Rafa quotes

"talk to carra, if you can understand him you can understand anyone."

"I asked for a sofa and they brought me a lamp" (valencia)

"But we have a saying in Spain that you never sell the house to buy a window. You don't spend more money than you have "

"This is Anfield, they say you'll never walk alone... it's true!"

"how do you deal with defeats" i think he said something like "i didnt lose a lot in Valencia, i dont plan on losing too many here either" quality from a man with broken english

"My secretary, Sheila, was right in line with the shot and she says it was a goal. That's good enough for me."

"We are preparing a special weightlifting plan for Gerrard's shoulders because we want him to lift a lot of trophies for Liverpool in the next few years."

LondonJournoTwat: Is Maurenho the best manager in the world?

Rafa: He's one of the best.

LondonJournoTwat: But is he the best?

Rafa: He's one of the best

LondonJournoTwat: But he's not stopped winning.

Rafa: Until tomorrow

LondonJournoTwat: ***speechless***

"If we can't change the player's mentality, we change the player"

"When people talk to me about Gerrard and say he wants to win trophies, I say, 'me too'. I want to win trophies, I am not here to learn English, I am here for winning trophies."

"If we want no criticism then we must work harder to ensure we don't deserve it"

Journo: "Are you wearing your lucky jacket?"

Rafa: "No, it's normal. I have confidence in my team, not my jacket!"

Same interview, same journo: "Do you think the neutrals will be behind Liverpool?"

"Rafa: If we have our own fans it will be enough!"

On the CL Final - "When you get to the final you come here only to win"

Journo: :why did you pick kewell for the final"

Rafa: "A. because he is a good player "

"Just because I've added one more trophy to that list, it doesn't mean my job is done. It's only just started."

"Now my relationship with Steven is good- with my wife it is better!"

"We can win the European Super Cup,we can with the World Club Cup and that gives us more options. "

"You can talk and talk and talk, but only when you see the player training in front of you can you say it is done,"

"I was reading the papers and discovered about Sissoko, I was surprised. The most important thing is to sign the players, not to talk about signing players."

"Maybe if we a score it will be different, and we a score and was different" (after the CL final)

A classic quote I enjoyed was just after the Southampton game (i think?) and we got slated in the press. They were saying that that was our worst performance for 40 years. The next game we won, comfortably but I wouldnt say it was outstanding ... Rafa in the press conference goes ... "That was our best display in 40 years".

"I know being in the top four of the Premiership is very important, but you will never see any club honours list recording an historic fourth place in the Premiership."

Reporter: "how bout michael owen then? "

Rafa: "we have good strikers.(said with that big beaming rafa smile)"

Reporter: "ok so can you clear this up once and for all then rafa, michael owen, is he coming to Anfield ?"

Rafa: "we have good strikers.(said with that big beaming rafa smile)

"In the end, if we win, those people who criticise will change their minds and those who've always been with us will be happiest."

A good one during the pre-match interview on Saturday:
Interviewer: "Where will the liverpool goals come from?"
Rafa: "We have Crouch, Cisse, Garcia, Gerrard, Alonso.... maybe Carra will score from a corner"
Interview: "So you're tipping Carra to score"
Rafa: "Sure, why not?" with that big smile

"People can talk about having a lot of money to buy players but we've just signed a player with a passion and a heart for this club that no amount of money can buy."

"I've never seen a player so happy to be joining a club"

"he likes to talk" when asked to respond to something mourinho had said

'Don't let your heads drop. We're Liverpool. You're playing for Liverpool. Don't forget that. You have to hold your heads high for the supporters. You have to do it for them.

'You can't call yourselves Liverpool players if you have your heads down. If we create a few chances we have the possibility of getting back into this. Believe you can do it and you will. Give yourself the chance to be heroes'

Tribute

Download this fantastic video here (29mb)

Babe of the Day - Pamela David

This is what the Spanish get to see on their version of Match of the Day, while we get Gary Linekar

More pics on The Goose

MOJO has also sent this excellent collection

Australia!

