Saturday, September 03, 2005

Babe of the Day - Michelle Ryan

Visit the Michelle Ryan Photo Gallery at Babes of the Goose

Prayers, in search of True Love

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

I pray for a deaf mute nymphomaniac with big jugs who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a toss.

Art of Advertising: Its what YOU see thats important

advertising-art-5 advertising-art-4 advertising-art-3 advertising-art-2 advertising-art-1

Freudian Slip

On FOX NEWS (old but still good)

Jessica Simpson: Swimsuit Gallery

Jessica Simpson: Swimsuit Gallery
Jessica Simpson:'s Babe of the Day
Jessica Simpson: The Official Website

MAKE DAISY DUKE DANCE <----------- Hours of fun with your mouse

All you gotta do is send a pic, ANY pic with Jessica Simpson somewhere on it.
Checkout the photoshops others have sent in!

The United States of Shame [Maureen Dowd, NYT]

Shirt-sleeves rolled up, W. finally landed in Hell yesterday and chuckled about his wild boozing days in "the great city" of N'Awlins. He was clearly moved. "You know, I'm going to fly out of here in a minute," he said on the runway at the New Orleans International Airport, "but I want you to know that I'm not going to forget what I've seen." Out of the cameras' range, and avoided by W., was a convoy of thousands of sick and dying people, some sprawled on the floor or dumped on baggage carousels at a makeshift M*A*S*H unit inside the terminal.

Read the Full Editorial

Dear Mr. President...

An open letter from Michael Moore to George W Bush

The End Result of The American Dream?

At the Convention Centre frustration boiled over among the 20,000 packed inside — and there were even reports of gangs killing BABIES so they could take their places on rescue boats.

Police chief Eddie Compass sent in 88 officers to try to calm the angry mob at the Centre — but his men were beaten back.

He said: “We have individuals who are getting raped, we have individuals who are getting beaten. Tourists are walking in that direction and they are getting preyed upon.”

The death toll is expected to be in tens of thousands. There are reports of corpses on the streets being eaten by rats. There are reports of girls as young as 7, being raped.

We are witnessing a breakdown of a so called 'civil' and 'free' society in the face of one of the biggest tragedies ever witnessed by the USA.

Is this the end result of The American Dream? Looting, Rape, Murder, Rioting, Anarchy

And this is the country that wants to impose its values on everyone else, by force if necessary.

Its a crisis in full spate - as shown by shocking images of bodies floating in putrid water and desperate refugees scrabbling to catch supplies dropped by helicopter. America is the richest and most powerful country on earth. But its citizens, begging for food, water and help, are suffering agonies more familiar from Sudan and Niger. The worst of the third world has come to the Big Easy.

The words "homeland security" now have a terribly hollow ring in the anarchic south: 35% of Louisiana's National Guard is serving in Iraq, where four out of every 10 soldiers are guardsmen. And recruiting is down because people fear being sent to Iraq. The priority given to law and order seems a troubling inverse reflection of what happened after the fall of Baghdad. Is it really more important to use deadly force against looters than to deliver humanitarian aid effectively?

"These troops are battle-tested. They have M16s and are locked and loaded," she said. "These troops know how to shoot and kill and I expect they will."

Elemental forces do not take account of secular political timetables, but Katrina struck at a moment when the president's ratings were at a second-term low. Americans, especially the poor black people who are the hurricane's main victims, will need to see a much more effective government response to this natural weapon of mass destruction if Mr Bush's reputation is not to sink further as the killer floodwaters start to recede.

'It is incredible, the government had no evacuation plan ... the first power in the world and it left its own population adrift." It will be particularly galling that the man voicing those thoughts, echoed yesterday by many across the United States and around the world, was Hugo Chávez, the president of Venezuela, and one of the Bush administration's main hate figures.

Most disconcerting for those responsible for the relief effort is that it is not just Hugo Chávez who is expressing his amazement. Jack Cafferty, the CNN anchor known for his straight-talking, declared: "I remember the riots in Watts. I remember the earthquake in San Francisco. I remember a lot of things. I have never seen anything as badly handled as this situation in New Orleans. Where the hell is the water for these people? Why can't sandwiches be dropped to those people in that Superdome down there? It's a disgrace. And don't think the world isn't watching."

Maybe, and again its just a thought, the rescue & relief efforts would've been more of an acceptable standard and maybe the lives of tens of thousands of people would've been saved if the President of the US of A wasn't so preoccupied with his wars for oil.

