Saturday, July 23, 2005

Babe of the Day - Paris Hilton

Come on, you know you would! blatantly!

Here's the

Between the lines

Dictionary for Women's Personal Ads

Adventurous................. .....Slept with everyone
Athletic..........................No boobs
Average looking...................Ugly
Beautiful.........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure................On medication
Free spirit.......................Junkie
Friendship first..................Former slut
New-Age............ ..............Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned.....................No BJs
Outgoing...................... ...Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...................Stalker

Dilbert's Laws of Work

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
- To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- Following the rules will not get the job done.
- Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
- No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
- The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Dilbert's Practical Jokes for the Office

Prank #1:
Using the conferencing feature of your office phone, dial one Induhvidual, then while it's ringing dial another and conference them together. Put your own phone on mute and listen to see how long they'll make small talk before figuring out that neither one placed the call.

Prank #2:
Microsoft Word has an autocorrect spelling function in its latest version. This function automatically corrects spelling mistakes as you type. The wonderful part of it is that you can add words to the autocorrect dictionary...including words that do not exist. If your co-worker leaves his computer unsecure, you're home free. For example, you could set it up so that the boss's first name, Bob, is autocorrected to Boob whenever the Induhvidual types it. Or set paradigm to autocorrect to "puredumb." If you're good, you can get your co-worker disciplined for sexual harassment plus any number of diversity-related violations.

Prank #3:
Get a greeting card that plays an insidious tune. Wrap the musical chip in cotton and tape it in on top of a ceiling tile in the victim's office. Make it quiet enough that the victim only hears it when it's especially silent. Act like he's crazy when he asks you if you hear music.

Prank #4:
Put an official-looking sign over the control pad of your office fax or copy machine that says it is now voice activated. The sign should direct the users to say their full name in a loud, crisp voice (for tracking purposes of course) followed by the desired commands, e.g., "This is Bruce Induhvidual, give me ten copies, no staple."

Prank Report:
An Induhvidual left his e-mail account online after he left work. The next day his boss asked him why he sent a message asking to take a shower with him in the locker room. The pranked Induhvidual could not remember sending out the e-mail containing that suggestion.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Red Faces over United Prank

MANCHESTER United have launched an investigation after a prankster tampered with a giant neon sign at the Old Trafford stadium to spell out CUNT.

The sign - which normally highlights the club's name - stand dozens of feet above Sir Matt Busby's statue.

The sign was corrected after the M.E.N. alerted the club about the vandalism.

Manchester United played down suggestions the prank was connected to anger over the club's recent takeover. They said it was a workman's joke.

A spokesman said: "We have had contractors in doing work on the stadium. It seems someone has messed with plugs at the back of the lights as a prank.

"We would like to apologise to anyone that took offence - the sign now proudly says Manchester United again."

I say they should've left it like that.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Babe of the Day - Kelly Brook

Pride of Britain Series II: Kelly Brook, officially the SEXIEST woman in the world. Fit as fuck.

Here's THREE of her Photo Galleries.
Kelly Brook: Babes of The Goose
Kelly Brook: Fans Gallery
Kelly Brook: Beauty Beyond Belief

Complete list of FHM's 100 SEXIEST women in the world

New Liverpool Team Photo

Another 'Photoshop my mate PLEASEEEE' Thread

'This funny looking thing lived with me this year and has decided to move out because he thinks he's been bullied. Thing is he's taking our washing machine with him claiming its his (which it is but thats beside the point)leaving us having to buy a new one. Bastard!! I'm shit on photo shop so I'm handing it over to you. Rest assured the good ones will be stuck up at Huddersfield uni and pictures confirming this will be posted on here at a later date'

Lets see the results shall we?

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Crouch = Henry, says Carradona

JAMIE Carragher believes new team-mate Peter Crouch deserves to be bracketed in the same league as Thierry Henry after his whirlwind start to the year.

The 24-year-old striker today sealed a £7million move to Liverpool and joined the competition for places at Anfield.
[Full Story] Crouch speaks to .tv

Ten Facts About Peter Crouch

Peter was born in Macclesfield on January 30, 1981.

He started his career at Tottenham Hotspur but after failing to make an impression at White Hart Lane he moved to Queens Park Rangers in 2000.

He then had a spell with Portsmouth and scored 18 goals in 37 appearances.

Crouch then had spells with Aston Villa and Norwich City before joining Southampton in 2004.

Crouch stands at a very tall six foot seven.

In a relegated Southampton team Crouch was the Saints leading scorer with 16 goals from 24 starts.

Crouch scored against Liverpool in a 2-0 win for Southampton at St Mary's Stadium last season in January 2005.

Crouch has six England under-21 caps and one goal.

Crouch was then handed his England debut on the summer tour of the USA in May 2005 and set up a goal for Michael Owen against Colombia.

Crouch follows in a long line of players to play for both Southampton and Liverpool. The list includes Bruce Grobbelaar, Kevin Keegan, Mark Wright, Sammy Lee, Jimmy Case, Jimmy Melia, Neil Ruddock, David Speedie, Barry Venison, Mark Walters and Jamie Redknapp.

