Saturday, April 09, 2005

Israeli Soldiers Shoot Dead Three Palestenian Teenagers

Israeli soldiers have shot dead three Palestinian teenagers on the edge of a refugee camp in southern Gaza.

Witnesses say they were killed trying to retrieve a football in a no-go area near the Egypt border; the Israeli army says it is investigating the report.

It is the most serious such incident since Israeli and Palestinian leaders declared a ceasefire in February.

Hours later, Palestinians fired mortars at Jewish settlements in Gaza, without causing any injuries.

The Palestinian Authority called the killings a "serious violation" of the truce.

This is what breeds suicide bombers. Imagine if it was someone related to you who was shot dead like that. Imagine if there was no way you could file charges against the killer or do anything to get back at them. Imagine if you tried, they would threaten you or bulldoze your house. What option are they leaving the Palestinians?

Isrealis, sorry to say, deserve every bit of what they're getting.

Type of alcohol and your personality

Seven London City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years... Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Then there is the male addendum; the deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Good Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give two shit's about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.

White Zin: He's gay.

This is supposed to look like me.

Well the hair and specs are the same... they didn't have the exact kinda goatee that I've got but this one's kinda close... the nose is a bit fucked up though. Close enough. Checkout this website, it lets you create an animated avatar and embed it onto your webpage. The best thing is, you can record your voice and the avatar thingy will speak and say wotever you want to say.

Babe of the Day - Cat Deeley

Useful Fact about Ms. Deeley - She can fit her entire wrist in her mouth. Very useful indeed...

Here's the Gallery

If you're thinking about Suicide...

The San Diego Fires

One of the best ever CNN pranks.

Thursday, April 07, 2005


Real women don't understand the offside rule.

Babe of the Day - Penelope Cruz

That's the kinda woman you wanna be waking up next to on a daily basis and you'd never get tired of it. I know I won't.

Anyway here's the Gallery


Two old Irishmen were sitting at the local pub drinking a few beers. So Tommy says to George, "George me buddy ol' pal. When I die could you pour a couple of beers o'er me grave?"

George says, "Why certainly, but could I pour it through me bladder first?

Chav and Proud?

'My name's Danny and I is a gansta with a top screwface like. My manor is round the Stanz and I don't take no messing from any blood unless he is bigger than me. Then I get my top screwface on and front him out cuz most of these gangstas are wannabes and pussys and not real like me. I is a real gangsta man. I nicked phones and broken into old ladies houses and everything man. If you've beef with who I am then go fuck yourself like.'

Take the Chav Test

Football Anagrams

Here's a selection of the best football anagrams. Feel free to add yours!

Alex Ferguson
Sex organ fuel

Andy Gray
Randy Gay

Bob Taylor
A Tory Blob

Charlton Athletic
Halt technical rot


Claus Jensen
Uncle's Jeans

Crystal Palace
Crap alley cats

David Ginola
A livid gonad
vagina dildo

David Lee
Evil Dead

Dennis Bergkamp
Pink German beds

Fabrizio Ravanelli
Evil Brazilian afro

Francis Lee
Nice Flares

Gareth Southgate
Treat to huge shag

George Best
Go get beers

Gudni Bergsson
Undressing bog
Guns on bridges

Karlheinz Reidle
He killer red Nazi

Maine Road
I Am A Drone
A Dire Moan
No! I Am A Red

Manchester City
I'm Shy, Can't Erect Synthetic cream

Manchester United
Urine detachments
The Entrained Scum
Stained hen rectum
Scum need the train

Leicester City
Electric Yetis

Match Of The Day
They of mad chat

Martin Keown
I'm not wanker

Nathan Blake
An ankle bath

Neil Cox

Paul Merson
Lump on arse

Peter Beardsley
Beery plastered

Peter Shilton
Enter hot lips

Queens Park Rangers
Ranger Spanks Queer

Robbie Elliott
Better boil oil

Scott Sellars
Let's toss Carl

Sheffield United
Defies Nude Filth

Stan Collymore
Measly control

Super John McGinlay
Sperm launching joy

Teddy Sheringham
He'd shag dirty men

West Bromwich Albion
I blame brown cow shit

Wolverhampton Wanderers
Old Woman perverts raw hen Worst ever home drawn plan

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Oops... (NSFW)

Sometimes they show a little more than planned! Up-skirt and nipple-slips - there is a little "oops" in every photo - Can you find them?

Joke of the Day

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son, Johnny, was hiding in the Closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the Closet; Johnny now has company.

Johnny: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Johnny: "I have a cricketball"
Man: "That's nice."
Johnny: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Johnny: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Johnny: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that Johnny and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Johnny: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Johnny: "I have a cricket bat"
Man: "How much?"
Johnny: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to Johnny, "Grab your bat and ball and we will go outside and play." Johnny says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes Johnny sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

Johnny says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"

nicked from

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

How to..

tell a kid his parents are Dead

Nothing else matters tonight!

