Saturday, March 18, 2006

Babe of the Day: Shawnee Smith

Angelina Jolie is Lesbian's Favourite

Angelina Jolie is the woman most lesbians want to have sex with. [via]

The stunning brunette has been voted the ultimate girl-on-girl fantasy, by readers of gay magazine Diva.

The full Top 10 are:

1. Angelina Jolie
2. Portia De Rossi
3. Gina Gershon
4. Sharon Stone
5. Jodie Foster
6. Queen Latifah
7. Halle Berry
8. Charlize Theron
9. Salma Hayek
10. Drew Barrymore

Pit Babes

Dear Alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you’re even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1) Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2) Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie & some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquick & topped off with a Kit-Kat all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3) Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4) Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don’t like when I’m sober? Yet suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?

5) Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I do actually know that person. Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I’m with you & why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??

6) Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely inacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan.

Jessica Alba's Arse

Best Pranks Ever on April Fool's Day

Google, in 10 years...

Adriana Lima <-- Now with the GQ Photoshoot

Virtual Girlfriend

Some genius has come up with the idea of a virtual girlfriend for all of the computer geeks out there. I can't actually access the site as Etisalat, the local ISP has it on block. Apparently she actually does what you tell her to.

Anyone spot this banner on Wednesday?

Seemed to have worked wonders for our strikers.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Babe of the Day: Brooke Burke

Brooke Burke

Thanks to 2 Mars Bars for sending in this brilliant Wallpaper

Why do men have nipples?

- Can you lose a contact lense in the back of your head?
- Does wet or cold weather cause a cold?
- Is it dangerous to hold in a sneeze?
- Is there really a wrinkle cure?
- Does spicy food cause ulcers?
- Why do some people have an 'outie' belly button and some people have an 'innie'?
- Is it dangerous to pop spots?
- Does cranberry juice cure urinary tract infections?
- Why do you laugh when tickled?

All of these questions answered
Stolen From
The Convict

Compare and Contrast

One's in Stockholm, the other's in Newcastle

Convict has more

45 embarrassing sex questions (For Her)

The British aren't exactly known for talking openly about their sex lives. Problems fester and small sexual queries can spiral into huge dilemmas. If you're feeling puzzled or worried about sex, be assured that you are not alone. Sex experts Dr Patti Britton and Susan Quilliam are far from shy and have advised on the steamiest of secrets. Read the answers to all the questions you've never dared to ask:

The big 'O'

- I've
never had an orgasm
- What is
an orgasm?
- Is there such a thing as a
missed orgasm?
- Can
women ejaculate?
- Orgasms make me


He's got a
weeny penis
His penis is too big!
He doesn't
want sex
addicted to sex
I caught him
versus uncircumcised
Finding his

Your body and sex

No hair
down there
My vagina is
What to do about
intimate odours?
The benefits of
pelvic floors
What is a
hooded clitoris?

Oral sex

I can't
Is oral sex
Equal time for oral sex
Oral sex
makes me ill

Bedroom secrets

My husband is
silent in bed
No sex for
eight years
My husband is avoiding sex
He's a
one-minute man
He wants
anal sex!

Sexual arousal

The pleasures of
Never touched myself
Is non-stop
pleasure normal?
Where exactly is the '
Sex drive

I can't get aroused
takes too long
Can chemistry be created?
Dealing with
different libidos
Exhausted by
marathon sex
Health matters
Post-hysterectomy and no sex drive
Will anti-depressants
affect my sex drive?
Is sex during pregnancy safe?
De-stress and have better sex
vaginal dryness
Sexual confidence

The New Lara Croft

Last month I introduced you to Karima Adebibe, the new Lara Croft model. And from what my sources tell me, all my comic book and gamer fans are still having problems walking today. So here’s a new set of pictures that should put you out for another month.

69 Incredible Sex Techniques!

Sex basics

1. Make him stay at the shallow end to make sex better for you. US sex gurus Masters and Johnson found that the outer third of the vagina is the most sensitive, so deep thrusting isn't essential. Have him 'dip' the tip of his penis into your vagina - it'll feel great for both of you.

2. Spice up your sex life by doing it in the cupboard under the stairs - seriously. Novelty is an intense aphrodisiac, and any unusual setting with strange sensations, smells and muffled sounds, will make sex feel new, upping the excitement.

3. Have your man sit on top of the washing machine while you have sex (you perched on top, with your legs wrapped around his waist). The vibrations carry through his penis, turning it into a wonderful vibrator.

4. Select the cottons cycle for the best results. It's a warm wash so his bum won't get cold, plus it has the longest, fastest spin. Feel those good vibrations.

5. By placing a pillow under your bottom you're creating an orgasm optimum 26-degree pelvic tilt, which means maximum contact between his body and your clitoris. This way you'll reach orgasm every time.

6. Go red. Colours create a sexy mood. Red, dark blue and violet are the three most erotic colours. And the least erotic? Grey.

7. Sex in the bath is fun but can be tricky. Try this: fill the bath halfway with water, then pour plenty of bath gel over each other's bodies. With your man lying down in the bath, lie on top of him and, instead of going for pentrative sex, stimulate each other to climax by rubbing your body on his.

8. Good vibrations. Take turns with the TongueJoy Oral Vibrator (from Strapped to your tongue, the vibrations stimulate nerve endings like you've never felt before.

9. Play Twister. Nude. And wet. It removes inhibitions and gets you in positions you wouldn't usually attempt.

10. Don't go solo with your vibrator. Only 25% of women climax through penetrative sex alone, so get your man to pleasure you with a sex toy while he's at it.

11. Ask him to talk to you when he's going down on you. The vibrations from his voice and the unpredictability of it will make you come even quicker.

