Saturday, February 18, 2006

Where's the scum now?

Crawled back into your holes have ya?

Match Report]

Babe of the Day - Mandy Moore

Mandy Moore Photos

Could definately do with bigger tits.

Mourinho: We are ready to take on Barca

Fat Mariah and the Neverland Wrestling Camp

Cheers to Richard Hunt from Maui, Hawaii for sending these in.

Top 50 Videos of 2005

Keepy Uppy

Not sure how many of you tried the Tennis-ball Keepy-Uppy game that I posted a few days ago, but here's a football version of it, sent in by Super Cool Pete (Cheers mate)

Here's the old one - with all the insults

Some quality attachments...

That have been sent to me by our readers in the past few days. I haven't had a chance to post them earlier so apologies if you've seen them elsewhere.

Thanks for sending them in, if you find anything else that you think should appear on here, please forward it to

Watch the Highlights

Download and Watch 15 minutes of Highlights from the Arse game.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Blonde Pole Dancer

London Underground

There is the tube map as you've grown to know and love it, and there are spins offs - many spins off, that this guy has collected and laid out for you on his site. Some are useful, some are a little silly.

The Rude One is probably the best. There are also upside down ones, informative ones that tell you of the available facilities at tube stations and the time between them etc.

Eva Green: Bond Girl?

Alright. I think this might actually be real this time. According to Page Six, French actress Eva Green has been cast as Vesper Lind in the newest James Bond film, Casino Royale. So why do I think this time the story is finally true, well, simply put, Eva Green is a nobody. So far, pretty much every actress has turned down the role. Continue...

12 Things Men Should Do, But Don't

Engage in foreplay.

Women love it, but most men consider it "beating around the bush," literally. It's hard to see why, really. I mean, most of us love lingerie, and we can enjoy teasing, touching, role-playing and licking, but somehow we're still obsessed with just getting things done.

Why we don't: The equipment is there for a reason, so why postpone the inevitable? I mean, how many appetizers can you sample before the main course? This is especially true for those nights when you're tired, and all you want to do is get on with the show.

Why we should: If we indulged in more foreplay and took the time to get our women revved up, the ultimate result would be that much sweeter.

Here are the rest

Different Ways to peel an egg

How bored are these lot? [with videos]

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Babe of the Day: Brande Roderick

Goal Poker <-- Link Fixed

Keep scoring your penalties and they'll remove an item of clothing for each goal you score

Our Guide to Germany 2006 and Team Tactics

Zidane playing 5-a-side Video

Absolutely amazing... You will not see a better display of close control.

Latest Scores from the African Nations Cup

Cameroon 8.

Ethiopia didn't.

I'll get me coat.

Liverpool 1 - 0 Arsenal

I know it probably hurts
Goose but we did piss all over you for most of the game before li'l Luis Garcia did what he does best, score yet another winner!

If goals continue to be scarce for Liverpool, they at least showed a keen sense of drama in the positioning of an overwhelmingly deserved winner. The match was in its 87th minute when the resistance of the superb Jens Lehmann was at last smashed. His save from one substitute Dietmar Hamann was excellent but he could not prevent another, Luis García, from converting the rebound from an angle.

Had it not been for Lehmann, Liverpool would enjoy a far merrier record than the laboured figures of three goals from the past six Premiership matches. The German, who had saved a Steven Gerrard penalty in the first half, dived to tip an overhead kick from Harry Kewell round the post after 76 minutes. He could not, however, stifle the truth.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Fancy a cup of..... cow piss? Only if you're Indian!

cow urine is the hot new drink in India. I'm not sure what people believe to be the health benefits of it, but there's a brisk market in sales of the stuff. The only problem is the nasty smell.

A few suppliers even have suggestions for battling the odour. "You can kill the smell if you add some essence while consuming it. But if you store it in a bottle again, the odour returns," says Lakshmanananda of another ashram in Gandipet, on the outskirts of the city.

