized, and doesn't as if we've gelled in together as a team that well. Not interested, basically. There are brilliant moves and flicks that always result in a surprised look from our own players, unlike the Arsenal of 2003-04 for example, where players would be in good positions expecting a clever pass or a flick on.

Its starting to get really really disappointing now. Losses against Chelsea, Fulham and now Crystal Palace. We've been kicked out of one of the 5 competitions we'll be involved in for the season. And the worst thing is, even though we're still doing a good job in Europe, back in England things don't look likely to improve. Until January atleast.

Would Rafa Benitez still have his job if he hadn't won the CL last year?

The Pervert Test


1. What's in front of a woman and back of a cow?

2. What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

3. What's about 6 inches long, has a vein running down it, and women love to get their hands on?

4. What goes in hard and solid then comes out soft and sticky?

5. What is long, hard and round and sticks so far out a man's pajamas that you can hang a hat on it?

6. What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a dog does on three legs?

7. What is it that a woman has two and a cow has four?

8. What assists an erection, often has big balls hanging from it, and is also called a big swinger?

9. What do you stick poles inside of, tie down to get it up. and also gets wet before you do?

10. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.

11. What do you stick your finger in and fiddle with when you're bored? The best man always has me first.

12. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.

13. What comes in many sizes, drips when it is not well, and makes you feel good when you blow it?

14. When I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.

15. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.

16. What has a stiff shaft, has a penetrating tip, and comes with a quiver?

17. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush.

18. What's brown and sticky?

New Mathematics

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does

Penis Facts

Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons

Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200

Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000

Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons

Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons

Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour

Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour

Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7

Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150

Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches

Average length when erect: 5.1

Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch

Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches

Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)

Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet

Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall

Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight.

Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ, chicken fingers from Erie dining hall

Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%

Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%

Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%

Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2weeks

Average # of erections per day for a man: 11

Average # of erections during the night: 9

Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours

Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)

Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100

Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm

Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm

In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet. Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste. Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest. ACIDIC FRUITS AND ALCOHOL (EXCEPT PROCESSED LIQUORS) GIVE IT A PLEASANT AND SUGARY TASTE.
Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)

Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie (happy thanksgiving!)

Yes, the penis does shrink in cold water

It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood', a name for an a.m. erection

Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false

Michael Vaughan = Pervert?!

(AP) England cricket team skipper Michael Vaughan caught red handed trying to photograph up a woman's skirt.

How men and women shower

How to Shower Like a Woman...........

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -
make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,
leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial
scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and
jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wipe up any water that got on the floor.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown
and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up
any exposed areas.

How to Shower Like a Man............

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of
the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener
at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch
your behind.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the
water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the

Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt
hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.


Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain
was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake
wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

Monday, October 24, 2005

FAO: The Ladies

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e.relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Dirty D's Guide to Ethnic Women


First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.


First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


First Date: You get dynamite head. Second Date: You get more great head. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.


First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address. Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home. Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.


First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.


First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night.


First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.


First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She is pregnant. Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

Speech Goofs

1. "I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job"
--George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

2. "This is a great day for France!"
--Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

3. "Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"
--George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

4. "For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks."
--George Bush

5. "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change."
--Dan Quayle

6. "Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here."
--Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

7. "What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is."
--Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

8. "I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland."
--William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

9. "The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at."
--George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

10. "I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me."
--George Bush

11. "If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed."
--Ronald Reagan

12. "My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
--Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

13. "Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
--Dan Quayle

14. "Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed."
--Ronald Reagan

15. Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.
Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.

16. "Bite the wax tadpole."
-- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

17. "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."
-- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

18. "I am a jelly doughnut"
--English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

19. "We pray for MacArthur's erection."
--sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

20. "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
--from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

21. "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."
--Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

22. "I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that."
--Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

23. "Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States."
--Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

24. "Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an add. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused."
--correction printed in The Daily Californian

25. "Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!"
--Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

26. "I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?"
--announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience

27. They X-Rayed my head and found nothing.
--Jerome "Dizzy" Dean

American Pie: Bandcamp!

Are you a charmer or charmless? Find out by playing the American Pie Band Camp Cheerleader Charme Game

Its Official: Goodfellas is the greatest movie of all time!

