Saturday, May 14, 2005

Babe of the Day - Eliza Duskhu

One of the hottest babes around IMO. Here's the Gallery.

Vile Jokes

I KNOW how evil these sound and I know I might go to hell for it but they're fucking hilarious.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years old.

What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of cannonballs?
You can't unload cannonballs with a pitchfork.

What's worse than Jacko tucking your kids in?
Huntley giving them a bath!

What's funnier than a baby trying to get into an elevator?
A baby trying to get into an elevator with a javelin through its head.

How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jascksons house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

What is the difference between Neil Armstrong and Micheal Jackson?
Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon, and Micheal Jackson fucks small boys.

What is the difference between a crying bound and gagged 12 year old girl and a ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

Whats the best thing about fucking twentyseven yr olds?
there's twenty of them

why would you wrap a hamster in sellotape?
to stop it ripping when you f*** it.


What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume

why should you put babies in the blender feet first?
so you can look into their eyes whilst you jack-off

What's more fun than strapping a baby to a clothesline and then spinning it around at 200km/h?
Stopping it with a shovel.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.

How do you get a baby to run faster?
Chase it with the lawn mower.

What's pink and spits?
A baby in a frying pan

Why did the toddler drop it's lollipop?
It was hit by a truck.

What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.

What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A baby playing in a plastic bag

What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman?
A baby with a black eye!

Things to do in a public restroom

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with apple juice. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Oooh, you might want to get a doctor to check that out"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

Why are men fascinated with Farts?

Farting with style takes practice,
Perfection takes time, its a gift,
You've first got to learn all the basics,
Like pushing one out in a lift.

Those silent but violent are classics,
With friends it's a really good game,
Fart in a crowd at a party,
Then watch to see who gets the blame.

Now once your technique has been mastered,
You'll know what your bottom can do,
But ALWAYS remember - don't push too hard,
Coz one day you might follow through !!!!

More farting poems, noises, stories, names, and farty links from Tracy's Fart Farm
You might also wanna checkout the Fartotron


CVs play an important role in getting you a job interview, and you should always make sure they're 'to the point'. Here's the Perfect Example of what i mean

get stood on

Apparently, my expiry date is in 44 years from now.

What Age Will You Die?
What about you lot? LMK via comments who's dying when - I'll need to update my diary.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

From Actual Performance Reviews

Actual exerts from performance reviews done at a large UK firm

1. He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
2. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
3. He has been working with glue too much.
4. He would argue with a signpost.
5. He has a knack of making strangers immediately.
6. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room.
7. He and the CEO have something in common. They've both gone as far as they can in this company.
8. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

Babe of the Day - Adriana Sklenarikova

More Adriana Sklenarikova photos

How Al Libbi was captured

"I am a jihadi! Police are after me!" the man gasped in the local Pashto language before locking himself inside a room, not waiting for a reply.

Munir did not know it at the time, but the jihadi, or "holy warrior," was Pakistan's most-wanted man, Abu Farraj al-Libbi, the reputed al-Qaida No. 3 and the closest associate of Osama bin Laden to be arrested in more than two years.


Yet another GIF - For the lads this one

The Evolution of Mario!

Watch how his appearance has changed dramatically in the past couple of decades. Definately one of the best games ever.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Random GIF of the Day

If Women Ruled The World

Women Drivers

This one's a classic.

All you need to do is pull the pin first.

Aint exactly rocket science now is it. But some idiot fucked up the best chance he had of getting rid of a man whos actions are increasingly making world an extremely dangerous place.

Manager of the Season: Rafa Benitez

So another Premiership season draws to a close and the snipers are out yet again at what is being described in some quarters as a lucky and poor season for Liverpool FC.

No better off than last season some people say, boring and defensive the others, the list goes on. But a closer look actually tells a different story.