12. Feed your man cinnamon, cardamom, peppermint and lemon if you're planning to give him oral pleasure. It'll make his semen taste nicer.

13. And don't let him near garlic, onions, curry or asparagus - all these foods will make his semen taste unpleasant.

14. Convince him to buy you more jewellery by masturbating him with a string of pearls. Use lots of lubrication, then wrap the pearls around the shaft of his penis, slowly stroking them up and down. They'll add different levels of stimulation to the experience.

15. Ask him to use his nose when he's going down on you. Most men genuinely love the smell of a woman and the nose makes an excellent clitoral stimulator. (Now you know why some women love men with big noses!)

16. If you enjoy outdoor sex, try this: take a drive to the country, open the car's sunroof and perch yourself on the edge of it, with your legs dangling down inside. Now have your man - who is still inside the car - lick you to orgasm. If anyone should pass by, you'll simply look like you're sunbathing and, once you're done, it's his turn.

17. Have sex on a swivel chair to make sex really exciting. 'The spinning sends fluid rushing around the balance mechanism in your inner ear,' says Men's Health medical editor Dr Keith Hopcroft, and this disorientation makes you feel like you're floating. Get ready to land on Cloud 9.

Sexual positions

18. Make your man feel bigger inside you by placing your legs over his shoulders when having sex in the missionary position. Doing this shortens your vaginal canal, so he'll feel much longer.

19. Lie face-down on the bed and invite your man to lie on top of you, keeping his legs outside yours. The squeeze of your thighs on his penis will intensify sensation for him and for you.

20. Sit on top of him with your feet tucked in tight either side of his bum. Now lean back as though you were riding a bucking bronco and enjoy the extra stimulation on the front wall of your vagina - an incredibly sensitive spot.

21. Make doggy style work for you. Kneel on the edge of the bed and put your face and upper chest on the mattress, so you create a 'slide' with your back. This steep angle elongates the vaginal barrel, squeezing his penis. Plus you can enjoy the added stimulation on your nipples from the mattress!

22. Get extra clitoral stimulation in the classic 'spoons' position with a simple body twist. Lying on your left sides, place your right leg over the top of his and your left leg between his. Now position yourself so you're almost flat on your back. Grip his right leg and grind away - this is a sure-fire route to orgasm for you.

Food of love

23. Make oral sex better for you and for him with some ice cream. But don't just spoon it on - buy an ice cream cone, bite off the end and slip it over his still-soft penis. Now add the ice cream and take your time nibbling and licking until he's so hard that he breaks out of the cone! Who ever said ice cream was just for kids.

24. Use ice-cream topping to supercharge your sex: you get to choose where you get licked by painting numbers on yourselves. Simply start at number one, and lick your way through to 69.

25. Chill some grapes in the freezer for at least 20 minutes. Use them to trace shapes on each other's bodies - the cold, wet sensation will send shivers up your spines.

26. Peel two thirds of a reasonably sized cucumber (make it organic, you don't want pesticides on your skin), and leave in the freezer for 40 minutes. Have your man rub it over your breasts and inner thighs, and use it to stimulate his nipples and testicles. Just watch as his very own 'cucumber' stands to attention!

27. Forget unwieldy ice cubes for adding sensation to oral sex - pop a mouthful of frozen berries or tropical fruits in your mouth instead. They taste great and are a lot easier to hold in your mouth while he's in your mouth.

28. Take turns pouring minty alcohol into your belly buttons, dipping your tongues and tracing shapes around each other's bodies. Now gently blow to increase evaporation, which will add to the stimulation. Hopefully before you're both the wrong side of squiffy and a funny shade of green.

29. Forget the old sex and chocolate recommendations - cheese contains more phenylethylamine, the chemical that gives you that chocolate 'high'. So order a cheese platter after dinner and see if doesn't get you both in the mood.

30. If you still prefer chocolate, make it plain rather than milk. The dark stuff has a much higher cocoa solids content (and therefore more feel-good chemicals).

31. To get him ready for sex in the morning, make him cereal with chopped apple and almonds - both have high levels of phenylethylamine, which will help get him in the mood.

32. Eat avocado to get in the mood for love. It's loaded with the feel-good, pleasure-intensifying substance, phenylethylamine.

33. Take a swig of champagne before going down on him. Keep it in your mouths by creating a 'seal' with your lips, then use your tongues to swirl the bubbles around the head of his penis. Nerve endings react to the bubbles, heightening sensation, and when he's suitably satisfied he can do the same for you.

34. Most people know that mints can make oral sex even better (and is handy for freshening breath, too), but did you know that M&S's Curiously Strong Mints are your best choice? 'They contain peppermint oil, which has a higher content of menthol than spearmint, making them zingier in your mouth,' says clinical nutritionist Farah Mohamed. And on your private parts.

Fire up your foreplay

35. Don't be too gentle when you're giving him a helping hand. Although you must never bend an erect penis (it can break), you do need to apply a fair amount of force when masturbating him - particularly when he's about to come. If you're still in doubt, try masturbating in front of each other - you'll both be turned on and will get to see how it's done.

36. Men do love the sensation of their penis deep inside your throat. Why? Because there are so many more nerve endings at the penis tip and, when it rubs on the back of your throat, it feels great. So, to get more of him inside you, try doing it with him standing and you kneeling so your chin is raised, elongating your throat.

37. If deep throat makes you gag, just use your hands. Use your lips to move up and down his shaft and form an 'okay' sign with your fingers, following your lips' movement. This is the surest route to a mind-blowing orgasm for him.

38. Licking his penis like a lollipop is fine for foreplay but, if you're trying to get him to orgasm, he needs some friction. Form your lips in a tight 'O' shape (covering your teeth), so that as you move up and down his shaft the foreskin moves too, and make an effort to stimulate the head of his penis with the flat of your tongue as you come up. Get this trick right and he'll be more than happy to give you the tongue tickling you deserve too.