Demand is so strong that it's even spawning a market for fake cow urine:

As cow urine does booming business, can the fakes be far behind? The city has a supply of about 500 litres a day, but now buffalo urine and that of other animals are being passed off as the real thing. "Spurious products have sprung up from nowhere," says Prashant Kumar Vyas, a supplier from Siddiambar bazaar.

Times of India: Cow Urine for Dazzling Teeth
Only Cow's Urine and Dung are Pure in India
Actual Cow's Urine Aftershave and Other Products
The Daily Telegraph, UK: Bottled Cow Urine
What do Hindu Nationalists Smell Like?
Move over Coke, cow urine is the new drink of choice in health-conscious Hyderabad.

Your feelings on Hallmark Day?

Welcome to my second least favourite day of the year. I f**king hate Valentine’s Day, corporate bullshit Hallmark-invented wank. If you love someone, you should treat them like the god or goddess they are every fucking day of the year, not just when you are told to do so. The whole thing makes me sick.
What the f**k is the point of Valentine's Day anyway? If you've got the horn for someone, just f**king tell them. Are there really people out there who get all loved up in January but hold off for 5 weeks, just so they can express their feelings through the medium of a mass produced bit of cardboard with a blushing f**king teddybear on it?

Love is supposed to be special, individual and spontaneous. The glorious combination of two souls combining, two hearts intwining, two people finding each other in a crazy, crazy world. It is not, and I can't stress this point enough, it is not something that needs to be co-ordinated by a f**king greetings card company. Surely that just cheapens everything?

Have you ever been in a restuarant for this pissingly awful evening? Couple after couple, desperately papering over the cracks in their disintergrating relationships with a badly cooked steak and a creme f**king brulee. Brand new couples feeling all self-conscious about how far society dictates that they display their affections in public. It's a f**king shitshow and no mistake.

Thanks to some grey-hearted suit, locked away on floor 56 of Castle Clintons, we all have to play the f**king game otherwise none of us will get our oats for a punitive two month period. It's a f**king shite state of affairs.


And here are some VALENTINE'S DAY POEMS contributed by the F365 crew.

Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue
I've bought you some Vaseline,
Cos' I'm trying trap two!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've boned a few large women
Cos fat bitches need lovin too

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Screw you and
Have a poo

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You're fucking ugly
But your dog will do

Roses are red,
sometimes they're pink
You love my dick in your flange,
and my thumb in your stink!

roses are red
violets are blue
may as well say yes
or i'll rape you

Roses are red
Zidane is black
Bend over bitch
and lube your crack

roses are red
sometimes they're white
since your in playschool
i hope that your tight

roses are red
oh yes they are
i'll give you a sweety
if you get in my car

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm going to fuck you
And your mum too.

roses are red
violence is black and blue
cook me my tea
or i'll show you

roses are red
voilets are blue
give bellamy a shag
or he'll punch you

Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over bitch
You're about to be fisted!

Roses make me laugh,
Violets make me titter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter!

Roses are red
Women are from venus
but no matter what
i ain`t touching no penis.

roses are red
daffy's are yellow
get on your knees
and suck on this fellow

i don't like valentines
its an american fad
why buy you presents
when i'm fucking your dad

roses are red
and so is your face
when kick you all over
and spray you with mace

roses are red
Valentines is a farce
i've spent so much money
so can i take you up the arse

roses are red
this thread is bumped
i havent bought anything
think i'll get dumped

Roses are red
Barts poems are rather dark
I've been wondering though
Does he work for Hallmark?

roses are red
violets are blue
people like you
belong in the zoo

dont worry
i'll be there too
standing outside
laughing at you

roses are red
todays is about greed
i'll give what she wants
and make her heart bleed

roses are red
and i'm doing rhymes
if did all the above
i'll serve four life times

hallmark are cunts
they'll rob you blind
i don't work for them
are you out of your mind?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Even though I have a bad memory
Happy Birthday to you.