Liverpool have reached two finals, one of them in the most prestigious competition in Europe and look like finishing fifth in the Premiership. This despite losing one of England's top strikers in the summer and his replacement being ruled out for most of the season with a broken leg, his understudy (Milan Baros) being plagued by hamstring injuries for most of the early part of the season but being forced to play due to our chronic lack of other strikers as pie-eater Mellor and Florent 'Craig David' Pongolle have also been ruled out for long periods.

Leeds managing to swindle the club by selling us Harry Kewell's idiot twin brother who has about a tenth of the talent and an even worse haircut, our star midfielder ruled out for three months due to fat Frank Lampard's half-arsed challenge on New Year's Day, a complete flapper in goal in Jerzy Dudek and last but not least having to field week in, week out a circus clown otherwise known as Djimi Traore at left-back who can’t pass more than two yards without giving the ball away and whose legs are that f*****g long that he ties himself in knots by trying to do a Cruyff turn on his own goal-line.

Benitez has worked miracles as far as I’m concerned - £20 million worth of Houllier's dross is currently out on loan due to their shear inability to do anything of note on a football field apart from run around like headless chickens (Diouf/Diao/Cheyrou) and Benitez has even managed to make Biscan look like a footballer, which to most people was an impossible task. Granted he hasn’t managed to do anything with Smicer yet but let’s be honest, who fucking could?

Roll on next year when the real 'Special One' has shipped out the rubbish and brought in the players to make Liverpool a real force again and shown all the snipers that reaching the European final was no fluke and just a sign of things to come.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Random Thoughts

There's nothing I hate more than getting up in the morning to go to work. I have to be in at work at 9 (its a 5 minute walk!) and yet I set up my alarm for 6:30 and then keep it on snooze for the next 2 hours. Where would we be without snooze.

Last night when I went to bed, Nabz, my flatmate was watching Lord of The Rings, The Fellowship of the ring.

When I woke up, he was still up watching the third LOTR movie (whatever its called). I didn't think it was physically possible to watch 9 hours of Hobbitses in one go. Turns out he'd called in sick for the third day in a row. Reason: Same as mine. Hates getting out of bed in the morning.

But then again he's got more serious problems than mine. He's just recently broken up with his girlfriend of 7 years whom he absolutely adored for reasons unknown. He's a top bloke and always fun to hang around with, but it's been a month now and he's been really quiet since and turned insomniac. I know how I should be supportive to him and try and share his pain but I've been through situations myself and the best thing to do is wait... It's not wise to worry that you still miss your ex too much and if you're ever gonna get over it - It takes time. So wait... Time is the best healer.
What do you do to help yourself get over a breakup?

Soldier lifts lid on Guantanamo abuse

Sgt Saar volunteered for Guantanamo in 2002. He was a US Army linguist, an expert in Arabic and had high security clearance. But he says what he saw completely changed his attitude towards the camp, and his country.

There were many more suicide attempts in the camp than the US government has ever admitted, Sgt Saar says. He claims storm trooper-like IRF (initial reaction force) teams were involved in numerous beatings of captives. And of the 600 or so prisoners there, no more than a few dozen were "hardcore terrorists", says Erik Saar.

"The US Government portrays Guantanamo as a place where we are sending the worst of the worst, but this is not true.

"Guantanamo was the beginning of a mistake. It set a precedent in labelling people as enemy combatants, blurring the line between right and wrong.

"You can see it as the seed that may well have led to the naked human pyramids in Abu Ghraib."
Congratulations America - All you've actually accomplished is breeding more Osama Bin Ladens and Zarqawis...

We do live in interesting times.

Also Read:
Dismay at Quran Desecration

I wrote an article on this blog once,
When Moderates Switch, which is basically about how the actions of the US of A are making more and more moderate muslims think whether it is right to take up arms against what increasingly appears to be 'The Enemy'.

Pakistan's first women fighter pilots

Until recently, most women in this conservative Muslim society would more likely have imagined marrying a dashing fighter pilot than being encouraged to become one.

But this was not true for Saba Khan, one of four female cadets to make it through the gruelling first stages of training.

