this.is.anfield: 06 August 2006

Previously Unseen Video of the WTC Attacks

It was recorded from an apartment 500 yards away and shows both buildings collapsing.

The Fifty Things That We'd Like To Happen Next Season...But Won't

1) Duncan Ferguson to cancel his retirement and begin working for the home protection industry.

2) Newcastle to present the first known sight of infinity by putting their trophy cabinet on public display.

3) A cup of tea bought inside a football stadium to cost less than £1.50.

4) Fans to be able to read the name on the back of the players' shirts from the away end at St James' Park without the aid of binoculars or a high-powered telescope.

5) David Pleat to have elocution lessons.

6) The description of "winners" to only be applied on personnel in the immediate aftermath of a crushing victory.

7) Sol Campbell to walk out at half-time during his Portsmouth debut to study European geography.

8) Massive evidence to be spotted that a former crop field circulist now works for the Manchester City groundstaff.

9) Tony Adams to give a televised piano recital.

10) The wind to change and Alan Shearer's right arm to stay like that after he attempted to hail a taxi.

11) A whole month to pass without Sam Allardyce moaning.

11) A post-match interview on Sky Sports to feature an Arsenal player other than Thierry Henry.

12) Jamie Carragher to confirm his international retirement after changing his nationality to 'Scouse'.

13) John Terry's mother to be the guest of honour at Liverpool v Chelski.

14) Ian Holloway to write a philosophy book.

15) An item of clothing to be removed from Joanna Taylor's byline picture on each occasion she contributes a new column for The Times.

16) An ousted manger, sacked for general and palpable incompetence , to forsake his compensation package on the grounds that it would be morally abhorrent to accept money he does not deserve.

17) Every Scotsman over the age of twenty to stop claiming they were on the pitch when the Tartan Army ripped down the Wembley goalposts.

18) Cristiano Ronaldo to break his nose and suffer permanent facial injuries after misjudging an acoustic foul.

19) The BBC to reveal just how much of the licence fee persuaded Alan Shearer to reject an offer to become England coach.

20) In a dramatic new documentary series, Sky Sports to reveal that football existed before 1992.

21) David Beckham to donate £500 to charity on each occasion he is heard to utter "you know" in a television interview.

22) Wes Brown to advertise the Orange mobilephone network.

23) Gareth Barry to change his name by deed poll to Garry Barry.

24) Andy Reid to publicly enter a WeightWatchers course.

25) Theo Walcott to go three years better than Wayne Rooney and mark his 18th birthday by releasing his autobiography.

26) A ManYoo goalscorer, celebrating next to a large hole in the ground, to duck as Rio Ferdinand attempts to jump on his back.

27) A fourth official to be caught taking forty winks during Charlton v Wigan.

28) Jeff Winter to stop being feted on TV channels desperate to fill their 24-hour news feed, and instead be ignored on the basis that he was a despised, error-strewn ref corrupted by his own ego.

29) A Premiership footballer to go AWOL over the winter so that he can watch the Ashes series in Australia.

30) Rafa Benitez to publish the notes he makes during matches.

31) All players to be automatically booked if they wave an imaginary card at the referee on the grounds that they asked for it.

32) Spurs to officially confirm that they gave up their status as a big club thirty years ago.

33) After exhaustive studies of the available evidence, historians to identify David Dein as Jack the Ripper but also confirm reports he was the mastermind behind the assassination of Jack the Ripper and the Hitler Diaries hoax.

34) Lasagne to do a roaring trade at White Hart Lane.

35) Jose Mourinho to present Arsene Wenger with a telescope for Christmas.

36) Grateful scientists to be provided the opportunity to study the results of Craig Bellamy and Jermaine Pennant being in locked in a room together.

37) The Liverpool Christmas party to be videotaped in its entirety and broadcast on youtube.

38) Paul Ince to stop sniffing.

39) Sunderland chairman Niall Quinn to give Sunderland manager Niall Quinn the dreaded vote of confidence.

40) The BBC to hand Garth Crooks a 'roving brief' for Iraq.

41) Sir Alex Ferguson to admit that he was only looking agitatedly at his watch in the closing minutes of a ManYoo match because he had realised it had stopped.

