Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Gary Neville's World Cup Diary

How exactly did The Neviller hurt his thigh? Why didn't he follow Sir's instructions to stop Wayne playing? We take a gander at the totally-made-up diaries of England's next captain (or so he thinks). It's all here...
From the geniuses at Football365, Adam and Trish

Monday June 5
Gary Neville's England team arrived in Baden-Baden-Baden today and I looked very, very handsome in my suit (mum said) and definitely had the bestest moustache. I brought my guitar which I have been learning for three weeks and I can play all of Elton John's best songs, including 'I Guess That's Why They Call Us The Reds' and 'The Bitch Is Back', which I save for David's 'wife'. I asked David if he would sing 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' with me, but we argued about who would be Elton. We can't both be Kiki.

I am ringing Sir every hour with updates on Wayne. Thirty-seven minutes ago he ate four bratwursts.

Tuesday June 6
I have made an official complaint to the hotel manager about the pillows (too square). And the soap (not square enough). And the Bible (doesn't mention Sir). And the hand rail next to the bath (just don't like it). I have told Sven that I will go on strike if these things are not rectified and everyone knows right-back is the most important position on the whole pitch. Even in these silly summer warm-up tournaments before the serious business with the best club in the whole wide world ever begins in August. I can't wait.

Passed Frank Lamppost (hah) in the corridor - he'd been stood there an hour trying to get his key in the door.

Friday June 9
Rung Sir and told him Wayne has been kissing Coleen. Eurgh. Everyone knows girls smell. And he wasn't even wearing red! Sir said I must tell Wayne to get his priorities right, and I did. The banter is brlliant in Baden-Baden-Baden because Wayne told me to go "f*** yourself you snotty little c***". He's my favourite Scouser.

Mum says she won't fly out and bring my favourite pillow (boo). I protested the decision - but it doesn't work so well on the phone. I cried tonight because I miss her bedtime stories, especially when she reads Managing My Life and does Sir's voice.

I've asked David if he wants Gary Neville to do a rousing speech tomorrow. I brushed my moustache (a big job) in preparation and wrote something - 'I remember when rock was young - me and Susie had so much fun...' - but he said no. I like his hair now though.

Played pool with Frank. 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0 - I went to kiss my badge and do a sex action but I didn't have a badge because I wasn't wearing my jim-jams.

Saturday June 10
Gary Neville's England won and David was fantastic. But not as fantastic as me. I'm definitely the best right-back at this whole World Cup. Every manager must look at me and wish I was in their team. I expect Sir will have a lot of calls from people offering £10m or even £20m for me, but I will never leave the best team in the whole wide world ever ever.

As well as David, Rio was brilliant and I think he should have been man of the match. Instead it went to Frank and he wasted the champagne because he kept missing his mouth.

Gave Theo a Chinese burn after the game because Silly Billy Philly's not here.

Tuesday June 13
I cried today because everyone says I look like French frog Franck Ribery. But he's ugly and he doesn't even have a proper moustache.

Wednesday June 14
Sven says I can't play tomorrow because I've hurt my thigh. I didn't tell him I hurt it practising 'Rocket Man' with actions. The lads love my guitar-playing and say I should learn more songs. I had a special request for 'Touch My Bum' by the Cheeky Girls. I might do it in my jim-jams.

Thursday June 15
England were absolutely rubbish without Gary Neville, with that dirty Scouser Jamie Carragher (doesn't even have a 'tache) playing at right-back as if anyone can play there. It seems that Sven ignored my 3-5-2 formation suggestion to get round that 'who can replace Gary Neville at right-back?' question. David then played at right-back though and he was the second-best right-back I've ever, ever seen.

Sir told me to try and stop Wayne coming on, but he's bigger than me and threatened to knot the toggles of my jim-jams together while I was asleep.

Saturday June 17
The rest of the boys went to see their WAGs (like wagging tails on dogs, geddit?) so I did my Man United jigsaw while wearing my Man United kit. I gathered quite a crowd in the lobby - I'm definitely everybody's favourite England player.

Tuesday June 20
Sat on the bench again (boo) but at least Rio and Wayne came to sit with me in the second half, though Wayne was a little bit angry even when I offered him a bite of my Curly-Wurly. England were rubbish, especially Carragher, and only David and Rio were good at defending set-pieces. The whole defence falls apart without Gary's like having only one Krankie.

Michael hurt his knee. That's what you get for being Scouse.

Friday June 23
Back in training today. Told Sven that I'm ready to play against Equatorial New Guinea - up front if he needs me - but he says I should save myself. He knows he has a precious stone. Sir's not answering my calls anymore - he must have lost his phone. Can't wait to get back and give him his Baden-Baden-Baden tea-towel. And doilie.

Watched Frank take out three windows, four cars and one assistant coach (silly Tord) with his shooting practise.

Sunday June 25
This time the silly moose with the funny hair played at right-back! I'm so angry I could go on strike. He was rubbish and England were all rubbish apart from Rio and David and Wayne, who were brilliant. But thankfully for them Gary Neville will be back for the next game. I expect the papers back home have had prayer mats with pictures of my thigh for the England fans - some of which aren't even Man United fans despite the fact that we've won every Premiership title (nearly). Silly, silly monkeys.