Bush let the American people down badly once again, only this time it hurts much more.

Our thoughts go out to the families of the victims of this tragedy.

Gender Differences

• If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Sh*t-Head and Four-eyes.

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

• A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

• Women love cats.
• Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secretfears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

• Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

What a woman says:

C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean.Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.

What a man hears:
C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW

Friday, September 02, 2005

What elz can you do with...

Following on from our Other Uses of Coke post, here's a list of stuff you can do with Smirnoff Vodka.

Keep aphids off houseplants. Wash aphids off houseplants with tap water, then dab the leaves with a cotton ball dipped in Smirnoff Vodka. Do not use alcohol on delicate plants like African violets.

Shine chrome and glass bathroom fixtures. Soak a soft, clean cloth with Smirnoff Vodka and shine.

Remove hair spray from mirrors. Soak a soft, clean cloth with Smirnoff Vodka and wipe mirrors clean.

Clean crystal and porcelain ornaments. Dampen a cloth with Smirnoff Vodka and carefully clean the knickknacks.

Clean the caulking around bathtubes. Fill a spray bottle with Smirnoff Vodka, spray the caulking, wait five minutes, and wash clean.

Clean a chandelier. Spray the chandelier with a solution of four teaspoons Smirnoff Vodka in one pint water, then let it drip dry over a plastic sheet.

Clean eyeglass lenses. Simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened in Smirnoff Vodka.

Remove grass stains from clothes. Rub the stain with a clean cloth soaked in Smirnoff Vodka, then rinse thoroughly.

Clean jewelry. Soak the jewelry in Smirnoff Vodka for five minutes, then rinse, and dry.

Clean lipstick from clothing. Rub the stain with Smirnoff Vodka, then throw into your regular wash.

Remove the glue left behind by a bumper sticker. Rub the glue with a soft, clean cloth soaked with Smirnoff Vodka.

More Wacky Uses of Other Stuff from Look at This

Joke of the Day

A fairy told a married couple: “For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish.”

“I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband”, said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic wand and - abracadabra! - two tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So… I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.

The Fairy made a circle with her magic wand and - abracadabra!

Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

Moral: Men might be bastards.

But fairies are… female.

Think about it...

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do pilots take crash courses?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toad stool?
How can there be self help "groups"?
How do you get off a nonstop flight?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear ear muffs?

Winner: Streaker of the Year

Meet Suzie...

I arrived at the car-park a few minutes early (at about 9.20pm) to find several cars already parked waiting. By 9.30 there were 7 cars all with nervous looking guys sat behind the wheel! I was dressed as promised in a very short white mini-skirt, stockings, suspender belt, boots and lace top.

As the interior light of my car went on the guys slowly approached. On seeing the first guy (Becks, you looked gorgeous!) I wound down the window and proceeded to suck the first cock of the evening.

I was sat in the passenger seat of the car with my partner, David, in the drivers seat holding the video camera (careful not to get any faces other than mine in shot!) . As I recieved my first mouthful of fresh semen David produced an empty drinking glass and told me to dribble the spunk out into it. It was at this moment I realised what he was going to get me to do later - drink all the guys spunk at once from the glass!

The Diary of Suzie


AFP Removes Photo

To our readers: This photo was removed from Yahoo! News at the request of AFP.

Yahoo! News statement on photo language controversy.

To Yahoo! News readers:

News photos are an especially popular section of Yahoo! News. In part, this is because we present thousands of news photos from some of the leading news services, including The Associated Press, Reuters, and Agence France Press. To make this volume of photos available in a timely manner, we present the photos and their captions as written, edited and distributed by the news services with no additional editing at Yahoo! News.

In recent days, a number of readers of Yahoo! News have commented on differences in the language in two Hurricane Katrina-related photo captions (from two news services). Since the controversy began, the supplier of one of the photos – AFP – has asked all its clients to remove the photo from their databases. Yahoo! News has complied with the AFP request.

Here are a few of the postings that have commented on the photo caption language:


Yahoo! News regrets that these photos and captions, viewed together, may have suggested a racial bias on our part. We remain committed to bringing our readers the full collection of photos as transmitted by our wire service partners.

Neil Budde
General Manager
Yahoo! News

See post below

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Racism from Yahoo?

Read the captions, carefully.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Babe of the Day - Tiffany Mulheron

The Tiffany Mulheron Gallery

Thanks to the one and only,
Babes of The Goose

Joke of the Day

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, Chris, he went to the store."