Roses are red
Violets are blue...
Fuck that.....come here love ant let me cunt you in the bastard

Roses are Red
Violets Are blue
If you fucking reject me I will get my mates to gang rape your whole family and your cold lifeless body will never be found so you cant be buried and die a shitty death after I torture your worthless smelly ugly fat ass. You Bitch.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Babe of the Day: Jenna Von Oy

I'm back

Alright fellas, I'm back in Dubai and hope to post more regularly for you guys.

How's everyone been? Well done to Amy for spotting my spaz-ness in the previous post.

There was a pissed off Indian fella who left a comment at my
'Only in India' post - apparently humour doesn't go down to well with some twats. Here's for you mate: Microsoft Tech Support

I just spotted
quarter page advertisement by Nestle in a local daily, seems like the whole cartoon controversy is starting to affect their sales despite them being Swiss. Now, if only the Tribune de Geneve goes ahead and reprints them cartoons...!

There was also an interesting comment left on the
London Cartoon Demonstrations post:

I don’t see how the people abusing Islam are any better.These 'twarts' are not knowledgeable and jump to violence as resort. They are definitely not representatives. They are acting on their own accord. I don't think violence is the key but shutting your mouth and watching while others berate your religion for no apparent reason is just cowardly.This is extremism no doubt. Every religion is peaceful. Islam is too. But it is unacceptable when people just label you a terrorist for being Muslim. Or start hating you just because they are from the Middle East. That’s just ridiculous. Why will they not hate you back if you hate them for something they didn’t do? Generalization and Stereotyping is causing havoc. The entire Middle East and Muslim society dint take part in 9/11 you know.We can’t hate the Danes because a group of them printed moronic and baseless pictures.Like wise you just can’t hate Muslims in general for the actions of some unknowledgeable ones. (Jummy Bear)

The 10 Annoying Things Women Do

Ever wonder what guys talk about when we're not around? Here's your chance to eavesdrop. iVillage and have joined forces to reveal what's really on guys' minds ‑- and just how bluntly they discuss it. Welcome inside the men's locker room.

Men love women. The way they look, smell, walk and talk are just some of the reasons why we consider them a divine species. Yet we can't live with them, and we certainly can't live without them...

...for the most part anyway, because perfect, they are not. And upon serious analysis, I've discovered the top 10 things women do that drive men to the brink of insanity.

10. Pretend to be virtuous

A recurring theme among many women is that they try to place themselves under a "holier than thou" light, never admitting that they fooled around or dividing their number of boyfriends by five. Now, we applaud those ladies who
truly are innocent and pure, but the rest should stop trying to water down their past. Women are allowed to have just as much fun as guys, and they should find a man who can appreciate that.

9. Criticize other women

Why is it that many women can't make a simple compliment toward another woman? They love to nitpick about everything from weight to hairstyle and everything in between. Only a woman will notice if another woman's shoes don't match her purse and turn it into a calamity.

Granted there are some women who are readily
willing to admit when another woman is hot (and hopefully invite her over for a ménage a trois), but most don't want to distract their men with any competition. Nevertheless, we spot the hot ones anyway.

8. Act jealous

Oftentimes, just mentioning another woman's name can spell the end of your existence. Imagine, then, the warfare you'll have to endure if she finds out you were at a gentleman's club.

Call it what you will, but a lot of women have this thing that causes them to second-guess everything, especially their man's loyalty. That's why when another female enters the equation in any way, shape or form, she tenses up. If you've given her reason to doubt you, then her paranoia is likely justified. Otherwise, you shouldn't have to pay the price because she's feeling insecure.

7. Become needy

Some women have some serious security issues. They need their men to hold them, rub them and tell them how special they are. They turn men into their emotional crutch and look to us for moral, mental and emotional support.

There's a real irony here when you think of all the women who go out of their way to show us how independent they are. These are usually the same women who become
extremely insecure once they finally fall in love. Of course, as tempting as it may be to use this to our advantage, I think most men would prefer the tougher version. This way, they'd at least retain some peace of mind.