39. Don't get stuck on sucking him - there's nothing worse for a man than if a woman is 'working' too hard when giving fellatio. Relax, try to enjoy it, explore his penis with your tongue, lips and hands - don't head-bob for hours on end in the hope that he'll come soon. He'll come a lot quicker if it feels like you're enjoying it.

40. Sing to him while you give him oral pleasure. The lower the notes the more vibrations he'll feel and, believe us, he won't care if you're in tune or not - it'll feel great.

41. Explore his nether regions more fully. Many men don't even realise how pleasurable anal stimulation can be until some adventurous explorer shows them how. Use loads of lubricant (you can't have too much) and place your finger over his anus, initially stimulating it without penetrating. Once he's comfortable you can edge your finger in slowly, and when it's in an inch or so in, wiggle your finger in a 'come hither' motion. This stimulates his prostate gland, and you'll be surprised at how much he loves it.

42. Watch porn. A recent poll undertaken by The Mirror newspaper found that women are just as aroused by watching erotic films as men. So get cosy on the sofa and stick on a video - we recommend starting with a film like 9 and a Half Weeks or Emmanuelle.

Sexy beast

43. Go ape to improve your sex life. Gorillas may have tiny penises (less than 3cm long) but they make up for it with hours of arousing mutual grooming. Doing this releases pleasure-inducing brain chemicals and makes great foreplay. Have your man wash your hair or ask him to rub your body lotion in. Or offer to scrub his back while he's in the bath. Who said sex had to be dirty?

44. Seals bite each other during sex and it seems there's good reason for it. 'Gentle biting brings blood to the surface of the skin,' says sex expert Petra Boynton, 'making it more sensitive to touch.' Your reactions to each kiss or caress will be intensified, making you both come more quickly.

45. But avoid biting like a mink. These furry creatures also enjoy a good nibble but, sometimes, the males get it wrong and accidentally pierce the female's brain, killing her. Use a code word during sex to indicate that something is hurting or unpleasurable. Choose a word that you wouldn't normally say during sex, such as Coventry for example.

46. Tease your man into training by telling him about the male giant water bug. This unfeasibly energetic aquatic critter goes at it for 36 hours - non-stop! Persuade him to do at least three 30-minute sessions of rowing, cycling or running a week - he'll soon be winning gold in the sexual Olympics too.

Real-life male talk

47. 'When my girlfriend's on top, she sometimes does this extra-special move: instead of moving up and down, she does a figure-of-eight swivel with her hips. It really works for me.'

48. 'I met this Croatian girl last year who kept a bottle of vodka in the freezer. When we had sex, she'd drink some, then lick my nipples and my neck, lightly blowing on the area afterwards. Amazing.'

49. 'I love it when a girl stimulates me with her hands while she's standing behind me. Not being able to see her makes it feel naughty, plus it rids her of any inhibitions.'

50. 'There's nothing better than having a girl wrap her legs around you, locking her ankles together. That way she's got leverage to push back at you with every thrust.'

51. 'I just love it when a girl keeps some of her clothes on during sex - skirt, shirt or, better still, boots or stilettos. It makes it feel illicit - and so arousing.'

52. 'My girlfriend loves going down on me while I'm still soft. It really turns her on to think that she can make me hard with a few flicks and twists of her tongue. And it feels great to get hard in her mouth.'

53. 'After my partner had our second child, she did pelvic exercises using the Pelvicisor (£49.99 from to strengthen her vaginal muscles. A few months later, the sex was better than ever.'

54. 'The best oral sex involves more than a mouth and tongue. If a girl uses her hands and feels my abs or my bum while she's going down on me, it gives me the strongest orgasm.'

55. 'My wife's just had a baby, so sex feels different now. But she's developed this great new trick: she slips her hand down between us, with two fingers either side of the base of my penis. The extra friction makes me come really easily and the pressure on her clitoris makes her orgasm too.'

56. 'Penetration isn't essential for a great orgasm. An ex-girlfriend of mine used to sit on top of me, with my penis flattened against my stomach. Then she'd slide herself up and down the shaft without letting it go inside her. If I shut my eyes it felt exactly like a mouth.'

57. 'My girlfriend ties a stocking around the base of my penis before it's erect. Then she licks me till I'm hard. She keeps licking and sucking, but when she senses I'm about to come, she pulls the stocking a little tighter, loosening it again when the moment's passed. When I finally do come, it's really powerful.'

58. 'I get embarrassed by the idea of my wife tying me up, but sometimes she simply holds me down by the wrists. It's great feeling like I'm at her mercy but without the silly props.'

59. 'When performing oral sex, put your tongue inside her vagina and move it around before taking it out, and licking upwards, kissing and gently sucking the clitoris as you go'.

60. 'We've got a mirror in the wardrobe next to our bed, and I just love it when my girlfriend's on top with her back diagonally on to it. I get to watch the action from behind and the front! Better than any porn film.'

61. 'When I go down on my girlfriend she lies on her side with one foot flat on the bed and her knee bent, and I lick her side-on, rather than lengthways. I find it much easier to get to her clitoris, and once I'm done she's more than happy to return the favour.'

62. 'My girlfriend and I cover ourselves in baby oil, then once I'm inside her she lies flat on top of me. The full-body contact as she slides up and down feels phenomenal.'

Girl's talk about sex

63. 'When my partner goes down on me I love him to do a "come here" signal very slowly with two fingers inside me, especially if he's gently licking my clit at the same time.'

64. 'Set the scene by dressing-up in sexy underwear, light candles and put on some soft background music. Answer the door wearing a bathrobe and, once the door is closed, reveal what's beneath the robe"

65. 'My partner and I like it if, during foreplay, I masturbate him to the point of climax and then move straight on to sex. This makes him last longer, without making him sore from too much penetrative sex'.