"Well, do you mind if I wait?"

"No, come on in."

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."

Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Listen to 'The Special One'

Jose Mourinho's halftime team talk from last week's game has been recorded and leaked onto the interweb. Check it out

13 Reasons...

...Why Men Love Football

Pamela Anderson - Would you hit it?

A collection of some FHM Covers featuring Ms. Anderson

Brett Lee Video

I've tried to keep this blog cricket free so far but we gotta congratulate England on the way they've played so far and hope that Ashes will be coming home.

Meanwhile, here's a video of Brett Lee I found on the interweb - He's walking into the LCCC ground and there's a fan who wants to shake his hand. As a cricket commentator would say, Brett Lee didn't quite see it coming.

Watch the Video

Blogs of the Week

You've gotta check out these two blogs I stumbled upon the other day,

COOLIO'S - and

Excellent content and some great links to keep you busy!

Blogs of the Week will be a new feature where me or benny will post a couple of links to some of the excellent blogs out there who deserve to be checked out. A lot of hard work goes into finding and creating content that people will appreciate and I think needs to be rewarded by a bit of publicity.

There are some more brilliant blogs that we have linked in the past few days, you can find them in the Blogroll on the right. Check them out.

If you've seen something that we should link to, you can let us know by email or by leaving it in the comments.

Owen to Join Toon Army

Michael Owen has astounded us and all other right-thinking football folk by agreeing to sign a four-year contract at Newcastle after talks with the club yesterday. Owen also had talks with Liverpool but the Reds were unwilling to match the Toon's £17m bid.

The BENNY C Column

Well, after all the will he? wont he? it appears that young Michael has decided to join Newcastle on a 4 year deal. Funny how things work out eh? It's nice to see that he isn't just ditching Real (yes that's Real Madrid for those at the back) for a chance to play in the world cup. (Ironically, not dissimilar to the way he ditched Liverpool - at least this time he made his feelings known)

I'm not sure it's the best idea for the lad though, I think that many defences in the Premier league now have the measure of Owen ( why do you think none of the "big 3" went in for him?) and his role may be largely ineffective. ( But Ben, I hear you cry, he is a great striker and surely this is great for England?)

I feel that Newcastle will always struggle while Freddy Shepherd is sticking his oar in. Yes he is a die hard Geordie, and no doubt loves the club but he should leave the footballing decisions to those that know what they are doing. (Not sure if Souness counts either - unless you want a team of violent thugs. Hey, wait a minute?)

A big name does not automatically assure success (Kluivert anyone?)

Newcastle are reportedly paying £17 million for the 25 year old because Liverpool refuse to budge on any more than £8 mill. What were they thinking? Not paying over the odds for a player we sold under a year ago? Must be crazy.

Well, I for one, wish him luck at his new club, and may he spend many happy years there (of course, until next time a bigger club gets interested)

And now that is all over let's get back to business........

Babe of the Day - Abi Titmuss

Updates on the Owen saga, Djibril Cisse and Warnock

Its always good when a player from your club is picked for the England side. Not only is it a recognition of their talents, but it does help the individuals themselves as they get to learn from some of the best players England has to offer, while doing wonders for their confidence.

I'm happy Warnock got picked. Eversince I watched him play in his first game I really thought he was someone for the future. He's always impressed me, but then again so did Josemi in his first game, who apparently will feature a lot more in Rafa's plans this season.

"Josemi can be an important player for us. He is a good player, an aggressive player, and he is getting more used to English football now." says

Michel Owen saga continues with no clear end in sight. He's in England as we speak which means he's definately on the way back. Whether its to the Geordies or to his beloved Anfield, is still unlcear.

Owen was at
St. James' Park today, to hold talks over a move to Newcastle, who are desperate to beat rivals Liverpool to his signature.

Reports suggest Real have already in principle accepted their offer of £16 million, while Liverpool are not prepared to pay more than the £8 million they sold him for last season, and quite rightly so.

From my understanding, Rafa's trying to keep the pressure on Real as they realise they will have to offload him within the next 2 days. Newcastle's offer doesn't really make much of a difference right now as Owen has clearly said he doesn't fancy the toon. If Owen hadn't objected to this, the deal would've been done and dusted but as we've already seen in Baros' case, where Liverpool were offered £8.5 million by Lyon but sold to Villa for 2 million less just cuz Baros' doesn't fancy Houllier too much, Owen's statement comes at a crucial time.