6. Speak in code

The old "
What are you thinking?" question is a timeless example of how women love to test their men and search for our true feelings about them. They hurtle obscure, theoretical questions at us that, according to them, we're supposed to know the answers to if we're really their soul mates.

What a pitiful sight it is, seeing a guy tense up as his mind goes into overdrive, looking for the right answer, while his lady looks on from a distance with her arms folded and foot tapping. At this point, there's nothing left to do except throw an answer out there and hope we don't end up in the doghouse.

5. Invade our personal space

Women have this instinctive tic that makes them want to groom us anytime they want and make our personal belongings theirs.

In other words, when they're not adjusting our tie for the umpteenth time, they're rummaging through our drawers, looking for a sweatshirt to change into. Am I the only one who sees a problem here? We all know that there would be hell to pay if we so much as thought about giving them a haircut or sorting through their stuff, so why is it that
our turf is fair game?

4. Become too emotional

They cry over anything: a sad movie (or even a happy one), a broken nail or a haircut gone awry. What's worse, they expect us to clean up the emotional mess. And if there's one thing we suck at, it's dealing with a crying woman on our shoulder.

It's not that we're insensitive, but aside from saying, "There there, sweetie," we don't know the first thing about comforting a woman. The fact that women are usually more delicate and vulnerable is great; we just don't want the steady stream of tears for every minor setback.

3. Shop till they drop

When it comes to shopping, there just aren't enough hours in the day for most women. Whether it's browsing, window-shopping or an all-out
spending spree, they can spend hours on end in a shoe store, among others, without even thinking about food, water or any of their responsibilities.

But what's worse is that they have to take us along for the ride. So there we go, from store to store, wandering aimlessly back and forth while they inspect every article of clothing by its respective price tag.

2. Talk incessantly

Chris Rock nailed it when he said that asking how her day went renders a 45-minute conversation. Most women love to talk, and if you give them the ammo, they won't stop. It's not that we don't care about what they have to say; it's just that we don't need to hear every minute detail.

1. Use sex as a weapon

In the war of the sexes, it's all about who wears the pants in the relationship. Oftentimes most women, in an effort to show their superiority, will attack men's universal weak spot: sex.

And while I applaud them for this gutsy tactic, they really should leave the basic human needs alone, don't you think?

Learn to Tolerate

In the grand scheme of things, women's annoying habits aren't that bad. Chances are you'll adapt to them in time, as will she when it comes to your annoying tendencies.
Nobody's perfect, and I think that's something we can all agree on.

Selena Spice

Some NWS for you.

NHS: Help for Wankers

Pricks of the World

Penis Talk

The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you
The Beef Penis: It's what's for dinner.The McDonald's Penis: Over 8 billion served.
The Energizer Penis: It keeps going and going...
The Windows ME Penis: If you ask it to do too much, it'll crash

More on
Which Penis Do You Have? from The Goose

Not for the easily offended

Q: What's blue and f**ks old people?
A: Hypothermia

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her

Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is f**king her.

Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't f**king listen.

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.

Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q. whats the difference between your girlfriend and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

Q. What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13!

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your ass kicked.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded

Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis,it's not time.

Q. Do you know how Aussies practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Lingerie Bowl III

Ten Nightmare Debuts

Iain Turner's debut for Everton may have ended in a less than glorious and far from happy trudge from the pitch, but he's not the first player to have the word 'nightmare' attached to his debut for the rest of his career...

1) Roy Keane - Celtic
The ManYoo reject's first game north of the border ended in a shock defeat to Scottish First Division (just think how rubbish that must be) side Clyde. The minnows actually had the ball in the net four times against the Parkhead club, only for two to be cruelly disallowed, but neither refereeing favouritism or the ageing Keane could save Celtic. Keane had a 'quiet' game, apparently, presumably because he spent the entire 90 minutes thinking 'I could be in Madrid right now'.