"I always wanted to be a fighter pilot, and eventually with Allah's wish and the full support of my parents, I made it this far" More...

Monday, May 09, 2005

Things that make you go "hmmmm?"

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

Can you cry under water?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

What is the speed of darkness?

Where's that extra penny going to?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's ass."

Whose evil idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?

Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their rear end when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your arse?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

You can stuff 4th up yer arse, We'll take the trophy

Well done to Arsenal for a cracking first half display that saw Liverpool go behind Arsenal by 2 goals. They outplayed Arsenal throughout the second half, a performance that made you wonder how a team can go from absolute magic (against chelski) to mediocre (arsenal first half) and then come up with a threatening display in the second half. Liverpool have done that all season.

Steven Gerrard scored from a freekick but Liverpool couldn't find another despite many shots on. Arsenal however,
sealed it with Fabregaz's goal, Arsenal's 3rd. Lord of Frodsham looked threatening at times too but only to spray his shots wide off target.

Now, what that means is, that Everton have secured 4th spot which would see them in the CL next year. It led to Moyes declaring his team the
best on merseyside

However, he did
speak in support of Liverpool getting a CL spot to defend the cup that they look set to get their hands on.

Meanwhile Liverpool's hopes of playing in the CL have been boosted thanks to UEFA President Lennart Johansson who
repeated his views of a couple of weeks ago when he stated that a way could be found for Liverpool to be allowed back into next season's tournament as holders, despite not qualifying through the Barclays Premiership.

Congratulations to Everton on finishing fourth and qualifying for next season's Champions League. Over the season the table doesn't lie and Everton deserve it.

If we beat Milan, then I would say that regardless of the FA/UEFA's decision, I'd certainly swap playing in it next year for winning it this. If we do win it, I expect the old "Best side in Europe? You're not even the best side in Liverpool," to echo John Lennon's comments on Ringo's drumming ability, but the fact is that it's trophies that matter - a fact that has been lost in the media frenzy over fourth place.

Everton may gain some kudos for finishing above the European champions (touch wood) but I'd just like to remind them that in 1980-81 we also finished fifth and won the European Cup - the team in fourth? Step forward West Bromwich Albion.

Wishful Thinking

I've fallen for another one of those thingys doing rounds on blogs - Sarah's put me in the shit this time. Thanks babe.

Basically, I have to choose any 5 of the sentences below and complete them. Then all I gotta do is nominate any 3 bloggers to do the same.

Sounds simple? Well it fuckin aint.

Here we go.

If I could be a scientist…
If I could be a farmer…
If I could be a musician…
If I could be a doctor…
If I could be a painter…
If I could be a gardener…
If I could be a missionary…
If I could be a chef…
If I could be an architect…
If I could be a linguist…
If I could be a psychologist…
If I could be a librarian…
If I could be an athlete…
If I could be a lawyer…
If I could be an inn-keeper…
If I could be a professor…
If I could be a writer…
If I could be a llama-rider…
If I could be a bonnie pirate…
If I could be an astronaut…
If I could be a world famous blogger…
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world…
If I could be married to any current famous political figure…

Now, here's the five I've chosen and completed.

If I could be a farmer… I'd grow weed innit! as if I have a choice!
If I could be a scientist… I'd make myself a little robo-man who would get me beer and fags from the shops whenever I run out. Or find my TV remote for me.
If I could be an athlete… I'd be a footballer and work my bollocks off to get into Liverpool's first team and then score the winner at Istanbul on May 25th.
If I could be an astronaut… I'd invent a new term 'The Miles high club' as opposed to only a 'mile' high.
If I could be married to any current famous political figure… It would be
Queen Rania of Jordan. I'd love to give her one.

Now for the interesting part. The bloggers I'm gonna nominate for this, are:
The Goose
The Prettiest Star
And these were chosen at random - So I do apologise but a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Signs that you may have a drinking problem

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
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