Full-time at Anfield.

Liverpool take a slender lead thanks to Luis Garcia's fabulous first-half goal. Juventus can probably consider themselves lucky after dominating only a quarter of the match and they will surely have to score at least once in Italy to have any chance of progressing. Liverpool made them look like a poncy club side in the first half. Imagine where they could be if they had Cisse and Alonso fit instead of LeTallec and Nunez. Nevertheless, given the limited resources at his disposal, Rafael Benitez and his players have done their employers proud on a night which resonates beyond the simple matter of the scoreline.

Steven Gerrard is licking his lips in anticipation at the prospect of taking on the might of Juventus in Tuesday's mammoth Champions League clash at Anfield and insists the Reds will not just be turning up to make up the numbers.

The Reds skipper fully admits Juve are favourites to progress from this eagerly awaited two-legged tie but believes Liverpool are more than capable of pulling off a shock.

He says: "It's particularly important that I raise my game to a different level for this match. It's a massive game and we have done extremely well to get to the last eight of this competition.

More News Headlines

Two decades of building bridges
Rafa: Let's make tonight special
Baros looking forward to Nedved reu...
Reds and Juve get ready for action
Liverpool v Juventus: Big Match Bet...
Rafa meets the press ahead of Juve ...
Rafa: Baros owes the fans
Alonso boost for Reds

Trust the forummers to come up with something special - The Igor Biscan Appreciation Thread!!!

Here's a preview of what you'll get in it...

'he's a legend.i like the way he looks stupid.' (austo)

'Class. He was loping around at the end of the Bolton game like he no idea what was going on or why people were cheering' (HChile)

Igor Igor i love you so
Igor Igor please dont go
Igor Igor stay and back us up
Igor Igor youll win the european cup (KC72)

the one thing we never thought would happen did this weekend. Igor came on, sprayed it out to the wing with his first touch. Buried it with his second. Game over.

Igor was nearly smiling. Supporters were overjoyed. Steven Warnock was genuinely shocked.

But the key question is what did Rafa say to Igor to provoke such a reaction. What could he have said to get this other-worldy response?

Below you will find our suggestions. Further below is the COMMENTS link for yours. On the occasion of such an event as an Igor last minute second touch goal, Alternative LFC is willing to open its doors. Just don't expect it to happen too often.

1. Igor, there's £100 worth of Matalan vouchers in it for you if you bang this one in.

2. I want a goal from you Igor, or I send Pako Ayestran (the SpanishRasputin) round to seduce your missus.

3. Igor, if you score, I'll make Carra give you your hairbrush back.

4. If you score Igor, I'll use my contacts (Fruity Alan) to get you made over on 'Queer Eye For A Straight Guy'.

5. Igor, don't try and do any tricks or stepovers. Don't even think, just put your foot through it.

6. Igor, put one in the top corner for me and I'll get you that Laurel & Hardy DVD Box Set you've been after.

7. Play short passes and long passes and have shoots, Igor.

8. If you don't play well Igor, I'll make you go one on one with Josemi in training all week. With no shinnies.

9. Igor, Sal said the only way he'd give up his turn on the tunes on the team bus home is if you bury one. And I don't know about you, but I'm sick to death of bleedin' Dido.

10. If you score Igor, in the future you will have many possibilities.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Out of the mouth of - Footballers

Footballers and football managers have, over the past few months, said a lot of wonderful and utterly stupid things. Here's a collection of some of the most memorable quotes from the past few years.

"You will laugh when I say this, but I did not see the incident"
Arsene Wenger

"Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win"
Vinny Jones

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league"
Mark Viduka

"We all speak English, but Carragher talks very strange English"
-Stephane Henchoz

"When an Italian says it's pasta I check under the sauce to make sure. They are innovators of the smokescreen"
Alex Ferguson

"Paul Scholes - the most complete mental player I've ever seen"
Ben Thornley

"Some of these players never dreamed they would be playing in a Cup Final at Wembley, and now here they are fulfilling those dreams"
Lawrie McMenemy

"I think Sheffield Wednesday are a very poor football team. They are like a man who's got diarrhoea who can't get his trousers down"
Rodney Marsh

"I've never been thoughtful in my life and I'm not about to start now"
Alan Shearer

"Well, Clive, it's all about the two M's. Movement and positioning"
Ron Atkinson

"Dani is so good-looking I don't know whether to play him or f*ck him"
Harry Redknapp

Some absolute gems from the England Captain, David Beckham

"Pele was a complete player. I didn't see him live obviously, because I wasn't born"
"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7"
"I remember so clearly us going into hospital so Victoria could have Brooklyn. I was eating a Lion bar at the time"
"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had"
"We're definitely going to get Brooklyn christened, but we don't know into which religion!"
"I always used to go for blondes and quiet girls, but Victoria is the total opposite - dark

And the here's the best of Bill Shankly - The greatest manager in the history of the game.

