Stoned 'On Air'

This reporter involuntarily gets a bit too involved in the event he's covering.

Hilarious video.

You have reached the voicemail of...

Some guy is leaving an answerphone message and he witnesses a car crash right in front of him when he's waiting at some lights! Fooking hilarious!

Click here to listen (1.5mb)

Babe of the Day - Liz Hurley

Elizabeth Hurley Photo Gallery
Elizabeth Hurley Topless Pics / Recent

London Underground Announcements

London Underground has been in the news for all the wrong reasons lately and we hope that changes soon. Meanwhile, here's a list of actual announcements that Tube train drivers have made to their passengers.

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. We know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl 'step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen...unfortunately towels are not provided'.

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don't think about things like that"

"This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors".

"Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact, terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but 'they' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the driver..."

'let the passengers off the train FIRST!' He gave up... 'Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home.' Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station.

"to the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand??"

Classy Reds cruise past Sofia

Liverpool moved a step closer to the group stages of the Champions League in Sofia on Wednesday night as Rafael Benitez's side produced another classic European away performance to beat the Bulgarian champions 3-1.

A first-half strike from Djibril Cisse and one in each half for Fernando Morientes could prove absolutely priceless away goals for Rafael Benitez's side when the return leg at Anfield in a fortnight's time decides which one of these two teams ends up in the draw for the Champions League proper.

Benitez had warned on the eve of the game that CSKA Sofia would prove a far tougher test for the European Champions than either TNS or FBK Kaunas had in earlier qualifiers and his assessment looked spot on as the Bulgarian title-holders immediately took the game to the visitors from the first whistle. Full Match Report

Other News:
Parry surprised at Gonzalez rejection
Liverpool Chief Executive Rick Parry says he is surprised that the club's application for a work permit for Chile starlet Mark Gonzalez was turned down and expressed his frustration at the decision.

Hyypia not happy to concede a goal
Sami Hyypia felt it was a good win for Liverpool in CSKA Sofia but added as a defender he wasn't at all happy with the goal the Reds conceded in Bulgaria.

Gerrard: This will be Nando's season
Steven Gerrard watched Fernando Morientes bag his first Champions League goals of the competition and then declared: "This will be his season."

11/08/05 : CSKA coach: Better team won
11/08/05 : Cisse abuse to be reported
10/08/05 : Cisse: I have a lot to prove this season
10/08/05 : Rafa happy with Sofia success

New dawn or a flash in the pan? <----- Excellent Article

Man United Fans should never have kids!

S3xY_lA55_18: wanna see my boobies?
Fat_40yr_Old_virgin_wanker: does a bear shit in the woods?
S3xY_lA55_18: Here they are, oh f***, daddy! Knock!
Dad: You left the door open!
Fat_40yr_Old_virgin_wanker: Shit, that's my boss!

wanna see what happened? click here

Finger > Arse

Apparently, some blokes enjoy having their woman's finger up their bum while getting a shiner.

Personally, I think enjoying anything going up your arse for a guy, is well GAY.

Anyways, some guy started a thread about this and a forummer called 'Bristols' who's totally against this practice, is now in a sticky situation - once the thread reaches 10 pages, bristols will have to take one up his arse.

Funniest thing since Coconut Man, check it out here

The tenth page will come,
And Bristol's bum,
Will contain a thumb.

but who's thumb
will be up his bum?
he wont be glad
if its a lad
"It'll make me gay"
I hear him say.
It better be a girl
so he'll give it a whirl

Yes, they actually said that.

Okay so I'm out of original stuff so here's some brilliant quotes that i spotted somewhere recently.

(On going to war over religion)
"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
Yassa Arrafat (PLO leader)

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?'"
Arnold Swarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
Patricia Arquette

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I've discovered that I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

You MUST see this !!!!!!!!!!!

Funniest Prank I've EVER seen on the interweb - You GOTTA see this. Loads quick.

And oh we won 3-1, Morientes x 2 and Cisse x 1!
Will post details and pic in the morning

Lets all Laugh at Everton

So much for Moyes calling his joke of a club 'The best on merseyside'.