42) Any player booked for taking off his shirt after scoring a goal to be subsequently arrested on the grounds that anyone so stupid should not be allowed to roam the streets unattended.

43) Neil Warnock to commemorate a defeat with the sincere observation that, "The best team won - and can I just take this opportunity to congratulate the referee on an impeccable performance?"

44) Iain Dowie to improve his image by signing Luke Chadwick.

45) Peter Kenyon to launch Chelski's public-relations blitz by crawling over broken glass.

46) Charlotte Jackson to present the Bikini Bulletin.

47) Jeff Powell to be incited for racial hatred.

48) Roman Abramovich to prove that he is not a mute.

49) Sir Alex Ferguson to attend a post-match press conference following a ManYoo defeat.

50) The Highbury ghost to be spotted making a dash for the Emirates Stadium.

by Piotrish

Terry good, Gerrard better

John Terry won't let anyone down as England captain, but Steven Gerrard would have been a more imaginative choice, argues Rob Smyth.
Guardian Unlimited

So much for being his own man. Steve McClaren's first significant decision as England manager was so predictable that it would have had Sven-Goran Eriksson nodding softly in agreement.

There is nothing wrong with the choice of John Terry as captain per se: he does the job wonderfully at Chelsea, is a born leader who will kick the catwalk culture out of the England dressing room and whose elevation completes the jigsaw marked 'the new Tony Adams'. But Steven Gerrard would have been a more imaginative, braver choice, and it is tempting to conclude that McClaren has missed an enormous opportunity to get Gerrard playing for England as he does for Liverpool. MORE

Blessing in disguise? The captains role brings with it a lot of responsibility. Gerrard already captains Liverpool and although it would've undeniably helped England had he been given the role, I'd rather we had a fit and fresh skipper at Liverpool doing the job for us week in week out.

Becoming Vice captain also means he's almost an automatic choice for the midfield where as fat lampard may now be asked to fuck off from time to time (hopefully)

Hezbollah, Hezbollah!

For some reason (probably becasue this country doesn't officially recognise israel) the local TV netweorks decided not to show the game - which was a bastard - Had to get regular updates from mates. The bastards have banned Youtube as well! Which means I've only been able to see one goal, emailed to me by Gooner (The other two files wouldn't open). So if anyone has clips of the goal that you could email me on dan.thisisanfield@gmail.com, it'd be well appreciated. Ta

UPDATE: Within 5 minutes of posting this, David Graham has taken the time to upload them and forward them to us - Cheers matey. If any of you need the clips just email me on the above address.

Oh and apparently there were chants of Hezbollah, Hezbollah around Anfield and a handful of Lebanese flags too! Well done lads.

Oh and here's the youtube highlights for the rest of ya.

Babe of the Day: Gemma Bissix

Gemma Bissix Gallery

10 Greatest Ways to piss off your woman

Do you need relationship counseling?

Are the sparks of your relationship slowly becoming dying embers?

My relationship advice to you is try pissing off your mate. Yup, I mean it!

Here are 10 Great Ways to Really Piss Off Your Woman (or 10 Great Ways to Avoid a Relationship Counselor)

More Top 10 lists, including strange monuments, stories that just won't die and so on...

Jokes

Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
A: Cuz she was a woman innit.

---------------------------------------
Q: What do you do if you see a spaceman?
A: Park in it man.

---------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an Indian with pink hair?
A: Ghandi floss

---------------------------------------

A man and his wife have been struggling to conceive a child for many years and eventually visit a specialist. After a few visits and many tests, the consultant offers an appointment to the couple so that they can discuss the results.

"Well," says the consultant, "I have the results back"
"Is it good news?" Asks the husband
"Let me put it this way," says the specialist,"Do you know how to fasten nappies?"
"Am I pregnant?" asks the wife
"No - You've got bowel cancer"

---------------------------------------

Q: How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One to order an electrician, five to shoot him as he leaves the house for the tube and the entire force to attempt to cover it up

---------------------------------------

Two blokes stood at the bar. One says to the other "I could shag any woman in this pub I could!"

The other replies "How's that then?".