"You son, could start a riot in a graveyard." (to Tommy Smith)

"If you are first you are first. If you are second you are nothing."

"Some people think football is a matter of life and death.... I can assure them it is much more serious than that."

"When I've got nothing better to do, I look down the league table to see how Everton are getting along."

"If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I'd draw the curtains."

"Aim for the sky and you'll reach the ceiling. Aim for the ceiling and you'll stay on the floor."

"It's there to remind our lads who they're playing for, and to remind the opposition who they're playing against."
Notes: on the 'This is Anfield' plaque

"I know this is a sad occasion but I think that Dixie would be amazed to know that even in death he could draw a bigger crowd than Everton can on a Saturday Afternoon."
Notes: at Dixie Dean's funeral

"Don't worry, Alan. At least you'll be able to play close to a great team!"
Notes: to Alan Ball, who'd just signed for Everton

"He has football in his blood," the disappointed scout complained. "You may be right," Shankly said, "but it hasn't reached his legs yet."
Notes: after a scout told Shankly about a young player who he'd given a trial at Liverpool

"A lot of football success is in the mind. You must believe you are the best and then make sure that you are. In my time at Anfield we always said we had the best two teams on Merseyside, Liverpool and Liverpool reserves."

"Take that poof bandage off, and what do you mean your knee, it's Liverpool's knee!"
Notes: to Tommy Smith after he'd turned up for training with a bandaged knee

"Just tell them I completely disagree with everything they say."
Notes: to an interpreter regarding excited Italian journalists

"Sorry, boss, I should have kept my legs together.", said Clemence. "Wrong, it`s your mother who should have!", replied Shankly.
Notes: after Ray Clemence had let in a fluke goal between his legs

"For a player to be good enough to play for Liverpool, he must be prepared to run through a brick wall for me then come out fighting on the other side."

"Although I'm a Scot, I'd be proud to be called a Scouser."

"When you get the ball, I want you to beat a couple of men and smash the ball into the net, just the same way you used to at Bury.", said Shankly. Lindsay replied: "But Boss that wasn't me it was Bobby Kerr." Shankly turned to Bob Paisley and said: "Christ Bob, we've signed the wrong player."

Some more Shankly Classics

So... What's the most memorable quote you've ever heard from a Footballer? I can be something daft (which more often than not, it will be) or it could be something inspiring. Leave em in the comments.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Liverpool for Champions League!

Liverpool's quest for a top four finish in this season's FA Barclays Premiship has been boosted thanks to West Brom's 1-0 defeat of Everton at the Hawthorns on Sunday afternoon.

Zoltan Gera's second half winner sealed all three points for the Baggies and denied our Mersey neighbours the chance of extending their one-point lead over us.

With just seven games of the season to play the Blues are on 51 points and the Reds 50.

This comes a day after Liverpool's newest LEGEND Igor Biscan scored the winner against Bolton Wanderers, taking Liverpool to within 1 point of current no.4, Everton.

Other Liverpool FC Headlines

03/04/05 : Hero Igor: I’m just pleased we won
03/04/05 : Juve don’t play out of respect for Pope
03/04/05 : Boss confident Dudek will face Juve
03/04/05 : Reds boosted by Baggies win
03/04/05 : Juve away - have you booked your trip yet?
02/04/05 : Big Sam: We should have won
02/04/05 : Rafa pleased with hard fought win

The Loony Toons: Dyer vs. Bowyer

Newcastle pair Kieron Dyer and Lee Bowyer were sent off in disgrace for fighting during their side's 3-0 home defeat against Aston Villa.

Dyer and Bowyer exchanged blows in the middle of the Newcastle half three minutes after Villa had gone 3-0 up.

The pair later appeared alongside manager Graeme Souness to apologise for their conduct, but pointedly did not say sorry to each other.

Both will miss the FA Cup semi-final against Manchester United on 17 April.

Bowyer, obviously incensed, has to be restrained by Villa's two-goal hero Gareth Barry

The damage done to Bowyer's shirt is apparent as he leaves the field after tangling with his team-mate

Full Story
More photos of the incident
And here's the video. (4.5mb)

Reality TV

'I have a suggestion of my own for a reality show. Take 15 Bush supporters and throw them in a house in the suburbs of, say, Fallujah for at least 14 days. We could watch them cope with the water problems, the lack of electricity, the check points, the raids, the Iraqi National Guard, the bombings, and- oh yeah- the ‘insurgents’. We could watch their house bombed to the ground and their few belongings crushed under the weight of cement and brick or simply burned or riddled with bullets. We could see them try to rebuild their life with their bare hands (and the equivalent of $150)…'

'I’d not only watch *that* reality show, I’d tape every episode.'