66. I get great clitoral stimulation when my partner lies on top and slightly to the side so I have one leg up slightly and bent, and the other flat. Instead of him just moving in and out, he also grinds, rubbing against me as I lift up and into him.

67. Dare to go bare with a Brazilian wax. 'At first I felt a bit naked, but my boyfriend was so turned on that it made me feel sexier. Plus, having no hair down there makes that area extra sensitive'.

68. 'Ban your hands! Explore each other's bodies with your nose, tongue, lips, hair, knees, toes - you'll be amazed at how sensational it feels.'

69. Pick your favourite bits from this article and read out some of the suggestions to your partner. Ask him what he thinks - it's a subtle but effective way to kick-start frank discussion about your fantasies.

Reds go goal crazy!!!

GOD's back!

Great game of football last night - The scoreline probably doesn't do justice to the way Fulham played - constantly causing problems to the liverpool back four (to be honest, can't expect much else with Traore in the lineup) and not letting the Liverpool midfield keep posession, more so in the second half. They were unlucky with a header straight into the goal post with the score on 2-1 - a bit of luck there would've possible changed the game.

For Liverpool, it was the night all the strikers had been waiting for. Fowler looked sharp (and slimmer) throughout the night. I know we can't expect him to be back to how he used to be for us, but anything close to the same form would be excellent. The Anfield crowd wasn't too happy when he was taken off, as Rafa chose to leave Morientes on - his faith being paid off immediately by the Spanish international. I would've loved to see Cisse get a goal. He's not had a fair chance and if he's sold this summer, it'll leave a bad taste in the mouth. He's a brilliant talent and eversince that horrible injury, he hasn't really featured in the first time consistently enough to make an impact and get back to the form that made him famous accross Europe.

Anyway, lets hope this trend continues. Here are the goals if you haven't seen them.


Liverpool 1 - 0 Fulham
Liverpool 1 - 1 Fulham
Liverpool 2 - 1 Fulham
Liverpool 3 - 1 Fulham
Liverpool 4 - 1 Fulham
Liverpool 5 - 1 Fulham

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Babe of the Day: Roxanne Pallett

How tall are you?

Compare your height with famous people's heights.

Can I rape you later?

New laws have come into effect in Britain, whereby you would have to get a YES from a girl before taking her to your place. And yes, that does the woman will actively have to say 'YES' to sex.

I was thinking along the lines of:

"would you consent to sexual activity later on in the evening?"

But it looks like the government would like the public to be even more specific:

"Excuse me, I know you've only just got to the the party and I haven't spoken to you before, but I was hoping I might be able to engage in sexual activity with you later. Would you consent to some heavy petting, where I will doubtless give you a drunken fingering, followed by you performing oral sex on my erect penis and possibly me returning the favour by using my tongue to stimulate your clitoris. Following that I would like to insert my swollen porksword into your moistened and welcoming vagina and thrust it back and forth until I ejaculate semen into your receptive canal. Would you consent to that? Can I get your signature on this piece of paper?"

Ten things that have shaped the season

From Chelsea spending £45m on two players in the summer to Sunderland sticking with Mick when all around them was crumbling - Football365 picks the ten things that have shaped this Premiership season...

1) Arsenal's Defensive Crisis
At one juncture in February Arsenal had Lauren, Sol Campbell, Ashley Cole, Gael Clichy, Pascal Cygan, Kerrea Gilbert, Kolo Toure and Emmanuel Eboue all unavailable through injury or African Nations duty. For the Highbury clash with Bolton, the defence was Mathieu Flamini, Johan Djourou, Philippe Senderos and Sebastian Larsson. The amazing thing is that they only conceded one goal that day.

That was the low point, but throughout the season Arsenal have been plagued with injuries to their first-choice right-back and their two leading left-backs, as well as one half of their central defensive pairing. Even the staunchest anti-Gunner would struggle to argue that, with a fully-fit squad, Arsenal would not be chasing second rather than fourth.

2) Chelsea's Summer Business
In July and August of 2005, Chelsea spent over £45m on two players, and in those two deals, they ensured that they would retain the Premiership title. Not because Michael Essien and Shaun Wright-Phillips have made such massive contributions to the Blues' title assault, but because with those piles of money they ensured that nobody else could get close.

Essien could have been a ManYoo player at two-thirds of the price, while SWP would have been in the red shirt of Arsenal or Liverpool at a fraction of his exorbitant fee. But Chelsea employed classic spoiling tactics and ensured that any top-class player with the desire to play in the Premiership would have to eschew massive sums of money to turn down Chelsea and go somewhere else instead. Unlikely.

3) Toffees Stick With Moyes
By October 26 2005 Everton were already out of three cup competitions and had amassed just one win (and two goals) from their first nine Premiership games of the season - a start guaranteed to make the most cautious chairman reach for his manager's P45. But not Bill Kenwright, who believed that the manager who took them to fourth in the Premiership the year before could not become a bad boss overnight.

Kenwright said this week: "I never thought it wouldn't be okay because of what David is like. He did predict a top-ten finish when the soothsayers were saying relegation. I never thought it was optimistic because I know the man." He knew and he was right - the Scot is now on course to steer Everton to a top-ten finish.

4) Liverpool Don't Pay For Owen
Newcastle did make it pretty damned impossible by offering Real Madrid £16m for Little Mickey, which was far too rich for the Reds' blood. They instead opted for the cheaper, taller, less potent Peter Crouch to form a three-man strikeforce along with Fernando Morientes and Djibril Cisse.