MARTIN Scorsese's mobster masterpiece Goodfellas has beaten Citizen Kane and any number of Hitchcock classics to be named the finest film ever made.

It tops a "definitive guide" to the 100 greatest movies, pushing Orson Welles's 1941 classic into sixth place.

Total Film magazine, which compiled the list, said: "Goodfellas has it all - story, dialogue, performances, technique. It is slick, arguably the slickest film ever made. But it is also considered, layered and freighted with meaning."

MORE on this story and some other films that made the list


Henry Hill: [narrating] And when the cops, they assigned a whole army to stop Jimmy, what'd he do? He made 'em partners.


Henry Hill: Jimmy was the kind of guy that rooted for bad guys in the movies.


Henry Hill: [narrating] Whenever we needed money, we'd rob the airport. To us, it was better than Citibank.


Henry Hill: [narrating] And then there was Jimmy Two Times, who got that nickname because he said everything twice, like:
Jimmy Two Times: I'm gonna go get the papers, get the papers.


[Henry, Jimmy and Tommy are digging with shovels to find Batts' corpse. Henry is sickened by the stench, but the others don't appear to be bothered]

Tommy DeVito: Hey Henry, Henry, hurry up will you? My mother's gonna make some fried peppers and sausage for us. Oh hey, Henry, Henry. Here's an arm.
Henry Hill: Very funny, guys.
Tommy DeVito: Hey, here's a leg. Here's a wing.
[He laughs]
Tommy DeVito: Hey, what do you like, the leg or the wing, Henry? Or do you still go for the old hearts and lungs?
[Henry vomits]


Jimmy Conway: [after Spider tells Tommy to "go fuck yourself"] I can't believe what I just hear.
[he throws some money on the table]
Jimmy Conway: Here, Spider, this is for you. I got respect for this kid. He's got alot of fucking balls. Good for you, don't take no shit of nobody. He shoots him in the foot he tells him to go fuck himself.
[to Tommy, joking]
Jimmy Conway: Tommy, you gonna let him get away with that? You gonna let this fucking punk get away with that? What's the matter? What's the world coming to?
[Tommy pulls out a gun and shoots Spider in the chest]
Jimmy Conway: I'm fucking kidding with you; you fucking shoot the guy?
Henry Hill: He's dead.
Tommy DeVito: I'm a good shot, what do you want from me? I'm a good shot.
Anthony Stabile: How could you miss at this distance?

For more quotes from one of the best movies of all time, see IMDB

Want the original script? Here's the pdf

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Who says yanks don't get irony

In other news:

Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony.

"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".

Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future.

"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks, and I burned them, and I said "Hey, great weather."

Rape can be funny, no?

Extract from the Yorkshire Evening Post:

A drunk who claimed he had been raped by a dog was yesterday jailed for 12 months by a judge. Martin Hoyle, 45, was arrested by police after a passing motorist and his girlfriend found a Staffordshire bull terrier, called Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire.

Prosecutor Ben Crosland said the couple had stopped to help because they thought Hoyle was being attacked by the animal. But when they got closer they saw that he had his trousers round his ankles, was down on all fours and the dog was straddling him from behind.

"The defendant mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to him," said Mr Crosland. "The couple were extremely offended and sickened by what they saw." Another passing motorist contacted the police and Hoyle was arrested as he walked with the dog down the road.

Hoyle, of East view, Marsh, Huddersfield, told police "I can't help it if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me."
He repeated the rape allegation at the police station and added "The dog pulled my trousers down." Hoyle, who has had a long-standing alcohol problem, was jailed for 12 months after he admitted committing an act which outraged public decency.

His barrister said Hoyle had no memory of the incident because of his drunken state, but was now very remorseful and incredibly embarrassed.
Jailing him, Judge Alistair McCallum told Hoyle "Never before in my time at the bar or on the bench have I ever had to deal with somebody who voluntarily allowed himself to be buggered by a dog on the public highway. Frankly it is beyond most of our comprehension. It is an absolutely disgusting thing for members of the public to have to witness."

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