Saturday, July 16, 2005

Make yerself a Human Bomb.

looks yum? not for me, cuz these little fuckers can kill. I'm allergic to these buggers and eating them can send me into an anaphylactic shock - swelling the airways to the point of suffocation.

Interestingly, if a human being were to eat black pudding followed by king prawns and washed down with a glass of milk, due to the un-stable chemical mixture now sitting in his or hers gut, the poor individual's stomache would literally explode within a matter of minutes!

I wonder who discovered that.

Who's comin to Anfield then?

Its doing my head in now. Today's papers seem to be divided evenly over Liverpool's interest in li'l Micky. Almost all of them are reporting that Owen is desparate to come back to thats surely a god thing. However, Liverpool's position on the issue isn't clear yet, not officially anyway.

Here's a look at what some of the newspapers are saying, from Media Watch at Liverpool

All you need to know
about Rafa's remaining summer targets.

Prostitutes of the world unite in Dubai.

So you find a body...

and you wanna determine when the poor sod died, Here's where you go.

Friday, July 15, 2005

The Return of Michael Owen?

There are rumors in today's papers suggesting that the former Liverpool striker is 'Desparate' for a return to his boyhood club.

Although the papers aint ruling out a dramatic swoop, Benitez seems to already have plans in place and this news might have come too late. It could be possible if Benitez is able to raise enough cash by player sales, ie. Milan Baros and Kewell etc cuz it doesn't appear as if there's enough cash left in the transfer kitty.

Owen desparate for Anfield return

I would prefer to see Owen front our attack rather than Peter Crouch, if I had to choose between the two. Owen is far more experienced with a proven record and back at his boyhood club he might show the same 'passion' that makes Jamie C and Stevie G so special.

Luis Figo saga continues

Looks like Luis Figo might actually get to play for the club he's been 'dreaming' about. The Bernabeu club are now understood to have agreed to waive the £2million transfer fee that they had initially wanted which Liverpool didn't wanna pay.

Came accross
THIS while googling for Figo's pics for this post. WTF!?

London, Bush and Mossad

It’s become a familiar part of the post-tragedy landscape. A shocking outrage happens and instantly people start looking for the secret, hidden explanation - the conspiracy theory that explains all. [continue reading]

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Joke of the Day

A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.

He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Liverpool 3 - 0 TNS

European champions Liverpool started the defence of their title with an underwhelming 3-0 win against Welsh Champions Total Network Solutions, and somewhat inevitably it was Steven Gerrard to the fore as the captain bagged a hat-trick.

After declaring that he would leave Anfield, and then changing his mind, Gerrard showed no sign of relinquishing his grasp of the summer headlines - slotting home after just seven minutes as The Reds failed to run up the rugby score that some had predicted.
[continue reading]

Match Photos (click to enlarge)

liverpoolbig 0,,2005320753,00 1738053361

0,,2005320752,00 steviebig redsbig

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Car Accident Reports - by Marky Mark

Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. However sometimes the explanations can be a little too brief.

  • "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

  • "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have." (Class!)

  • "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

  • "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

  • "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."

  • "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

  • "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

  • "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."

  • "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

  • "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."

  • "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

  • "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

  • "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

  • "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

  • "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

  • "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."

  • "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

  • "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

  • "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

Babe of the Day - Gisele Bundchen

The Perfect Body? Visit the Photogallery


Howard Stern's Answer:
I'm afraid to answer that because the FCC would fine me for it! Wait until I'm on satellite radio, then I'll tell you

Jessica Simpson 's Answer:
Why would he be one a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?

Homer Simpson 's Answer:
There was free beer on the other side of the road.

Snoop Dogg 's Answer:
This motherfuckin fool of a chicken didn't fuckin know what the fuck he was doin crossin a fuckin alley in fuckin Harlem at 1:00 in the fuckin mornin'.

John Kerry's Answer:
I agree that the chicken should cross the road, but I believe that the chicken should not get to the other side..

Gandhi 's Answer:
All chickens should peacefully resist by crossing the road.

Colin Powell 's Answer:
This is not about whether inspectors made sure the chicken crossed the road, it's about the willingness of the chicken to cross the road voluntarily.

Saeed Sahaf (Former) Iraq Information Minister:
There is no such chicken trying to cross the road, and there never has been any such chicken.

Jack Nicholson's Answer:
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Secretary Cheney's Answer:
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

George Bush's Answer:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

Bill Gates' Answer:
I have just released eChicken 2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Martha Stewart's Answer:
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Martin Luther King Jr's Answer:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question

Ralph Nader's Answer:
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been pollutedby unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

John Lennon's Answer:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

Saddam Hussein's Answer:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Bill Clinton's Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

The Bible's Answer:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders' Answer:
I missed one?
Loads more on here

Signs of Insanity

Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

You laugh out loud during funerals.

When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

You collect dead windowsill flies.

Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

You like cats. Especially with mayo.

You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

Melba toast excites you.

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."

You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

You like reading lists like this.