We don't know whether Owen would have stayed injury-free at Liverpool, but what we do know is that Premiership tallies for Crouch (4) Cisse (4) and Morientes (3) mean that the Reds are woefully short of goals and are likely to lose the battle for second as well as the already-lost battle for a European quarter-final place. What if...

5) Newcastle Shunting Souness
Not before time, Newcastle chairman Freddie Shepherd (the antithesis to Kenwright) lost patience with Graeme Souness - the man who spent £8m on Jean-Alain Boumsong, the man who fell out with two of his star players (one of whom cost £10m, was released on a free and is now preparing for a Champions League quarter-final with Barcelona), the man who blamed every single defeat on Lady Luck.

Sunday's mauling by ManYoo aside, Souness' sacking has saved the Toon season, with Glenn Roeder's side unbeaten in six games before that clash. Newcastle are now in a battle for a top-half finish rather than a fight against relegation. Shepherd does not always get decisions right, but this move was the right move at the right time.

6) Keane Leaving ManYoo
Talk at the beginning of the season was of ManYoo's lack of a natural successor to Roy Keane. Little did we all know that the vacuum would be created sooner rather than later after the Irishman's (completely understandable) comments about his poor teammates' performance during their 4-1 capitulation to Middlesbrough would make a stay at Old Trafford untenable.

So since then ManYoo fans have been treated to the sight of Alan Smith, Darren Fletcher, Kieran Richardson, Rio Ferdinand and Ryan Giggs playing in the centre of their midfield. We're not saying Keane's presence would have seen them mount a title challenge, or even stay in Europe, but as 'things that shaped the season' go, it doesn't get much bigger than the acrimonious departure of your captain.

7) Wigan And West Ham's Fearlessness
If anyone wants to claim that they predicted that the newly-promoted Hammers and Latics would both be in the top ten at this point in the season, F365 will show you a bare-faced liar. One of them maybe, but both? Never. What do they have in common? Fearlessness and forward-thinking, that's what.

Both teams have gone into every game believing that victory was possible, and refusing to resort to the damage-limitation tactics of other potential strugglers. They both have inventive young managers who know that the best form of defence is attack, who both invested in pace during the summer while Sunderland opted for the safe and the slow.

And thus a blueprint for survival was born.

8) Sunderland Stick With Mick
At what point did you know that Sunderland would not survive this season? After the first game? After the first month? After the first dozen defeats? So when did Sunderland sack their manager? In March, after they had won just ten points from 28 games, of course.

The timing was odd to say the least. Why not get rid of him at Christmas to give the mew manager half a chance of a survival battle? McCarthy is no Moyes - he has no track record in Premiership management, there's no reason to trust that he had a grand plan that was not reflected in results. As Mick himself would say, it was p***-poor.

9) Spurs Scattergun Transfer Policy
The tactic: Buy every young player (preferably English) who's not ridiculously over-priced and hope that roughly half of them will be ready now, while the rest are shipped out on loan. So for every Aaron Lennon, there's a Wayne Routledge, and for every Michael Dawson there's a Tom Huddlestone. Mix in some serious experience in the form of Edgar Davids and Danny Murphy, and you have a recipe for a possible top-four finish.

Martin Jol has a very clear idea in his head about the direction in which Tottenham should move, with the emphasis firmly on young and British. Of course, we still can't explain Jermaine Jenas, but then we fear that question may trouble us until the day we die...

10) The Pompey Farce
By bringing back the loathsome Harry Redknapp, Milan Mandaric has achieved two things - Pompey have become the neutrals' favourite for relegation and they now have one of the most bloated squads in the Premiership. What he is unlikely to achieve is survival.

However farcical Redknapp's defection to Southampton was ('would I ever go down the road? Never'), it was beaten by his return to Fratton Park, with him and Mandaric putting their public slanging match behind them to unite for the Portsmouth cause. And then they bought Benjani for £4.1m and the rest of us laughed.

By Sarah Winterburn

Link of the Day

Carlsberg don't do defenders, but if they did...

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Game of the Day: Slap That Ho!

Slap the sass outta that bitch. The harder, the better! I managed 360 mph!


Childish Mourinho gets it right at last: the devil's in the detail

Jose Mourinho never spoke a truer word than when he claimed, after Chelsea's exit from the Champions League in Barcelona, that at the highest level of football details can make a big difference.

What he meant - and he reiterated the view in his programme notes yesterday - was that the detail of Asier del Horno being incorrectly sent off in the first leg had handicapped Chelsea unfairly and effectively cost them the tie. Such a selective memory largely explains why a coach universally admired at the start of the season is now so unpopular across Europe. Like all unreasonable men - and Mourinho is already being nicknamed Napoleon - the Chelsea coach thinks he is right and the world is wrong. This philosophy has served many successful managers well, and football has been all the more entertaining for it, but it needs adapting in defeat or it sounds terribly similar to whingeing.

If Mourinho wants to know why his aura of cool has evaporated in recent months to be replaced by blunt accusations that he and his team lack class, he need only remember his own words. Football sees the whole picture, not just his edited version, and the devil is in the detail. Here are 10 of the details Mourinho appears to have overlooked:

1) Del Horno was not sent off in the first leg because of some eccentric whim of the referee, he was shown a red card for one of the most blatant fouls of the season on a particularly talented opponent in Lionel Messi. There are grounds for arguing that a yellow would have sufficed, though when you make a challenge as rash as that you put your fate in the hands of the referee. The fact that Chelsea had to play against Barcelona with 10 men was their own fault, no one else's. To hear Mourinho talk you would think they were innocent victims of conspiracy.

2) Barcelona came within a minute of beating Chelsea's 11 men on Tuesday at Camp Nou. The fact they didn't was down to an extremely generous penalty given for a non-existent foul.