Think it’s paradise? Read this before you emigrate.

Mice?

Want a new mouse for your PC? checkout these interesting designs

Bombay TV

Make your own bollywood action movie within minutes

GOD returns to Anfield

FUCKING GET IN ROBBIE LAD!!!!!

Liverpool have welcomed back their prodigal son to Anfield after last night re-signing Robbie Fowler from Manchester City, the former England striker joining initially until the end of the season with a view to a further year's extension.
The transfer marks a staggering return for the 30-year-old forward, nicknamed "God", who retains an iconic status on the Kop despite leaving the club he had joined as an 11-year-old under something of a cloud in November 2001 after a very public fall-out with the then manager Gérard Houllier. Leeds paid £11m but, much to Merseyside's disbelief, Fowler is now returning on a free transfer.

"It is unbelievable, a dream come true," said Fowler. "I can hardly believe that I am back and it's an incredible feeling. After I'd signed I sat in my car outside Anfield and was incredibly emotional. I know the odds: I have come back on a short-term deal and, after that, it is up to me. I hope I will get the chance to play and, if I do, I will take that chance. I don't see this as the end of my career. I am hungry, as hungry as I have ever been, and I want to show that to everyone. I fully intend to prove that I am worth a new contract."

So great was his desire to return that he has reduced his £35,000-a-week wage package to smooth his departure from City, for whom he had signed for £6m after 14 undistinguished months at Elland Road. Fowler's agent George Scott met Stuart Pearce yesterday and then held talks with the City chief executive Alistair Mackintosh, the pair agreeing to sever ties with six months remaining on his Eastlands deal. Pearce agreed to withdraw Fowler from the squad to play Wigan in the FA Cup fourth round today. "Liverpool are his dream club," said Pearce, who is still interested in Heerenveen's striker Georgios Samaras. "If I'd refused him this opportunity of fulfilling his ambition, it would not have been good for him or City."

His medical will have been carefully scrutinised given that he has had serious knee and hip injuries. His impact at City has been hampered by a fractured disc in his back which restricted him to six minutes as a substitute in the opening five months of the season. His only start this campaign was in the 4-1 FA Cup win against Scunthorpe this month, in which he scored a hat-trick before adding his 27th goal in 92 City appearances in the recent derby success over United.

His reaction to scoring the hosts' third that afternoon was to hold his hand aloft in front of the travelling supporters, the five digits signifying Liverpool's quintet of European Cup wins, a gesture which was hugely appreciated by those on the Kop. Fowler remains a hero figure at Anfield because of his 171 goals in 330 appearances spanning eight years in the first team. That tally left him one short of Kenny Dalglish in Anfield all-time scoring list as the club's sixth-highest goalscorer.

Fowler has made no secret of his desire to return to the club where he made his name. "One of my biggest regrets in football is that in my last match before I left I was taken off at half-time against Sunderland [following Dietmar Hamann's sending off] and never really had a chance to say goodbye," he added. "Now I am getting the chance to do things properly with the fans and it is just such a great feeling. I am here and I am committed to a future at Liverpool. When I left I never really thought I would play for Liverpool again but deep down I've always wanted to come back. Just to put on that red shirt again and walk out will be amazing."

His return represents little risk for either Rafael Benítez or Liverpool. Fowler has the strong support of the club chairman David Moores and could offer Benítez a solution to the nagging profligacy among his current crop of strikers.

"Robbie is a great finisher who can help us reach a new level" said Benítez. "He's one of the best goalscorers ever to play in the Premiership. He's a different kind of striker to what we have and I'm not sure I've ever seen a player quite so happy to be joining a club before."

He will certainly offer the side something they have lacked of late. Peter Crouch and Fernando Morientes have been far from prolific and Djibril Cissé's inconsistency was typified by the France striker's miss from point-blank range against United on Sunday. Cissé was cautioned by police yesterday after assaulting his pregnant wife, Jude, at their Cheshire home to add to his problems.