More Photoshop magic

Who remembers the thread last week about how you should never post your pic on the net? Well.. check this one out. Turns out you shouldn't trust your mates with them either!

Vida Guerra Cellphone Pics?

There are some photos on
this thread, towards the end (fuckin' quality ones) of Ms. Guerra apparently taken on her camera-phone and leaked on the interweb. NWS

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Babe of the Day - Veronica Zemanova

Click here to view the Photogallery. (NSFW)


Anfield Update

"I understand that the Everton fans are angry but I am going to be happier at Liverpool," said Sissoko. "I'm sure they will give me a hard time in the derby match."
Says Mohamed Sissoko, after Rafa snatched the midfielder under Everton's (bloody) noses [More]

Milan Baros may be
out of the qualifier against TNS - Reason being that Rafa does not want him to be cup-tied, as they are still looking for the right offer for him and with him being cup-tied, we might not get a good price.

Nunez has been told he'll be
sold as soon as someone makes a good offer, as Benítez hopes to secure the England striker Peter Crouch as a Liverpool player by the end of the week after talks between the European champions and Southampton resumed last night.

Check this out

This guy has a problem

Sunday, July 10, 2005

More of the Simspons

I'll never get tired of these...

Bart Simpson Quotes

Bart: There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album.

Bart: Well, I'm flunking math and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.

Rupert Murdoch picking up phone: Hello, Murdoch here... 10,000 dollars? You've saved my network!
Bart: Wouldn't be the first time.

Bart: Please make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times.
Ms. Krabapple: We got tired of that blackboard thing years ago.

Bart: Wicca's a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: Thats Kaballah, you jerk.

Bart: I think its ironic that for once dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas

Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.

Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

Bart: Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.

Bart: Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

I will not torment the emotionally frail
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
I will not spin the turtle
This punishment is not boring and pointless
I will not yell "She's dead" during roll call
I do not have diplomatic immunity
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
I no longer want my MTV
Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story
Sherri does not "got back"
I have neither been there nor done that
I will stop phoning it in
Substitute teachers are not scabs
My suspension was not "mutual"
A belch is not an oral report
"Non-Flammable" is not a challenge
I will not surprise the incontinent
The nurse is not dealing
Science class should not end in tragedy
Network TV is not dead
"Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap
I will not scare the Vice President
Nobody reads these anymore
The giving tree is not a chump
This school does not need a "regime change"
SpongeBob is not a contraceptive

Bart's Prank Calls
IP Freely
Jock Strap
Al Caholic
Oliver Clothesoff
Seymour Butts
Heywood U Cuddleme
Mike Rotch
Hugh Jass
Bea O'Problem
Amanda Hugginkiss
Ivona Tinkle
Ura Snotball
Maya Buttreeks
Anita Bath

Homer Simpson Quotes

Homer: "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

Homer: "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

Homer: "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"

Homer: "I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh,good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"

Homer: "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

Homer: "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

Homer: "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."

Homer: "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

Homer: Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Homer: I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Homer: Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Homer: Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

Homer [Looking at a globe being Uruguay] :Hee hee! Look at this country!'You are gay.'

Homer: Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things!

Homer: "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

Homer: "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

Homer: "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"

Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. lie dectector blows up.

Homer: They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce and Lance and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just...
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that
word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!

Homer is staring at Carmen Electra's chest
Carmen Electra:
Homer, my face is up here.
Homer: I've made my choice.

Homer on Family

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

Homer on Religion

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

Homer on Work

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.

Moe Szyslak Quotes

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
Joey runs out of the bar sobbing
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!

Moe on Lie Detector
Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! *buzz* Alright, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him. *ding*
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. *buzz* A date. *buzz* Dinner with a friend. *buzz* Dinner alone. *buzz* Watching TV alone. *buzz* Alright! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. *buzz* Sears catalog. *ding* Now would you unhook this already, please! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! *buzz*

Moe: Say, Barn. Uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe.
Moe: The results came back today.

Apu Quotes

Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I work, I work.

Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.

Please do not offer my god a peanut

Bart and Lisa are reading a magazine at the Kwik-E-Mart]
Hey, hey, this is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing put it down or I'll blow your heads off!

This is how you talk when you learn English from pornos.

And........ Milhouse!

Milhouse: I can't go to Juvie! They use guys like me as currency!

Related posts
Best of Homer Simpson Quotes
The Real Simpsons
More Simpsons Quotes from the F365 Forum
Bart Simpson's Chalkboard Sentences

WTF Pic Of The Day

She seems to be enjoying it!

You'll Never Walk Alone

Damn Right.

The final toll is expected to rise as there are still around 30 people

London travel
'close to normal' now.

Download KamaSutra!


Do let us know how the seemingly weird positions worked out for ya! (Preferably with photographs)

Download the ENTIRE KamaSutra, in just 1mb MSWORD file. (Right Click on link and choose 'SAVE TARGET AS')

Disclaimer - will take no responisbility of any injuries or complications suffered as a result of experimenting with the positions as described in the above document.
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