3) Frank Rikjaard did not moan too much about that, nor did he make a meal of defeat at Stamford Bridge last season when Chelsea's winner was clearly shown to have stemmed from an illegal block that the referee missed. That's the way football goes, sometimes you don't get the breaks.

4) Mourinho cannot mention Liverpool without referring to the goal they never scored, the debatable strike by Luis Garcia that knocked them out of the Champions League at the semi-final stage last season. What he never makes clear is whether he would have preferred the alternative: a penalty to Liverpool, Petr Cech sent off, and 86 minutes still to play. At least Lubos Michel, the Slovakian referee, left 11 Chelsea players on the pitch, for which he received no thanks from Mourinho.

5) Promising 'goals, goals, goals' before the game then sending Robert Huth on as an emergency striker for the last 10 minutes in Barcelona hardly counted as inspired. Mourinho deserves credit for a bold initial selection - on very few occasions have Damien Duff, Arjen Robben and Joe Cole featured in the same starting line-up - though the plan did not work. None of those three looked like producing a goal, and Frank Lampard was wasted in a more defensive role than usual. But Mourinho still had Crespo on the bench: why not try two strikers for a while and let Duff and Robben work the flanks? Instead he rather cautiously replaced one striker with another, Didier Drogba disappearing as Crespo came on. Drogba has his limitations but surely he would have made a better partner for Crespo than a hulk like Huth, even if only for a few minutes.

6) Mourinho is neither as popular or unpopular as he thinks he is. If he thought he could draw the sting of the Barcelona crowd by walking out alone, he was wrong. By Camp Nou standards he received only a cursory boo. And if he thought he was sufficiently well in with the Barcelona players to walk down the tunnel patting them on the head, the look on the face of a surprised Carles Puyol suggested otherwise.

7) Chelsea do not deserve the unsporting reputation with which their coach has saddled them because their players do gracious defeat quite well. 'Ronaldinho is the best player in the world, everyone knows that,' Frank Lampard said in Spain. 'What amazes me is his consistency, how regularly he plays to that level, he's going to go down as one of the all-time greats. His goal was fantastic, but it didn't really change the game much. We had 90 minutes to try and score two goals and we couldn't do it. We wanted to be patient, we didn't want to rush at Barcelona because that would have been suicide, but we ended up not creating many chances. My Spanish isn't that great but I said "Good luck" to their players at the end and I meant it. They are a great team to watch, we'll just have to try again next year.'

And here's John Terry: 'I thought we were the better team in the first leg, over here we weren't quite good enough. We decided at half time to come out and really give it a go, but we couldn't break Barcelona down. We're not looking back to the first leg - we came here with 11 men and we gave them a match, we just couldn't get the vital goal. It's a great stage to play on though, and while I'm gutted to have lost, I don't mind if we get Barcelona again next year. You always want to test yourself against the best.'

8) That 'group decision' at West Brom last week. What's that supposed to mean? Does Mourinho run a democracy in the dressing room? Did players and directors talk through the issues and conduct a quick straw poll? Or did Mourinho decide he did not fancy explaining some of his earlier actions and unilaterally give the press conference a miss, pausing only to think of a grand-sounding but specious reason with which to brief his beleaguered director of communications?

9) Skipping press conferences hardly counts as the crime of the century, not when Sir Alex Ferguson does it every week and Mourinho usually sends out assistant Steve Clarke in any case. Yet even Chelsea supporters in Barcelona said they were dismayed and disappointed by what had previously occurred at the Hawthorns. Mourinho was as guilty of cheating as his centre forward in protesting furiously that Drogba had been fouled in a blatant attempt to get a West Brom player dismissed. Then, in addition to ignoring the bell to restart the second half and leaving Albion players waiting on the pitch, he petulantly and pointedly refused to shake Bryan Robson's hand at the end. This is not the behaviour expected of champions at the home of a more modest club with relegation worries. Chelsea's complete lack of class is starting to embarrass their own fans. 'Gamesmanship is one thing,' a discussion in a Barcelona restaurant agreed. 'But childishness does not impress anybody.'

10) Some Chelsea fans also suggested Gianluca Vialli's side would have won in Barcelona. This is fanciful, though it does suggest the current English champions are already looking back fondly to less successful times. Mourinho should take that as a warning, even if his team did pretty well against a terrific Barcelona side. Not enough to win, granted, but it is hard to imagine any other English team doing significantly better. Barcelona certainly seemed to respect Chelsea enough to slow down the game for an hour.

Most neutral observers knew whether the best team won or not, but at no time did Barcelona take their superiority or the result for granted. Mourinho should take that as a compliment. He is not going to be snowed under with them this week.
Paul Wilson / Sunday March 12, 2006 - The Observer

Monday, March 13, 2006

Babe of the Day: Paz Vega


Daydream, delusion, limousine, eyelash
Oh baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass

Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet-cakes and milkshakes

I'm delusion angel
I'm fantasy parade
I want you to know what I think
Don't want you to guess anymore

You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we're going
Latched in life
Like branches in a river
Flowing downstream
Caught in the current
I'll carry you
You'll carry me
That's how it could be

Don't you know me?
Don't you know me by now?

You won't drink milk after reading this.

13 Lessons A Bronx Tale Can Teach You

Lesson 1: The importance of family

The kid in the movie doesn't listen to his father and you can't hold that against him; we all have to make mistakes. But the kid always knew that what his father told him was in his best interests. Love is sometimes communicated in strange, harsh ways, but that doesn't mean it isn't love.

Despite all the crap this kid went through, his family was always there to support him. It was the values that his father taught him that kept him from turning into a stronzo , buried six feet under before he was old enough to shave. Never forget how important family is.

Why it's better to be feared, getting rid of people for $20, and making yourself available to those who need you.