Ken Livingstone has big balls

There will probably be demands of resignation from the far right / jewish lobby for his latest comments regarding the middle-east situation but I admire the guy for once again speaking his mind.

As for what he's said is fuckin spot on. Thats what almost everyone outside the US and the UK feels, and most of all the Arab countries.

If there's anything you read today, make sure its
this article

Another WTF moment!

'Reflecting' on your 'cock' ups

Following on from the 'How not to take a picture of your Cat' post, here's another great example of 'How not to take a picture of your Monitor

Liverpool 3 - 0 TNS

Steven Gerrard scored twice inside a minute late on as Liverpool cruised comfortably into the Champions League second qualifying round.

Djibril Cisse gave Liverpool a first-half lead, and Didi Hamman had a penalty saved by Ged Doherty.
[Match Report]

2501149 2501225 2501224 741803507
Match Photos: Click to Enlarge

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Babe of the Day - Cheryl Tweedy

Pride of Britain Series Part I [Full Picture Gallery]

Check this out

Joke of the Day

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his serat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eage to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business".

I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard ... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy

This is some sick shit

Advertising message of the Day

Kitten Cannon!

Incredibly Cruel and Addictive! Play Kitten Cannon and post your scores!

FAO: Liverpool Fans: Little Johnny asks his dad...

A few years ago when we won the treble, you probably all saw the story that did the rounds about little Johnny asking his dad to tell him all about the Liverpool treble of 2001. Well I’ve decided to bring the story up to date...

The year is 2007 and little bluenose Everton fan Duncan is talking to his bluenose Everton fan Dad.

SON “Dad, my mates in school told me that Liverpool won the European Cup for the 5th time in 2005 – are they right dad?

DAD “Yes son, it’s true, but they were dead lucky son, all the way through the tournament”

SON “Why dad?”

DAD “Well in the group stages …..”

SON “What dad, did they have a team from Azerbaijan, Israel, and Ireland in their group?”

DAD “Well no, they had Monaco, Deportivo la Coruna, and Olympiakos”

SON “Well they still sound like 3 easy teams to me dad”

DAD “Actually Monaco reached the final the year before, Olympiakos had won their league 7 times out of the previous 8 seasons, and Deportivo finished above the galacticos of Real Madrid in their league”.

SON “Jeez dad, that sounds like quite a difficult group then”.

DAD “yeh I suppose your right son, but they were still lucky – it took a mishit shot by Gerrard against Olympiakos to get through”.

SON “oh is that the goal were your hero Andy Gray goes berserk shouting “you beauty, you beauty, what a hit son, what a hit!!!!”

DAD “yes son it is”

SON “oh ok. Well what happened in the last 16 dad, who did they draw?”

DAD “Bayer Leverkusen”

SON “Bayer who?”

DAD “Exactly son, but they had beaten Real Madrid 3-0 at home, and won their group that included Dinamo Kiev and Roma too.”

SON “bloody hell dad, they sound good”.

DAD “yes, I suppose you’re right son”

SON “so did they win on away goals or something”

DAD ”errrrr, no, they won both legs 3-1 each”

SON “oh – well who next then dad”

DAD “Juventus”

SON “How the fuck did they get past them Dad?”

DAD “Well they did – they won 2-1 at home, and cruised to a 0-0 away draw without Juve having hardly any chances”.

SON “were Juve shit at that time – had all their decent players gone or something?”

DAD “well actually they still had players like Del Piero, Nedved, Ibrahimovic, Thuram, and Buffon in the side. And they won Serie A a few weeks later.”

SON “wow, they beat the Italian champions elect – which piss easy team did they get in the semi then?”

DAD “Chelsea”

SON “Chelsea – for f#cks sake – what a piss easy draw – they’ve won nothing, Everton have won more than them”.

DAD “well that season they won the Premiership and League Cup but the Red shite didn’t let them score in 180 minutes of football”

SON “Jesus Christ – so Liverpool beat the English Champions elect too”

DAD “yes son, they bloody well did”.

SON “so after all that I suppose all the good teams had been knocked out”

DAD “not quite son, AC Milan awaited them in the final”

SON “no way – aren’t they the 2nd most successful team in the competition’s history”.

DAD “yes son they are”

SON “so were Liverpool lucky because Milan had all their good players out with injuries”

DAD “no – they had Shevchenko, Crespo, Maldini, Nesta, Cafu, Kaka, Stam, Dida, Gattuso, Pirlo, and Seedorf”.

SON “your ‘avin a laff”

DAD “it gets worse son, Milan were cruising 3-0 up at half-time”.

SON “what happened, did they have 3 men sent off in the second half – how did Liverpool get back into the game?”

DAD “no, Milan had no men sent off, the Red shite scored 3 goals in 6 minutes”

SON “against the best defence in Europe”

DAD “yes!!!, against the best defence in Europe”

SON “so what happened next - extra time?”