Posted by River at Baghdad Burning (read the whole post)

Out of the mouth of babes!

These are all real, posted in the Football Forum at F365.

'Can't you just turn off the football? I'll let you bum me!'
'Get off or I will start screaming. '
My missus thought a third was bigger than a half. What the hell will our kids be like?
‘if you are in a flood like the tsunami could you not go underwater and hold your breath til it drains away’
"Where you from then?"
"Where's that then?"
‘Er... Scotland’
"Oh yeah, that's in Wales, innit?"
Playing a quiz game at Christmas and needing to name a book beginning with "H".
She shouts "Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azerbaijan!"
I laughed so hard I leaked!
(Greesy Spic)
"Are Arsenal named after Arsene Wenger?"
Q:"what fruit is most used as a fake gun in crime".
A: "Tomato"?
(Prawn Star)
My very well educated wife..
" Whats the capital of Amsterdam?"
A true blonde moment for her.
(EFC Crafty)
Just remembered a gem my sister came out with:
While playing Trivial Persuit years ago she answered the following question:
"To which country do the Faroe Islands belong?"
Her answer?
Quick as a flash - "EGYPT!"
She's a teacher
Watching an England game a while back....
GF: I thought David Beckham played for Real Madrid.
Me: Yeah.... And England.
GF: You can play for both?!
Me: Yeah.
GF: But Real Madrid's in Italy! Why England?.....What?

So many things wrong.... (Flash Heart)
What about Donna Air asking the Corrs 'where did you guys meet?
On holiday in Greece, chatting away to these girls at the pool side. I had just bought a miniture bottle of Greek brandy. One of them picks it up, reads the label, turns to her mate and says, "ooooh, 40% how do they get that much in such a small bottle?"
To which I just shake my head and agree that it is really clever. Thought it might be easier!
Me driving her directing.
her: 'turn left, left, left I said left, oh no'
me: 'so you wanted me to turn right'
(Malden Blue)
In the Indian..
My GF ordered a Punani Naan instead of a Peshwari.
(Emannuel Goldstein)
Whilst watching England play Nigeria, a team of 11 big black blokes in bright green shirts during WC2002...
Which ones are England?
Whilst discussing our vehicles...
I've just noticed, all our cars are French!
At the time we had a Renault... A Honda and a Toyota
(Hotbeej Injection)

Wot's the silliest thing YOU'VE ever heard from a woman?? Post it in comments!

If Americans Knew

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is one of the world’s major sources of instability. Americans are directly connected to this conflict, and increasingly imperiled by its devastation.

It is the goal of If Americans Knew to provide full and accurate information on this critical issue, and on our power – and duty – to bring a resolution.

An informative site with well researched facts only, by former eleven-term Illinois Congressman Paul Findley and career foreign service officer and Ambassador Andrew I. Killgore.

In the United States, currently the most powerful nation on earth, it is even more essential that its citizens receive complete and undistorted information on topics of importance, so that they may wield their extraordinary power with wisdom and intelligence.

Unfortunately, such information is not always forthcoming.

The mission of If Americans Knew is to inform and educate the American public on issues of major significance that are unreported, underreported, or misreported in the American media.

It is our belief that when Americans know the facts on a subject, they will, in the final analysis, act in accordance with morality, justice, and the best interests of their nation, and of the world. With insufficient information, or distorted information, they may do the precise opposite.

Guys you've met in the mens room

Excitable - Shorts half twisted around, can't find hole, rips shorts.
Sociable - Joins friends and pisses whether he has to or not, figures it doesn't cost anything.
Cross-eyed - Looks in the urinal on the left, pisses in the middle, and flushes the one on the right.
Timid - Can't piss if someone is watching. Flushes and comes back later.
Indifferent - All urinals are being used, pisses in sink.
Clever - Look Ma, no hands! Fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor.
Worried - Not sure if he has been in lately, stops in for a quick check.
Frivolous - Plays stream up, down, and across urinals, tries to hit a bug on the wall.
Childish - Pisses directly in the bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
Absent-minded - Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
Sneak - Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows guy in next stall will get blamed.
Patient - Stands very close for a long time waiting, reads a newspaper with his free hand.
Desperate - Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
Tough - Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
Efficient - Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
Fat - Backs up and takes long shot at urinal, pisses on his shoe.
Drunk - Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
Disgruntled - Stands waiting for a long time, gives up, walks away.
Conceited - Holds two inch dick like baseball bat.
The Goose - Takes a piss while staring at ceiling only to find out he has pissed all over his shirt that was hangin down when he thought he had hold of it

Which one are you then??
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