Ofcourse 16 million sounds more tempting, but if it can't be done than you'll take the next best offer as long as you aint looking like a pratt.

Now, here's the worst part. Liverpool are owed 8 million by Real over Owen's transfer last year... Which means they will only have to fork out 4 million. And even out of that, they can put down 1 million now and pay the rest over 3-4 years. Rumors suggest that to fund this deal (and the possibe purchases of a defender and a winger), Liverpool are preparing to sell Cisse.

I'm not sure if I'm entirely in favour of this, specially after Cisse's matchwinning performance on Friday. He's someone who WANTS to play for Liverpool. He's married a local girl and bought a big-fuck-off mansion to settle in and got married in a RED suit for gods sakes. The guy aint short of passion and the way he's been this season for us aint too bad for someone who nearly had his leg amputated last year.

In my season's predictions earlier this month, I said I expected him to score 20+ this season and I hope to God it aint for someone else.

Owen's excellent, but we've proved last year we can do without him. I'd love to see him play for us but at the expense of Cisse? Not too sure.

However, I do believe that the man who got us the holy grail of European club football with probably the weakest Liverpool team in past years, will make the right decisions for us.

In Rafa We Trust.

Nice eye Reds striker: Nice are plotting a loan raid on Liverpool for Florent Sinama-Pongolle.
Souey fears Reds over Owen: Graeme Souness feels the move for Michael Owen could be scuppered by Liverpool.
Kuyt to stay at Feyenoord
Roma snub Reds' Mexes bid
Marseilles hopeful of Cisse deal
Spurs fail in £8 million Cisse bid

Monday, August 29, 2005

Some more things that you never knew

These ones are even betta! Stuff like pigs can't look directly up into the sky, butterflies smell with their feet and if you shaved a camel it would die.

There's even better ones on

Game of the Day

Keep hittin X & Z and watch her strip

Video: Crushing Beer Cans With Boobs

A woman with very big boobs crushes beer cans

Couldn't have made it up!

A Wanaka (Somewhere in Kiwi Land) man may have had the wool pulled over his eyes after he called 111 to report he had woken up to find a sheep in his bed, police say.

Senior Constable Ian Henderson said the 19-year-old man sounded rather traumatised when he contacted police at 2.21am on Wednesday.

"He said he had woken up to find a sheep sleeping in his bed and he was sure it was pregnant."

Police did not ask how the young man came to that conclusion.

Rather than asking the sheep to leave, the man did the gentlemanly thing -
he left her to sleep in the bed and he spent the rest of the night on the couch, Mr Henderson said.

However, when he checked on her the next morning, it appeared his bed mate had hoofed it some time during the night and she was no where to be found.

A scene check by police later that morning failed to find any trace of the sheep. "There certainly wasn't any dags, wool or hoof marks in the bed."

The complainant could not identify any distinguishing marks on the sheep, making tracking the animal difficult, Mr Henderson said.

Mt Iron Station is about 500m from the man's flat, but no sheep have been reported missing.

The man has admitted being very intoxicated that night.

Police said there were no further inquiries to be made as the man was feeling sheepish enough.

"I've told him I think his flatmates may have played a prank and suggested he give up the drink."


Rude Town/Street Names

A few days back, we did a post on some Austrian town called 'FUCKING' who were having problems with their signs.

As it happens, we shouldn't look further from home when it comes to towns with rude names. Did you know that there's actually a street called Licky End in Worcestershire? Or Titty Ho in Northamptonshire?

Here's a list of the 100 rudest street/town names in Britain.