2) Jonathan Woodgate - Real Madrid
More a nightmare couple of years than a nightmare debut as far as injuries go, but in terms of footballing blunders you'd have to watch a lot of games to find a worse debut than Woodgate's Bernabeu bow. The man who cost the Galacticos 20 million euros scored a spectacular own goal and then, just to put the icing on the cake, got sent off. Once Woodgate was out of the way, Madrid went on to beat Athletic Bilbao 3-1. As Woody said: "It was not the best start in the world."

3) William Prunier - Manchester United
Widely regarded, certainly in F365 Towers, as the worst ManYoo player of the last 20 years - and that includes Darren Fletcher. Prunier was embarrassed on his debut, torn apart by none other than QPR's Danny Dichio. He didn't perform badly enough for the then unknighted Fergie to refuse him another chance, against Tottenham Hotspur. Spurs won 4-1. Guess who never played for ManYoo again?

4) Mike Salmon - Oxford United
Mike Salmon only played in one game for Oxford, but still managed to be voted their worst-ever player in more than one poll. He made his debut - and only - appearance against Birmingham City, and didn't do anything apart from pick the ball out of the net seven times on the way to Oxford's record home defeat.

5) Jason Crowe - Arsenal
Poor old Jason Crowe. In October 1997, Arsenal were taken to extra-time in the League Cup by Birmingham City. On came the youthful Crowe. 33 seconds later, off went the youthful Crowe - dismissed for a high tackle. He now plays for Northampton. Go figure.

6) Ade Akinbiyi - Burnley
With his Burnley side 1-0 down to title-chasing Sunderland (how strange does that sound?) Ade Akinbiyi was introduced after 80 minutes. Everything went a bit crazy less than three minutes later, when Akinbiyi elbowed George McCartney. This not being the Premiership, McCartney stayed on his feet, and had the nerve to ask Akinbiyi what his problem was. Akinbiyi's perfectly reasonable response was to headbutt McCartney, before grabbing him around the throat - presumably just in case the referee hadn't seen. He had. Bath time.

7) Fernando Ricksen - Rangers
Fernando Ricksen's player profile on the official Glasgow Rangers website begins 'Ricksen took time to settle at the club'. He cartainly took longer than 15 minutes, by which point of his debut Celtic had scored three goals - a tally they doubled by the end of the game. The Dutch defender, responsible for at least four of the Celtic goals as he huffed and puffed his way around the pitch, admitted later that he had been a nervous wreck before the game. And during it, we would think.

8) Chris Sutton - Chelsea
The only player in this list to have had his nightmare during a 4-0 win. In August 1999, long before Chelski, Chelsea hammered Sunderland, but their £10million man missed two absolute sitters and invited the whole crowd onto his back - from which point they never decamped. Just six months later the arrival of George Weah on loan put paid to Sutton's chances of making it in London, and he was promptly shipped off to Celtic. Where, ironically, he scored on his debut.

9) Lionel Messi - Argentina
Just to give England some hope in the build-up to this summer's World Cup, we thought we'd point out that not all goes perfectly in the world of the new Maradona. Less than a minute into Messi's Argentina debut, he was sent off for elbowing a Hungary defender who had the temerity to pull his shirt. The story became sadder - or funnier, depending on your point of view - when it was revealed that the rest of the Argentina team returned to the dressing room to find Messi a broken, well, mess, sobbing in the corner of the room.

10) Jaap Stam - Manchester United
If there is any hope for Iain Turner, it comes in the form of Jaap Stam, who suffered not one but two nightmare debuts for ManYoo. Stam cost United £10.5m, a world-record fee for a defender, and it looked like money incredibly badly spent when Nicolas Anelka's pace left Stam lying on the floor as the Frenchman fired Arsenal to a 3-0 Charity Shield victory. Stam's league debut was no better, as he was taken to pieces by Emile Heskey's speed and strength (no, seriously). Nine months later, he was the lynchpin in the team that won the treble. Stam, that is, not Heskey.

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