Tuesday, June 27
I think I have the best moustache in Germany. Maybe not the bushiest right now (I've been stressed) but definitely the bestest.

Friday June 30
Played 'Touch My Bum' to a very excited audience tonight - not just the players, but the staff of the hotel, who all brought their friends. Everyone was smiling. If England are as successful tomorrow against Portugal it will all be over by half-time.

Must remember to ring mum and get her to tape the game - I always look so handsome when they play that song. I still don't know why they don't play 'Come on You Reds' or at least something by Simply Red. I shall ask that man Brian again.

Saturday July 1
It's not fair. It's just not fair. It's really, really, really not fair. How can they blame poor Cristiano when it was clearly that nasty Chelsea man who put his winkle in the way of poor Wayne's foot to get him sent off. I said some harsh words, I can tell you. Hope he didn't hear them.

David hurt himself and I was the captain - it nearly made me do a sex wee putting on that band that had been round David's strong arm. I was brilliant as captain. It's because I was captain that I didn't think I should take a penalty. Rio said it was because I was a scaredy-cat but it was really because I was being the captain. It's a shame because I would have scored the 11th one.

Of course, no Man United players missed penalties - just two dirty Scousers and Frank, who had taken an hour to hit his boot with his foot before the game.

The good news is that Wayne and Rio and me will be well rested for the real football.

Sunday July 2
I cried when David cried. I shall be captain now though. I shall need a bigger moustache. And some new jim-jams with a star like a sheriff. Bang bang.


Fabio Aurelio has signed, Mark Gonzalez has got his work permit, and according to the Spanish press, Liverpool have offered Real Betis €12m plus Jerzy Dudek, Antonio Barragan, and Bolo Zenden for Spanish International Joaquin.

Happy Days!? Can't wait for the bloody season to kick off. All we now need is an established right winger. Momo in his 2nd season should be immense I feel and Crouch, with his newfound confidence and robotics, alongside an intelligent striker in Bellamy plus any other that we sign; we should be able to mount a title challenge this time around!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Fabio Aurelio has signed?

Amusingly the
main site last night made a mistake... unless I'm wrong Aurelio hasn't been confirmed as a Liverpool player but this was the site:

Rafa Benitez tonight led colleagues and players Pako Ayestaran, Jose Manuel Ochotorena, Fabio Aurelio, Momo Sissoko and Eduardo Macia in sending condolences to those affected by today's train crash in Valencia.
At least 34 people are believed to have died in the underground train accident.

The Liverpool manager said: "We have many happy memories of our time in Valencia and want to send our condolences to the families and friends of those who lost their lives in this awful tragedy. They are very much in our thoughts and prayers at this difficult time."

"Tenemos muy buenos recuerdos de nuestra estancia en Valencia y queremos enviar nuestras condolencias a las familias y amigos de aquellos que perdieron la vida en este terrible accidente. Todos ellos están en nuestros pensamientos y oraciones en este momento tan difícil".

I understand that this was a terrible way to announce a player but woooo we got Aurelio

My condolences to those that are affected by this tragedy.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Babe of the Day: Angelica Bridges

Beginning of a new Era?

He inspired Boro to two unbelievable comebacks with a young side in the UEFA Cup. He holds victorys over the supposed big guns in th Premiership. 4-1 against United, 3-0 against Chelsea, etc.

The problem that he really lacked was consistency and that is mostly to do with the players. I truly believe that Macca is gonna do a terrific job. I think he has more balls and more sense than Sven. He is passionate, english, tactically aware and he has dealt with big time players before, whilst at United.

Lets look to the future, Lennon, Walcott, Ashton, Downing, Reo Coker, Carrick, A. Ferdinand, Young, etc...

He knows how we should play, and i'm sure he knows how to utilise the resources he has.

Add these to the players we've already got, we will still have an experienced side for the Euros. Lets think positive now. Look forward to the next new season and lets get behind the new gaffer!

Blame Game

Did rooney cost us the game? or was it Ronaldo? or better still Frank Lampard who couldn't even hit a barn door with a beach ball at the moment?

Wayne Rooney

Although I'm glad that Rooney is getting less shit than Beckham did in 98 (probably because he's younger and not as good looking as Beckham), I don't think he should be completely absolved of the blame. Rooney and all of the 20 stone of him standing on Carvalho's bollocks, definately looked intentional. Before that point Rooney had looked increasingly frustrated thanks to Sven's tactics which isolated him upfront.

If you look at the video above, he's barely off-balance at all there, standing on one leg with no real trouble balancing. He kicks back with the other one in a blatant attempt to get Carvalho, not necessarily in the balls, but to give him a sly little kick because he'd just been fouled himself. Straight red, no doubt, although the referee seem to have missed it or didn't think it was as serious from where he was.

Rooney though was stupid and lost his temper, lashed out, got sent off making it extremely difficult for his team-mates. It's not the first time he's had a strop and thrown all his toys out of the pram and he'll probably do it again in the not-too-distant future.