100 Jeffries Passage, Surrey
99 Prince Albert Court, Surrey
98 Nork Rise, Surrey
97 Brown Willy, Cornwall
96 Great Tosson, Northumberland
95 Trump Street, London
94 St. Mellons, Cardiff
93 Percy Passage, London
92 Booty Lane, North Yorkshire
91 Nether Wallop, Hampshire
90 Honeypot Lane, Leicestershire
89 Mudchute, London
88 Juggs Close, East Sussex
87 Cockermouth Green, Newcastle
86 Six Mile Bottom, Cambridgeshire
85 Cock and Bell Lane, Suffolk
84 Little Bushey Lane, Hertfordshire
83 Titlington Mount, Northumberland
82 Slippery Lane, Staffordshire
81 Hooker Road, Norwich
80 Cumloden Court, Dumfries and Galloway
79 Tinkerbush Lane, Oxfordshire
78 Ugley, Essex
77 Pratts Bottom, Kent
76 Ramsbottom Lane, Greater Manchester
75 Prickwillow, Cambridgeshire
74 Old Sodbury, Gloucestershire
73 Upper Dicker, East Sussex
72 Swell, Somerset
71 Bladda, Paisley
70 Snatchup, Hertfordshire
69 Spital in the Street, Lincolnshire
68 Shingay cum Wendy, Buckinghamshire
67 Pump Alley, Middlesex
66 Old Sodom Lane, Wiltshire
65 Long Lover Lane, Halifax
64 East Breast, Inverclyde
63 Dicks Mount, Suffolk
62 Staines , Surrey
61 Crapstone, Devon
60 Three Cocks, Powys
59 Feltwell, Norfolk
58 Pant, Shropshire
57 Balls Cross, West Sussex
56 Ogle Close, Merseyside
55 Friars Entry, Oxfordshire
54 North Piddle, Worcestershire
53 Mincing Lane, London
52 Bottoms Fold, Lancashire
51 Backside Lane, Oxfordshire
50 Winkle Street, Southampton
49 Wham Bottom Lane, Lancashire
48 Upperthong, West Yorkshire
47 Tosside, Lancashire
46 The Furry, Cornwall
45 Lower Swell, Gloucestershire
44 Lickers Lane, Merseyside
43 Honey Knob Hill, Wiltshire
42 Boghead, Ayrshire
41 The Bush, Buckinghamshire
40 Hill o'Many Stanes, Scotland
39 Grope Lane, Shropshire
38 Willey, Warwickshire
37 Happy Bottom, Dorset
36 Feltham Close, Hampshire
35 The Knob, Oxfordshire
34 Menlove Avenue, Liverpool
33 Titty Ho, Northamptonshire
32 Crotch Cresent, Oxfordshire
31 Blairmuckhole & Forestdyke road, Lanarkshire
30 Pant-y-Felin Road, Swansea
29 Beef Lane, Oxfordshire
28 Merkins Avenue, West Dumbartonshire
27 Pork Lane, Essex
26 Moisty Lane, Staffordshire
25 Wetwang, East Yorkshire
24 Scratchy Bottom, Dorset
23 Swallow Passage, London
22 Lickey End, Worcestershire
21 Bitchfield, Lincolnshire
20 Spanker Lane, Derbyshire
19 Rimswell, East Riding of Yorkshire
18 Lickfold, West Sussex
17 Dick Court, Lanarkshire
16 Beaver Close, Surrey
15 Fanny Avenue, Derbyshire
14 Cockshoot Close, Oxfordshire
13 Inchinnan Drive, Renfrewshire
12 Fanny Hands Lane, Lincolnshire
11 Hole of Horcum, North Yorkshire,
10 Slag Lane, Merseyside
9 Shitterton, Dorset
8 Back Passage, London
7 Fingringhoe, Essex
6 Muff, Northern Ireland
5 Sandy Balls, Hampshire
4 Twatt, Orkney
3 Bell End, Birmingham
2 Minge Lane, Worcestershire

And the no.1 rudest place name in Britain is

1 Cocks, Cornwall

Aircraft 'oops'!

More amazing ones
Look here!


Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a southwest airlines employee: "there may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."

2. Pilot: "folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "thank you for flying delta business express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a northwest flight announced: "please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a southwest airlines employee: "welcome aboard southwest flight xxx to yyy. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

7. "weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and, remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest airlines."

8. "your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. But please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "we are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the pa and announced, "ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less-than-perfect landing: "we ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "thanks for flying xyz airline." he said that in light of the bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in phoenix, the flight attendant got on the pa and said, "ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "we'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Listen up!

Okay I've been a bit slow in posting in the past couple of days and most of its been about Liverpool, so for all of our non-football type audience, we'll be having a big update this evening and will try for more consistency from now on.

Meanwhile, if you're new here, Welcome to This is a Liverpool Football Club 'themed' blog about Me and Benny writing about some of our fucked up experiences, posting shit we find on the interweb, women with big tits and some anti-war stuff. Marky Mark was with us for a while but he's disappeared.
Let us know who you are and where you found us (we've just been linked by a porn site too).

If you want to exchange a link, you can email me on the details somewhere on the right of this page. If your link's disappeared from here (I've updated them a few days ago) let me know and I will link you back.


Sunday, August 28, 2005

STILL Laughing at Everton!

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