Fowler, who attended Liverpool's European Cup win in Istanbul as a supporter, is ineligible for tomorrow's FA Cup visit to Portsmouth but could feature against Birmingham in the Premiership on Wednesday and will be available for the Champions League.

Fowler will be joined by Deportivo La Coruña's midfielder Víctor González. The 29-year-old is due arrive for a nominal fee over the weekend on a contract to 2008.

Dominic Fifield, The Guardian

--------------------------------------------------

Robbie Fowler is back at Liverpool, reportedly on loan until the end of the season. The Reds are a little short of strikers, and while it appears Fowler is well past his best, this could be the environment where he rediscovers his 'old' self ... if it still lies within him.

When Rafa said he needed to be inventive this winter, he wasn't lying. Djibril Cissé isn't helping himself off the field at least, with his arrest in the last 24 hours for common assault, and you have to wonder what his future holds; as I said the other day, I haven't given up hope on the current number nine, but I don't see the harm it can do to have one of the club's greatest number nines back at Anfield, as part of the attacking roster.

Of course, it could also end up being a huge anti-climax, but it's not really Liverpool who have anything to lose, given it's a short-term loan deal. It's Fowler, and the regard in which he is held, who is most likely to suffer if things go wrong. In his youth he had comparisons with Ian Rush to contend with; now it will be comparisons with his former self.

Fowler is the finest finisher I've ever seen. I was at Craven Cottage for his first goal for the Reds in 1993, and at Leicester in 2001 for his last, and saw the vast majority in between. So I'm incredibly excited by this news, if fully aware that we are not getting the 21-year-old Fowler, but an altogether different beast.

If the Reds only need a 'finisher' to make the difference, there is none more natural in the game than Fowler; or rather, there was none. Why shouldn't Benítez, with all his own renowned qualities, try to find out if it's still in there? This will without question be the finest side Fowler has ever played in, so he should find chances falling his way. I don't see him being a first choice, but you never know. He would certainly enjoy playing off Peter Crouch.

His leaving Liverpool in October 2001 was a major shock. I remember where I was when I heard the news. But he was also looking far from his best in 2001/02, becoming increasingly peripheral under Gérard Houllier. Having said that, he had contributed 17 goals the season before, many of which were key in securing the Treble and the Champions League spot, and scored a hat-trick at Filbert Street the week before his final appearance in the famous red shirt, when he was ignominiously hauled off at half-time with Liverpool down to ten men against Sunderland.

I never thought I'd see this day. If I'm perfectly honest, I would rather have seen Owen, who still is unquestionably a class act, return if I had to choose between the two former stars. But there's something about the relationship between Liverpool fans and Robbie Fowler that defies a rational explanation. And unlike Owen, there is no massive financial outlay at stake.

Fowler and Liverpool: maybe it is like all those double-acts in history where together a chemistry undoubtedly exists, exceeding the sum of its parts, when apart there is far less to get excited about. Lennon and McCartney are an obvious local example.

Will 'God' only taint the memories we hold so dear? Maybe. But when wearing a red shirt he has an aura, a magic about him, that could lift the players (especially Carra and Gerrard), and certainly lift the fans. In a strange way, it could end up being a masterstroke by Benítez, but that is said in full awareness that it is, first and foremost, a gamble. With Fernando Morientes another class act failing to live up to past glories, it may look even more risky, but there is so little to lose, with no transfer fee involved.

Would Fowler suit Benítez's style of play? Yes. Certainly so at Anfield.

Robbie was at his best when the Reds weren't looking to counter-attack, but played possession football that involved building pressure on the opposition defence. Many of his goals were about reacting first in a crowded penalty area, or finding space in a crowded penalty area. He was not someone who could chase balls over the top, as the Reds increasingly looked to do under Houllier.

He is excellent at linking play, and is an intelligent footballer. As the Reds aim to play intelligent football under Rafa, he therefore has a decent chance of succeeding. He would obviously need to stay fit, and that's something he's had trouble doing for the last eight years, with a succession of often odd collision-based injuries (clattered by Everton keeper, then the hip injury for Leeds) hampering him.