Losing 2-1 on your own turf is a sorry state of affairs at Goodison - How ironic it would be if the scum didn't even make it to the group stages. [Match Report]

History Rising

"History Rising" is the slogan of the gigantic construction project set in motion by Dubai ruler Sheikh Muhammad al-Maktoum last year.

It has now reached the stage of a 50-metre-deep (165ft) foundation being laid for what is planned as the world's tallest building Dubai Tower.

The silver and steel tower, whose height is a secret, is a shining symbol of the new self-confidence of booming Dubai. [more]

Babe of the Day - Milla Jovovich

Huge photogallery of Milla J's pics

5 trick questions...

...that women love to ask men - and their answers

The questions are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?


What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrect (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

1. What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are and how lucky I am to have met you."

Inappropriate answers:
a. Baseball
b. Football
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

2. Do you love me?
The proper response is "YES!", or if you feel a more detailed answer is in order "Yes, dear".

Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love. (Clinton's response)
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

3. Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic "Of course not!"

Incorrect:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're thighs sure do make a lot of noise.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

4. Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question, I was thinking of the insurance money again.

5. What would you do if I died?
A definite no win question here. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a new Porsche.")

No matter how you answer this question, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up question, usually along these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not ... don't you like being married?
Man: Of course, I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you re-marry?
Man: OK, I'd get married again.
Woman: YOU WOULD (hurtful look on face)??
Man: Yes, I would.
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with hers?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them, she is left handed.

Midgets

\Midg"et\, n. [Dim. of midge.]
1. Offensive. An extremely little person who is of proportionate stature.
2. A small or miniature version of something.
3. A class of small objects, as a class of very small sailboats or racing cars.

Why do midgets laugh while they play the soccer?
Because the grass tickles their balls!

What is really really nasty?
When a midget tells you your hair smells good

How do you stop a midget from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

How do you keep midgets out of your back yard?
Hang one out the front.

Never seen a midget? Now's your chance

1.Midget In A Washing Machine
2.Midgets trying to pretend all normal
3.Midget On Drums
4.Midget Playing Electric Guitar
5.Wow This Is The Coolest Midget
More Funny Midget Pics

Midget Tossing

The longest midget toss is said to have been made by an English truck driver named Jimmy Leanard. he tossed Lenny The Giant (4'4" , 98lbs.) 11 feet, 5 inches. There is said to be an Australian record of around 30 feet, but i was unable to find any record of this documented anywhere, and i suspect it is just internet Myth.

2.) Midgets who go on tours for the soul purpose of Midget tossing, can make six-figure incomes. Dont feel so sorry now do you?

3.) Midget tossing has been outlawed in many states in America, and in many other countries, but luckily here in old Blighty it is still allowed, and rightfully so.

From: Jon Donnis's Midgets

Kiss my Chaddiezzzz!

Following on from our insight into Chavs the other day, we present another (not so new) phenomenon. Pendoos!,

'We were not only amazed by the amount of fellow Pendoos out there but also by the fact that they don't all live in East Ham but seem to be located all over the world.

As Pendooism gets into every part of daily life we've split the site into a number of sections, each having it's own gallery pics, guestbook entries and links.

And that is where all you Pendoos come in. If you are a Pendoo, if you know a Pendoo or if you think you know what makes a Pendoo, please submit us whatever you can. Whether it's a picture of your Uncle Harpreet's garden in Ilford or the dance moves of your cousin Gurpal in Ealing, we would like the rest of the world to see it. '

Strange things you probably never knew

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2".

8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries....)

10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 18,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.

15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)

17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."

19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so the called themselves Motorola.

22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."

28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman

to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!

29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.

31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

RIP

Robin Cook, the former Foreign Secretary, died in hospital last night after collapsing while walking in the Scottish hills he loved. [more]

This is an extract from Robin Cook's resignation speech to the House of Commons, 17 March 2003. It electrified Parliament and will be remembered as one of the most important addresses in modern Westminster history.