Lesson 2: It's better to be feared than loved

Like Chazz Palminteri's character Sonny says, "It's nice to be both, but very difficult." He goes on: "Fear lasts longer than love... it's fear that keeps them loyal."

Power and money help instill fear in others and allow you to take control and become a father figure to your crew.

"I treat my men good, but not too good, or I'm not needed. I give just enough so that they need me, but they don't hate me," says Sonny.

Love is fleeting, that's why I don't trust it. Friendship? It's BS. Most friendships in my business are based on money and are meaningless once the money stops. The guy who laughs at my jokes only does so because I give him a paycheck. I know that and he knows that. Same thing goes for those skanks who ask about your job and your car before they ask your name.

Keep your crew together by making them fear you. I already wrote about this in a past column so I won't waste more time on it.

Lesson 3: It costs $20 to get rid of a problem

In the movie, some punk owes Calogero, or C (Lillo Brancato), $20. Since the movie took place in the '60s, breaking a few fingers might have been worth it. The punk always avoids C and he wants to break the punk's head. But before he does, he gets some good advice from Sonny.

"It costs you $20 to get rid of him."

The point was that for $20, this punk from the neighborhood would never ask C for money or bother him again. For the rest of C's life, this guy would fear him and stay out of his hair for good.

Your lesson? Sometimes you have to take a loss, but in the end you're better off cutting your losses and moving on. Get too hung up on the past, especially on small things, and you'll never move ahead.

Lesson 4: Availability

Sonny talks a lot about availability. He chooses to live in his neighborhood because he can stop trouble immediately. The people that love him in the neighborhood see him every day, and they feel safe. His enemies think twice about getting cute, because they know he's close.

This is a universal lesson to stay close to the things that are important in your life. If you are some hotshot manager at a company, don't stay away from your troops; keep your ear to the ground. If you are a father, make yourself available to your kids.

Staying close to the action lets you spot problems before they become cancers.

Lesson 5: Sinatra is a great singer

What? I have to explain this to you? What's the matter with you?

Lesson 6: Never rat on no one

C had a life-altering decision to make when he was young. He could have ratted on a murder Sonny committed but he knew better. He knew better than to be a rat because as he said, "A rat is the lowest thing you can be in my neighborhood."

Doing good things for rotten people, wasting your talent and getting a girl to give you oral sex in front of a dirty truck driver.

Lesson 7: Sometimes you do good things for bad people

When C doesn't rat on Sonny, he is not only saving his reputation, he is saving his own life and his father's life. There are times in life when you'll have to do things you know aren't right for the greater good.

It's life. It's not a goddamn fairytale. People have a hard time understanding this -- they see things in black and white, but there are plenty of gray zones.

Here's a quick example for those missing a few screws. If the local tough guy gives you a gun to hide for him, hide it and shut up. Don't be a wise ass and go to the cops with your little piece of evidence. Capisce ?

Lesson 8: There's nothing sadder than wasted talent

I've always said, a loser isn't someone who's stupid; he never had a chance, God made him stupid.

A loser is a guy who could have made something of himself but didn't. A loser is a guy with wasted talent. Don't be that loser.

Lesson 9: The "Mario" test

One of the young turks in the movie talks about doing a test on a girl by taking her on the highway, getting the attention of a truck driver and seeing if she blows you in front of him. If she does, don't make plans to marry her.

The test sounds stupid, but it's legitimate. If a girl has no respect for herself, especially in public, she's no good. Drop her like a bag of yesterday's bread.

Lesson 10: Nobody cares

Sonny teaches C that nobody cares. Nobody cares about anyone but themselves. You should do what you want because nobody cares about you anyway.

Sonny tells C that he shouldn't care about Mickey Mantle, because Mickey Mantle doesn't care about him.

Some people are obsessed with other people's opinion. Who gives a damn? Nobody cares. Take care of yourself -- no one else will.

Lesson 11: Never underestimate your enemy

In another scene, some fat bikers walk into Sonny's bar and disrespect him and his establishment because Sonny was polite. They underestimated him, and it cost those cafones .

Don't mistake patience or a gentleman's demeanor for weakness. Always assume the worst in your enemy and never underestimate the lengths he'll go to, to destroy you.

"Now yous can't leave."

Lesson 12: Guns don't make you tough

If you think owning a piece is going to make you a tough guy, think again. Toughness is what you show when a gun is pointed at you. A gun will never give you respect, importance or, outside of the moment you point it, any power.

Lesson 13: The "door" test

I've been doing this one since I stole my first car back when I was 14. The "door" test basically boils down to this: When you take a girl out for the first time, lock the door on your side of the car, open her door first, walk around the back, and see if she unlocks the door for you. If she does, she's a keeper. If she doesn't, she's a selfish bitch and you should consider yourself lucky to have recognized that early on.

It's all in the little details; remember that.

How well do you know your beer?

Stevie G takes the blame

Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard today held up his hands and admitted that if it hadn't of been for his lapse in concentration in gifting a back pass to Thierry Henry, Liverpool might have 'robbed' a point from the Gunners.

"It was just like France all over again," revealed Gerrard. "I was trying to take up time. I did not see him. The last player you want the ball to go to is the best player on the planet.

"It was completely my fault and I hold up my hands. It was a stupid mistake that has stopped us from robbing a point because we did not play well at all."

To be fair to the lad, he plays his heart out for Liverpool week in week out and has won us enough games single-handedly. I'm sure this mistake will not be held against him for too long. YNWA Stevie. Just make it up by winning us the FA cup, no pressure like!

Here are the goals:

Gifs courtsey of EssexBlue.

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World's most expensive cars 2006

Top ten includes a street-legal, ten-cylinder Porsche; 300-hp electric car. [MORE]

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Arsenal v Liverpool

Fan Mail?

O Restaurador said...