Does he still have the desire and hunger? He's apparently the richest footballer in the country, with more properties than the Queen. He has other priorities in life, with a young family. But maybe he will rediscover his passion, at his spiritual home and without his old manager and assistant manager present.

You know he can handle the pressure of playing in front of the Kop from experience, but this time it'll be different. He was someone who enjoyed the freedom of playing for fun as a kid; as he got older he seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

I'd give it only a 50-50 chance of success, and maybe that's being generous. Class is permanent, but that doesn't mean I'd want to see Kenny Dalglish brought out of retirement. While class is permanent, fitness is not. Having said that, Fowler is only 30, which is still far from being too old, and has been back playing for Man City for a few weeks, so he'll arrive in decent condition.

But even at 50-50, it's a great gamble to take. I'm happy, I'm hopeful, but above all I'm fascinated. We can only hope it proves a success and leads to a permanent deal, but whatever happens, it will be certainly be interesting.

Paul Tomkins

HM Prison Update

Here are two of Australia's finest exports!

Naomi Watts & Holly Valance

Babe of the Day - Naomi Watts

As its Aussie Day today, I've chosen Naomi Watts again for our Babe of the Day. Here's a fantastic gallery of production photos from the set of King Kong featuring this English born Aussie beauty.

Animated Gifs

There's many more on this website

Correspondence with the leaders of the world

Checkout this fella.

'In college I majored in international business and during some boring lectures I scribbled some sort of a letter to the leaders of a handful of countries and dropped it in the mail. I didn't think twice about it until I started receiving photographs and letters from kings, presidents, and prime ministers from around the world.'

Jokes

What do you call 11 millionaires watching the Champions League on TV?

Manchester United.

------------------------------------------

Whats the difference between cornflakes and your mam?

With cornflakes its cockadoodledo, with your mam its anycockledo.

Gender Gap

1. NAMES:

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw ina $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go 4 shopping, to water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. FINAL THOUGHT:

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Basic Instinct 2

Sharon Stone Photos from the set of Basic Instinct 2. Still hot at 48!

Watch Didi's sensational goal

Dietmar Hamann scored a sensational goal for Liverpool Reserves in their 1-0 win at Wolves in a match that also saw Daniel Agger make his Reds debut, and you can now watch the highlights here.

Banner Exchange

I have had a few requests recently for banner exchanges recently, therefore I've just updated a few of my banners, and if you want to exchange yours with me then just leave us your details in the comments, and we'll take it from there. Cheers / Dan.

460x60



60x120



30x80



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200x400

Joke of the Day

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala "Hey! what are you doing?"

The koala says"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says - "Hey you!"

The koala looks down and says:

"Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Babe of the Day - Monica Leigh

Monica Leigh, from Babes of The Goose

Cyber Club Shoots 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 (NOT WORK SAFE)

Movies PLEASE COPY LINK AND OPEN IN A NEW WINDOW

Behind the Scenes
http://rapidshare.de/files/8470184/ML_BTS1_1_.mov.html

Exclusive 1
http://rapidshare.de/files/9257153/monica_EXC1_1_.mov.html

Exclusive 2
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Exclusive 4
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Elisha Cuthbert Video

Well, its actually a sort of montage of some of the best clips from The Girl Next Door - Check it out

First, lets put the manc back in their place

Yes, you won, congratulations, but NO, it doesn't change anything. You are still a club in decline and we are still on our way up. I still believe Liverpool can finish above the Mancs this year, and that next season the title will be a two horse race by January, between Liverpool and Chelsea.

Contrary to what you may think, we did piss all over you in the midfield. If it wasn't for the lack of quality upfront, the game would've been over much earlier.

Here's just a selection of what was written about the match in national newspapers...