Ironically it was the only after the sending off of England's wonderboy for whom the nation had been praying for weeks, that we witnessed England's best performance of this World Cup.

Frank Lampard

Frank Lampard has been England's worst player this tournament. He should not have taken a penalty when his confidence was so shot (obviously) as it was. He should not have remained on the field in lieu of Joe Cole when a midfielder had to be removed. He made an absolute hash of an incredible, open chance on goal before Rooney's sending off. Away from his shooting, his passing was awful today. That is something that hasn't gotten enough attention. He was brutal all tournament with his distribution, and even his defensive clearences on one or two occasions. He was the worst player to play consistently for a favoured nation at this tournament. He would have been dropped by any other side after four terrible games.
All players have slumps. Fact. Lampard has let down himself, his teammates, his manager (who is at fault as well for his unjustified faith), his fellow professionals who voted for him as one of the world's top players (!), all non-English Chelsea fans who support their club's players internationally, his father, and his entire f**king Nation. Fact. I am absolutely gobsmacked how terrible he was in almost every minute of every match from start to finish of this tournament. It makes no sense to me, and I am just utterly distraught and sickened that a player - though always overrated - of such talent and quality could play so immensely terribly so consistently for such a long period of time, now. I can't believe how let down I am by Frank Lampard right now, and I know I don't speak only for myself.

Christiano Ronaldo (The fake one, they just call him that to sell more shirts)

What a prized cunt. I would pay to watch the scenes when he comes accross Rooney, the Neviller and Rio in the changing rooms at old trafford pre-season. The referee was in control of the situation and the only reason Mr. Cristiano came up to him was to get Rooney sent off, a point proven by him winking at the Portugal bench immediately afterwards as if to say 'Job done'. And looking at his sly headbutt at Rooney before kickoff (also in the above video) it does seem this was planned, doesn't it?

Sven Goran Erikkson

Not the brightest crayon in the box was he? His tactics have been all over the place and has looked clueless eversince he took charge. He didn't have the balls to drop Lampard when he was clearly our worst player, against the Sweden game at which point we had already qualified for the next round, or against the relatively easier Ecuadorian side. Had this been done and England played with the traditional 4-4-2, we might have actually seen some quality football with undeniable England's finest footballer, Steven Gerrard, in his preferred attacking role alongside Owen Hargreaves.

Even when Rooney seemed uncomfortable upfront on his own the Swede opted to sit Crouch on the bench who would've, if he had come on, pressurised defenders creating space for Rooney to operate from.

A word about Owen Hargreaves

England should now (hopefully with Mclaren in charge) revert to the 4-4-2 with Gerrard & Hargreaves in the middle who was absolutely immense. I admit haven't watched much of him as he plays his football in Germany but I never slated him either when he failed to put in decent performance in our earlier games, due to being played out of position. But on Saturday he shut a lot of people up with probably one of the best England performances you'll ever see by an England international. Well done fella. You were immense.

David Beckham - The End of a Childhood Dream

I have nothing but respect for this man.

David Beckham, the footballer, has been one of England's most valuable assets. A footballing genius, an inspirational leader, a man who took everything that was thrown his way and came out on top every single time, shutting people up with his performances on the pitch and you'd almost feel every time you tried to knock him down, he would get up even stronger. Admittedly he wasn't near his best form during the worldcup but it was his brilliance that saw us through Ecuador, and earlier, Paraguay.
Here's a look at his five greatest contributions in an England shirt.

Wait till you're back at OT, spunkchops.

Victoria Beckham

Two days after England being knocked out of the World Cup, the England Captain's missus was spotted on the beach - Topless

Joke of the Day

Lampard checks out of the England Team Hotel in Baden-Baden and the receptionist asks, "Where's your missus?"

He says, "Which one? The one against Portugal, the one against Ecuador, the one..."

MUST WATCH!! - On a lighter note:

10 Uses for your England Flag

Millions of England fans are waking up to unwanted flags on houses and cars. A few suggestions on what to do with them from
The Goose.

1. Use them to dry your eyes. Despite most flags being made from synthetic materials, typically woven polyester, some of them can be absorbent enough for your most lachrymose moments.

2. Continue to display your England flag with pride (part I). If anybody asks, point out England are still in the competition, Saturday was all just a bad dream, lightning never strikes so many times, it's going to be an England v Germany final. Place hands over ears and repeat "naa naa naa, I can't hear you".

3. If you're a Sun reader you could consider using the flags as stuffing for an effigy of the newly-crowned "least popular man in the Premiership" Cristiano Ronaldo. Don't burn it though as some polyester can give off pollutants.

Here are the rest

Who was this?

Were you the man (or woman) responsible for the England flag with 'Minge' written across it that the BBC producers focused on for just a second before realising their terrible error?

If you were, pop a picture of yourself with the offending article in an email and send it to the usual address with, erm, 'Minge' in the subject field.

In return,
Mediawatch will gladly send you every single piece of World Cup tat that has accumulated on our desk over the last few weeks, including a 'Phlat Ball', an 'England Hover Missile' and a 'Know the Score' World Cup guide with the F365 editor's shopping list on the inside cover. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
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