First of all, I've to recognize that if Liverpool had scored half of their oportunities in the first half of the game, now we will just think in our league and portuguese cup. These time, the lucky star had stayed with my club Benfica. I loved too the Liverpool fans supporting your team! You are fantastic! Really fantastic! In Portugal, when Benfica or other club is loosing, the supporters "just" call names to the players...Now we have Barcelona! In my best dreams Benfica can defeat Barcelona, but on reality I think that Benfica's season on Champions League will be over with Barcelona...Greatings from Portugal!


Hey Dan

My name is Marco Pereira and I'm in Johannesburg. Just wanted to congratulate you on a great blog. (At the risk of sounding condescending you show taste and maturity beyond your years.)

I was especially pleased by the way you handled our recent loss to Benfica. No griping, no moaning..... No blaming the ref. Just congratulations to the victorious side. We can't only support Liverpool through the victories and 'they'll never walk alone'

Aren't the Liverpool fans just the best fans in the world?!?!

Anyway keep up the outstanding work, I will be a regular visitor.


We've seen some of the so called 'big clubs' and their fans act like twats at times. Anyone remember the crowd at Old Trafford leaving before the end of their last game of the season? Those massive 'NOT FOR SALE' banners (not realising the club was actually a PLC), most of their fans generally being arrogant c*nts who believe football was invented in the 90s! And ofcourse, there's Chelski and their plastic fans. Death threats to opposition referees, complete and utter ignorance when it comes to acknowledging some of their results as according to Mourinho's Chelsea is still unbeaten innit? Garcia's goal didn't cross the line, and 'it was 0-0' according to Mourinho. 'Barcelona can't beat us with 11 v 11' he goes, not realising that The fact they didn't was down to an extremely generous penalty given for a non-existent foul. The fact that Chelsea had to play against Barcelona with 10 men was their own fault, no one else's. To hear Mourinho talk you would think they were innocent victims of conspiracy.

While we've had problems from a tiny minority of Liverpool supporters (who hasn't?) I'd like to believe that Liverpool has the most passionate, loyal, dignified bunch of supporters who will back the team even when 3-0 down, and will applaud the opponents even after undeservedly losing to Benfica on Wednesday.

It almost brought a tear to the eye to watch the standing ovation Benfica recieved, and the way the kop belted out another rendition of You'll Never Walk Alone as the second goal went in and the realisation set in that this probably is the end of the road for us this year.

Inside Dubai Inc.

The ambitious emirate, already a tourism giant, wants to run U.S. ports and be the Wall Street of the Persian Gulf. Isn't that the American way? Continue Reading

Champions League QF & SF Draw <--Video Link Fixed

The draw for the quarter finals and semi-finals of the UEFA Champions League took place in Paris on Friday.

Steven Gerrard, Liverpool's captain, was present in Paris - helping to hand over the trophy to the host city, along with former Manchester United defender Laurent Blanc.

The new trophy - engraved with the names of the 50 previous winners - has made its maiden public appearance at the traditional handover ceremony that took place ahead of the UEFA Champions League quarter-final and semi-final draw in the Salle des Fêtes at the Hôtel de Ville in Paris.

There was drama before the event when the female presenter fainted on stage during an interview with Real Madrid legend Francisco Gento.

First, Checkout how Eurosport's CL Ticker covered this incident, comedy gold this is:

12:57 Larry White, sorry Laurent Blanc, looks nervous as he gets up on stage to pick the balls out of the hat...
12:55 Finally, it looks like we might be nearing the actual draw... no, not yet, we need to thanks Paris, the mayor, the public, Platini's dog, etc first....
12:47 Delanoe holds the trophy up! And nearly drops it! When is this comedy going to end!
12:46 This has descended into farce! Brilliant! Best draw since we saw the magician in tight pants at the World Cup draw!
12:45 This is incredible! Don't think we'll be seeing Carole again today... she looks very ill...
12:45 Carole's gone again... and the Pompiers race onto stage to drag her away...
12:44 Bertrand Delanoe, the mayor of Paris, is now on stage... this man's a legend, if only for the introduction of Paris Plage every summer....
12:43 Laurent Blanc found that little incident hilarious! He's now been invited onto stage to have a chat the Carole....
12:41 Carole, you've had a nightmare!
12:41 She was really struggling with the pressure of the occasion, and she just broke down! Superb! The official line is that she tripped, but I reckon she jsut freaked out!
12:40 Oh no! The woman, Carole, has fainted! Finally some action! This is brilliant!
12:40 This is embarrassing... the woman on the stage is trying to interview in Spanish... there's just one problem... she doesn't speak a word of Spanish!
12:37 Seriously, this is beyond a joke... this really is cringeworthy... please, put us out of our misery and get on with the draw...
12:31 Just spotted Steven Gerrard in the audience! Oh dear, he looks nearly as bored as me.... wake up Stevie, you're on camera!
12:31 OK, I'm going to have a little snooze now... someone wake me up when the good stuff starts....
12:30 Looks like we'll have to wait a bit longer as we hear about the history of the Champions League, indeed the history of football....
12:29 It's a simple process... pick a ball out of a hat and let us know who's playing who... JUST DO IT!
12:28 Here comes Michel Platini! He's getting an award for something... not sure why, but hey ho....
12:27 They're going on about this year being the 50th anniversary... blah blah blah....
12:27 Oh no... some UEFA woman is up on the stage to present some award... GET ON WITH THE DRAW! We've been waiting ages already!

Now, have a look at the
VIDEO of the incident. Watch Stevie G as he just stands there watching her fall, hands behind his back, not even budging an inch to help her as she hit the deck two feet infront of him. Even old man Paco Gento leapt to her aid from the background, and when the medics came flying in to attend to her he STILL didn't move or take his hands from behind his back.
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