DAD “yes son, and Dudek made the luckiest save ever to stop a Shevchenko shot from a yard”

SON “why was it lucky dad – did it hit him on the arse, nose, shoulder or something”

DAD “no son, his hand”

SON “well aren’t goalies meant to save shots with their hands”

DAD “yeah but that’s besides the point”

SON “then what”

DAD “penalties!”

SON “English teams are crap at penalties”

DAD “not this fuckin time they weren’t – they only missed one. And that’s how Liverpool became the luckiest team to win the European Cup”.

SON “but I bet when they brought the cup home there was hardly anyone to watch as all Liverpool fans live anywhere but Liverpool you say. How many was there, 5,,000 or so?”

DAD “1 million people lined the streets”.

SON ”so let’s get this straight dad – Liverpool had 3 good teams in their group, they then knocked out a team who had beaten Real Madrid 3-0, they then knocked out the future Serie A champions, then knocked out the future Premiership champions, before coming back from 3-0 down to beat the 2nd most successful club in Europe. And then the whole population of Liverpool came out to welcome them home!!!!

DAD “that about sums it up son”

SON “dad?”

DAD “yes son”

SON “can I have a Liverpool shirt for my birthday next week, and can you stop calling me Duncan – I’m Stevie from now on”

Monday, July 18, 2005

Why Iraq has Made Us Less Safe.

TIME: Daniel Benjamin

Sir Ivor Roberts, Britain's Ambassador to Italy, declared last September that the "best recruiting sergeant for al-Qaeda" was none other than the U.S. President, George W. Bush. With the American election entering its final furlongs, he added, "If anyone is ready to celebrate the eventual re-election of Bush, it is al-Qaeda."

The remarks, made at an off-the-record conference, were leaked in the Italian press, and Sir Ivor, facing the displeasure of his Foreign Office masters for committing the sin of candor, disowned the comments. But now, as the soot settles in the London Underground, the words hang again in the air.

It is, of course, bad manners to point the finger at anyone but those responsible for the killings in London. They shed the blood; they must answer for it. But as the trail of bodies that began with the first bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993 continues to lengthen, we need to ask why the attacks keep coming. One key reason is that Osama bin Laden's "achievements" in standing up to the American colossus on 9/11 have inspired others to follow his lead. Another is that American actions--above all, the invasion and occupation of Iraq--have galvanized still more Muslims and convinced them of the truth of bin Laden's vision.

Supporting the US-led invasion of Iraq put the UK more at risk from terrorist attack, a report has said.

The Royal Institute of International Affairs and the Economic and Social Research Council report also said the invasion boosted al-Qaeda.

The report, coming days after the London Tube and bus bombings, said support of the US-led Iraq war
made attacks more likely.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

From the Nike Trafford Ball Park

This guy over at the Football 365 Forum just pointed out that every match the Mancs play next season, they won´t be able to shout their "United" anymore without opposition supporters shouting "States".

Football Funnies

Joke of the Day - Benny C

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasise and should bring on an orgasm".

They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", he says to the husband, "let’s try it reversed". Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck? THAT’S how you wave a towel!"

Babe of the Day - Rose McGowan

Bayer Leverkusen 0 - 3 Liverpool (Friendly)

Liverpool stepped up their pre-season preparations as two goals from Djibril Cisse and a second half strike from Milan Baros secured an impressive 3-0 victory over Bayer Leverkusen in Austria this evening.

The Reds were fully deserving of their win as they again coasted to victory over one of the sides they so memorably defeated on their way to Champions League glory last season.
[Read More]

Women Are Mindless - Fact!

Benny C

Ola folks,

Well, between people trying to blow up members of my family, a phone line cut off and a stroppy computer I have been unable to get online for the past week.

Anyway, a little piece of news I found some time ago that some of you may find interesting:

Women's Brains Really Are Blown By Orgasms

An orgasm is literally a mind-blowing experience for a woman, scientists have revealed.Much of her brain shuts down when she reaches a sexual climax.

The discovery was made during experiments in the Netherlands when couples' brains were scanned during lovemaking.

Neuroscientist Dr Gert Holstege, from the University of Groningen said it appeared that shutting down the brain during orgasm ensured that obstacles such as fear and stress did not get in the way.

"When you are fearful or have a very high level of anxiety, then it's hard to have sex because during sex you really have to give yourself and let go."

Men were studied in the same way but because the male orgasm typically takes such a short time it was difficult to obtain meaningful brain scan data.

A total of 13 women and 11 men, ranging in age from 19 to 49, took part in the experiments at Dr Holstege's laboratory.

Since it was vital to remain completely still in the scanner, volunteers had to have their heads restrained while being stimulated.

The rest of the body was free to move.

Participants lay naked on a table with their head inside the scanner - but had to wear socks to avoid cold feet.

And there could be a connection with the aphrodisiac effect of alcohol.

"Alcohol brings down the fear level," said Dr Holstege. "Everyone knows if you give alcohol to a woman it makes things easier."

So it's true. At some points (good points though. Don't fight it.) all you women really are a bit mental.

Any ladies out there wanting to test this theory please let us know. I'm sure all here at "This is Anfield" would be happy to help.
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