The Liverpool revival under Rafael Benitez is every bit as real as United's decline over the past few years. This was a gloriously satisfying victory for United, a reminder of the times when they would routinely score late winners at the Stretford End, but the comparisons with the glory days did not go much farther. Time will tell whether a first defeat in 13 Premiership matches has a deflating effect on a Liverpool team entering their most demanding period of the season, but on the balance of play yesterday, it was hard to escape the conclusion that the second-best team in England were the ones wearing white shirts. Liverpool controlled the game throughout, with Steven Gerrard and Mohammed Sissoko dwarfing the relative pygmies in a makeshift home midfield, but were made to pay the price for retreating fatally when the United rally came, largely courtesy of Rooney and Ryan Giggs.
Oliver Kay
The Times

PRIDE OF THE NORTH WEST? Still Liverpool as far as I am concerned. As they did against Chelsea, Manchester United have nicked a fortunate win against a superior team. Short-term elation for them, but for the long haul, Liverpool look a better bet to finish second come the end of the season. With their two matches in hand, they could rise above United sooner rather than later. Rafael Benitez's men will be pig sick at losing, especially in such a cruel way, but they should take comfort from the knowledge that they were better from back to front. Especially in the midfield, where Mohamed Sissoko, Steven Gerrard and Xabi Alonso ran the show. Committed, tough-tackling with a mean streak, they break up the play and ease the pressure on the defence. United's midfield is nowhere near as effective. It also struck me how tall Liverpool's players are. That can only make the team more intimidating.
Tony Cascarino
The Times

This report should say United ambushed their biggest enemy, then declared war on Jose Mourinho's men, marching down the M6 with battle standard raised. Today Liverpool, tomorrow the world. But it didn't feel that way. It looked liker a desperate header from a centre half rescuing the club from creeping mediocrity. It was a result that told a fib. They won the struggle to be regarded as the second best team in England, but failed to win the wider battle for hearts and minds. The few remaining players who still have class of '92 running through them like a stick of rock aren't blind to the drop in standards. When Liverpool's fine run of victories and a draw in 12 Premiership outings was finally stopped, Gary Neville patented a Mancunian haka in front of the visitors' end – grabbing his shorts and kissing his badge like an especially truculent All Black. Watch this here (less than 1mb)
Paul Hayward
The Daily Mail

United had been forced to endure far more than Liverpool in just about every respect until the last few minutes of a tense, enthralling but largely uneventful encounter. The European champions had enjoyed the majority of possession, had dominated midfield and created the better of the chances. Sadly for those hoping to see a side put pressure on Chelsea, the wrong side secured victory. Had Liverpool beaten their great rivals and they won their two games in hand, they would have been seven points adrift of the premiership leaders. As it is, and only someone as determined as Gerrard may refuse to accept this, the chance to catch Jose Mourinho's side has now gone.
Matt Lawton
Daily Mail

Liverpool can be proud of the way they went about their business. It was a tight game but Liverpool were the better side. United were wounded after their defeat in the derby match last week so for Liverpool to go to Old Trafford and do so well is a great tribute to them. I still think in the general scheme of things Liverpool are in a better position than United, even though they lost yesterday. If you were a Liverpool fan you would be unhappy with the result but happy with the performance and you could see that at the end as United players celebrated as though they had won the Cup final.
Alan Hansen
The Daily Telegraph

Manchester United remain second in the Premiership and the great symbolic shift in the power structure of English football was put on hold, at least until Liverpool play their two games in hand. Meanwhile, Rafael Benitez had to join Jose Mourinho in contemplating the dismantling here of an unbeaten run without having any real evidence to help him understand how it happened. Liverpool should have won this game. For most of it they had more possession, more chances and a little more purpose. This was not a match imprinted with the usual classic qualities of these two snarling sets of rivals. Yet that too might offer a pointer to the way that Benitez is reeling in United and preparing them to take over the mantle of Chelsea's most serious challengers. He is doing it gradually, methodically, without any big, symbolic statements of intent against the other battalions of the Big Four. You left Old Trafford yesterday with the impression that United might only stem the tide of the sea change for a little while longer.
John Dillon
Daily Express