The first one says "Cuz I'm a rapist, innit"

------------- AND THE WINNER IS ---------------

A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.

"DIG!" says the voice.

The man looks around, a little confused.

"DIG!" Booms the oice again.

The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts

"OPEN!"

He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again

"CASINO!"

What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout

"ROULETTE!"

He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.

"16 BLACK!" the voice says

So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.

"FUCK!" shouts the voice...

Why do men fall asleep after sex?

Co-authors Mark Leyner and Dr. Billy Goldberg give answers to questions ranging from the bizarre to the slightly embarrassing in "Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex," their follow-up book to their No. 1 New York Times bestseller, "Why Do Men Have Nipples?"

From questions about dogs' belly buttons to knocking down old wives' tales — no question is too weird for this duo.

Question: So you put it out there — and we've got to ask: Why do men fall asleep after sex?

Leyner: People have no idea how much work it is for a man to produce an ejaculation. You have this seminal vesicle churning out this fluid, the prostate gland producing an alkaline solution. It's like having five iron chefs in your crotch working to cook up this stuff.

Goldberg: There are hormones that are secreted at orgasm — proloactin, oxytocin —that facilitate sleep. But you have to accept as gospel that men orgasm more than women. If that's true, then you have your answer as to why men fall asleep after sex. …And it seems like women don't. If women orgasm as much as men, we might all be asleep all the time.

More of your questions answered here

Wanna know what the graphics of the PS3 will look like?

Quantic Dream, the guys behind Fahrenheit are working on another highly stylised video game on PC, PS3 and Xbox 360. At E3, they released this “casting” video of Heavy Rain running on PS3 at real-time, some mind blowing stuff that could lend itself to a fantastic adventure game.

Classy Sisters

Ashlee Simpson Upskirt Panty Slip Pictures

Jessica Simpsons Nipples

In his own words...

The thirteenth of May 2006 was a good day at the office, a day to tell my children about as they grow older. 'This is my FA Cup final,' I told myself as Liverpool's coach inched through the raucous crowd and into the fantastic Millennium Stadium in Cardiff. 'This is my moment.' I was Liverpool's leader, settled at the club I love. I was in the prime of my life, settled with the woman I love. I had the respect of my peers, having just been named the Professional Footballers' Association Player of the Year – an unbelievable honour. Christ, I was ready for the 125th FA Cup final. My stage, my time. In the build-up to the clash with West Ham United, I played the match through in my head at least three times. I used up a lot of energy thinking about every possibility, reminding myself constantly of the need to take responsibility, to seize the moment. Liverpool expected me to deliver. So did I. As I laced my boots, I looked at the name stitched into the tongue: Lily-Ella. Come on, this final's for her. Let's go to work. Continue Reading 'The Gerrard Final' in Steven Gerrard's own words...

Breaking News!

5000 Istraeli troops have just entered Jordan.

Latest reports say she's very tired and her cunt's a bit sore.

More from the news desk later...

Joke of the Day

A little boy walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while his Dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" he asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the boy.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the loo, and that is poo."

The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

"And Tigger?"

What happens when an insect falls into a cup of coffee..

The British: will throw the cup into the street and leave the coffee shop for good.

The American: will get the insect out and drink the coffee.

The Chinese: will eat the insect and drink the coffee.

The Israeli will:

(1) Sell the coffee to the American and the insect to the Chinese.

(2) Cry on all media channels that he feels insecure.

(3) Accuse the Palestinians, Hizb Allah, Syria and Iran of using germ-weapons.

(4) Keep on crying about anti-semitism and violations of human rights.

(5) Ask the Palestinian President to stop planting insects in the cups of coffee.

(6) Re-occupy the West Bank, Gaza Strip.

(7) Demolish houses, confiscate lands, cut water and electrity from Palestinian houses and randomly shoot Palestinians.

(8) Ask the United States for urgent military support and a loan of one million dollars in order to buy a new cup of coffee.

(9) Ask the United Nations to punish the coffee-shop owner by making him offer free coffee to him till the end of the century.

(10) Last but not least, accuse the whole world to be standing still, not even sympathizing with the Israeli Nation.