Liverpool were left as frustrated as much as angry because they had held the upper hand for much of the game and squandered the clearest chance of all. But Ferdinand's goal came so late there was no time for Rafa Benitez's side to retrieve their unbeaten league record that had stretched back 12 matches to the defeat at Fulham in October. United were far from convincing but they produced the sweat, passion and determination that was lacking in the Manchester derby defeat. The fact United took 87 minutes to force their first corner underlined Liverpool's relative comfort.
Richard Tanner
Daily Express

Liverpool made their hosts suffer in the first half, mostly by doing the simple things with passable efficiency. For long spells United could not even manage that. In the centre of Benitez's midfield, Mohamed Sissoko and Xabi Alonso were producing exactly the combination of strength and deliberation that United lacked. For those 45 minutes the three Glazer brothers, watching from the directors' box, must have been wondering why their new team had no quarterback to direct the play and get the forwards moving. And if the Premiership kept pass-completion statistics, United would surely have been establishing a new all-comers' low for the season.
Richard Williams
The Guardian

In the wider development of United and Liverpool and the struggle to establish themselves as Chelsea's principle challengers - it is impossible not to feel that, for long periods of time in this game, Benitez's team looked far healthier. Wayne Rooney refused to accept that Liverpool had come along to announce that his team had slipped down another rank in the pecking order of English football's aristocracy. That, though might well have been the reality but for United's late strike. The truth was that Liverpool for most of the time did look much more the coherent force. They covered the ground and generally looked the more confident side. Benitez has made extraordinary progress at Anfield but he is still a long way from settling on a strike force of genuine conviction.
Sam Wallace
The independent

Three cheers for the...

Cheerleaders Gallery from THE GOOSE

A tale of two cows!

DUBAI:

You have two cows.
You create a website for them and advertise them in all the magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legit and shady investors who hope to resale the nonexistent milk for a 100% profit in two years time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cow first to attract attention.

QATAR:

You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realized that cows could produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing; you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.

SAUDI:

Since milking the cow involves nipples the Gov't decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other or to hire females and train them to milk the cows ... the debate is still going on.

BAHRAIN:

You have two cows. Some high Gov't official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The Gov't tells you that there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the Gov't and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 month, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to all milk the cow at the same time and so cutting back on unemployment.

LEBANON:

You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by Hizbollah.

EGYPTIAN:

You have two cows. Both are voting for Mobarak!

AMERICAN:

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

FRENCH:

You have two cows. You go on strike because you wanted three cows.

RUSSIAN:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

BRITISH:

You have two cows. Both are mad.

AUSTRALIAN:

You have two cows. You give one to the Americans and one to the British and you go back to shagging sheep!

For the filthy rich

It is one of the largest contemporary construction projects in the world, covering an area of 260 hectares, about the size of London's Hyde Park. Currently under construction in Dubai, Hydropolis is the world's first luxury underwater hotel.

Bin Laden's Return

An interesting letter

AFTER a year of silence, Osama bin Laden has filled the world’s headlines with an audiotape, and the predictable opinions are being heard. Is his offering of a truce a sign of weakness or strength? Is he making such statements because he is harried or is the statement a result of the recent US missile attack in Pakistan? All of these questions are to be expected from a media that has usually asked: Is he really alive? Where is he? It rarely asks: What did he say/mean?

Bin Laden’s public statements — which have almost never been aired in full length on the US mainstream media — have been made primarily based on his religious/ideological considerations. He has consistently justified Al Qaeda’s actions and those of other jihadi groups as a defensive struggle against western encroachment on Islamic societies and the “apostate” regimes currently ruling Muslim countries. Moreover, he has consistently elaborated basic themes: one-sided US support for Israel at the expense of the Palestinians; US historical and current support for Muslim regimes such as the one governing Saudi Arabia; the West’s pilfering of Muslims’ natural resources, especially oil; and the West’s cultural, political, and military attack on Muslims worldwide.

After the 9/11 attacks in New York City and Washington, D.C., Al Qaeda was criticized by those within its own ideological persuasion — not for having attacked the US but for not having followed correct religious procedures. It had failed to get the proper religious/legal rulings in support of such an attack; had not warned Muslims, women, children, and innocent civilians; and had not made an offer of peaceful resolution before attacking.

As of today, all of these conditions have been fulfilled with respect to the next attack in the US. Religious rulings have been obtained, warnings have been issued, and offers of a peaceful resolution — to accept a truce if the US offers one — have been made. In bin Laden’s mind, and in the minds of like-minded jihadis, all the preconditions have been met for directly attacking the United States. This is the real meaning of the audiotape.

BRAD K. BERNER
Phoenix, Arizona

The BIGGEST game in English Football?

About to start in a few minutes,

Liverpool:
Reina
Finnan
Carragher
Hyypia
Riise
Gerrard
Sissoko
Alonso
Kewell
Cisse
Crouch

Subs -
Dudek
Kromkamp
Pongolle
Morientes
Traore

Lets spank their Manc arses 3-0 back to texas!

Let me tell you the story of a poor boy
Who was sent far away from his home
To fight for his king and his country
And also the old folks back home

So they put him in a Highland division
Sent him off to a far foreign land
Where the flies swarm around in their thousands
And there's nothing to see but the sands

In a battle that started next morning
Under an Arabian sun
I remember that poor Scouser Tommy
Who was shot by an old Nazi gun

As he lay on the battle field dying dying dying
With the blood gushing out of his head (of his head)
As he lay on the battle field dying dying dying
These were the last words he said...

Oh... I am a Liverpudlian
I come from the Spion Kop
I like to sing, I like to shout
I go there quite a lot (every week)

We support the team that's dressed in Red
A team that we all know
A team that we call Liverpool
And to glory we will go

We've won the League, we've won the Cup
We've been to Europe too
We played the Toffees for a laugh
And we left them feeling blue - Five Nil!

One two
One two three
One two three four
Five nil!

Rush scored one
Rush scored two
Rush scored three
And Rush scored four!

-----------------------------------------------------

Here's a song about a football team
The greatest team you've ever seen
A team that play total Football
They've won the league, Europe and all.

A Liverbird upon my chest
We are the men, of Shankly's best
A team that plays the Liverpool way
And wins the championship in May

With Kenny Dalglish on the ball
He was the greatest of them all
And Ian Rush, four goals or two
Left Evertonians feeling blue

A Liverbird upon my chest
We are the men, of Shankly's best
A team that plays the Liverpool way
And wins the championship in May

Now if you go down Goodison Way
Hard luck stories you hear each day
There's not a trophy to be seen
'Cos Liverpool have swept them clean

A Liverbird upon my chest
We are the men, of Shankly's best
A team that plays the Liverpool way
And wins the championship in May

Now on the glorious 10th of May
There's laughing reds on Wembley Way
We're full of smiles and joy and glee
It's Everton 1 and Liverpool 3

A Liverbird upon my chest
We are the men, of Shankly's best
A team that plays the Liverpool way
And wins the championship in May

Now on the 20th of May
We're laughing still on Wembley Way
Those Evertonians are feeling blue
It's Liverpool 3 and Everton 2

A Liverbird upon my chest
We are the men, of Shankly's best
A team that plays the Liverpool way
And wins the championship in May

And as we sang round Goodison Park
With crying blues all in a nark
They're probably crying still
at Liverpool 5 and Everton nil.

A Liverbird upon my chest
We are the men, of Shankly's best
A team that plays the Liverpool way
And wins the championship in May

We Remember them with pride
Those mighty reds of Shankly's side
And Kenny's boys of '88
There's never been a side so great

A Liverbird upon my chest
We are the men, of Shankly's best
A team that plays the Liverpool way
And wins the championship in May

Now back in 1965
When great Bill Shankly was alive
We're playing Leeds, the score's 1-1
When it fell to the head of Ian St John

A Liverbird upon my chest
We are the men, of Shankly's best
A team that plays the Liverpool way
And wins the championship in May

On April 15th '89
What should have been a joyous time
Ninety six Friends, we all shall miss
And all the Kopites want justice (JUSTICE)