Saturday, April 23, 2005

Guns vs. Women

Top 10 Reasons Why Some Men Prefer Guns to Women...
1.You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
2.You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
3.If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probarbly let you try it out a few times.
4.Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for backup.
5.Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
6.A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
7.Handguns function normally every day of the month.
8.A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
9.A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
10.You can buy a silencer for a handgun

From the brilliant Badger's Bastion

Unintentionally Sexual Comic Book Covers

When 4th is the new 1st

Liverpool have all to play for. Even 4 straight victories in the last four games againt Palace, Boro, Arse and Villa might not be enough unless Everton fucks up and starts dropping points. The difference is 3 points with Everton having a game in hand.

Here's my prediction for the last few games for both sides. MY PREDICTION / Last Premiership fixture

23 Apr, 2005 Crystal Palace A 15:00 :::: WIN (Won 3-2 in Nov)
30 Apr, 2005 Middlesbrough H 15:00 :::: WIN (LOST 2-0 in Nov)
08 May, 2005 Arsenal A 16:05 :::: DRAW (WON 2-1 in Nov)
15 May, 2005 Aston Villa H 15:00
:::: WIN (DREW 1-1 in Dec)

23 April 2005 Everton v Birmingham, 12:30 :::: WIN (Won 1-0 in Nov)
30 April 2005 Fulham v Everton, 15:00 :::: WIN (Won 1-0 in Nov)
07 May 2005 Everton v Newcastle, 15:00 :::: DRAW (1-1 draw in Nov)
11 May 2005 Arsenal v Everton, 20:00 :::: LOSE (Lost 4-1 in August)
15 May 2005 Bolton v Everton, 15:00
:::: DRAW (Won 3-2)

The above are highly optimistic predictions in the case of us winning the games 3 and getting a draw against Arsenal and Everton dropping 5 points. This will mean Everton will finish the season with 62 points and Liverpool with 61.

Wait. That sounds wrong. I'm predicting Everton WILL fuck it up but clearly I'm not too optimistic am I!? They'll have to fuck it up worse than I've predicted up there. I say they'll either LOSE to Bolton or draw one of their next two games, B'ham and Fulham.

If we don't get to fourth then we do obviously have the option of winning the Champions League and qualifying at their expense.
Which of the two is easier, I'd let you decide. But atleast with the CL option it all depends on how WE perform, not on luck or another team's performance.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Help to prevent woman selling eye

The BBC in Bangladesh has received offers of help from around the world for a woman who placed an advertisement in a newspaper to sell one of her eyes. The single mother, Shefali Begum, told the BBC it was her only way to escape from poverty as she cannot find work. More...

Why British teachers die young

Real exerts from English school essays.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having Left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 40 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en point and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

29. "The soil in Sussex is very fertile because it's full of micro-orgasms".

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Babe of the Day - Jordan aka Katie Price

Q: What's small, black, and bumps into things? (Look in comments)

Here's The Gallery

We'll have to win it to be in it

Good result last night. However, Everton pulled out a shocking win over Man Utd which means Liverpool are still 3 points behind the blue shite having played one more game. It's looking increasingly difficult for us to make that 4th spot. Had we done better in our games against Citeh and Spurs, we'd have been in a much better position.

Sami Hyypia said last week 'we might need to win it to be in it next season'. But to 'win it' we'll have to go through Chelski and then Milan.

Not winning it means definately losing Gerrard to Chelski next season and more importantly, no champions league. A team thats now in the Semifinal of the Champions League, and won't make it next year, seems a bit fucked innit?

Here's who might make more than a few appearances in the Chelski midfield next year ;)

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Ali G's Bible & The Ten Commandments

From the Anfield Archives, Back by popular demand

'ear me now. Me 'ave found dis book called de Bible wot is 100 years old. It was writted by dis bloke called Jason Christ and his dad. It have no pictures and definitely no muff. Trust me, it is well boring. It come in two halves, da Old Testicle and da New Testicle, wot is happarently religious and people 'ave been fighting for millions of years about which testicle is da best.
Anyway, about 2 billion years ago dis bloke called Moses went up a mountain in Spain and dropped two tablets. Dey must have been class A's coz he came down wiv some seriously mental ideaz. Dey was called Da 10 Commandments, an dey iz 13 laws dat has been da basis of society ever since. Even da dinosaurs 'ad to learn them altho very few of dem hactually practisd dem an dat is why dey died of de Aids an also why Jurassic Park appened.

Ere is wot dey say (not de dinosaurs hobviously - coz dey spoke in Dog). Also I has remixed dem for da new millenium.

Da old Commandments:
1) I am the Lord, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
2) Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
3) Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.
4) Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. On the seventh day thou shalt not work.
5) Honour thy Father and thy Mother.
6) Thou shalt not kill.
7) Thou shalt not commit adultery.
8) Thou shalt not steal.
9) Thou shalt not bear false witness.
10) Thou shalt not covert thy neighbour's ass.

Da New Commandments:
1) I iz da macdaddy, who iz taken u out of the county of Barkshire, u iz all me hoes, an if u iz up 4 it me is well into bondage.
2) Westside.
3) Do not dis Tupac.
4) Remeber every second Friday in every moth coz dat iz when me hold de jungle all-nita at de Crooked Billet in Iver Heath - 5 squid on da door, first 1000 ladies free.
5) Respec your Nan.
6) Thou shalt not do drive-bys.
7) Thou shalt not commit adultery (unless she iz well fit).
8) Thou shalt not deal.
9) Thou shalt not wear false titties.
10) Thou shalt not cover up thy batty (unless you iz a man or you iz a minger).

Expressions for High Stress Days

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a fucking people person?
8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
12. You! Off my planet !
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.
25. Allow me to introduce my selves.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
28. Better living through denial.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
50. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

Portsmouth v Liverpool

Even though our away form has been pathetic in the Premiership, I reckon we'd probably manage 3 points outta this one.

Both Baros & Cisse are fit; Baros back after the 3-game suspension. Verdict: 3-0 to LFC

Rumor of the Day:
According to The Sun, Steven Gerrard will be staying on at Liverpool as he has scrapped plans to buy two £2.2million London homes after getting cold feet over his possible summer move to Chelsea. Liverpool midfielder Gerrard, 24, has been widely tipped to move south at the end of the season in a massive £30million transfer.

30 things learnt from watching porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy f***s.
11. People in the 70's couldn't f*** unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before f***ing the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Revealed: Liverpool's most accurate passer

One for the lads

Pigs do fly after all.

Beware of the flying sausage!

Paula Radcliffe: Quitter & Shitter

From F365's Mediawatch

Will some conscientious member of the metropolitan constabulary be taking action against Ms Radcliffe on the grounds that defecating in the street is a public order offence?Moreover, as questioned by the F365 Forum, what would have been the outcome if a luckless wheelchair racer had gone over Radcliffe’s deposit?Perhaps that’s what they mean by a skid mark...

Let me get this straight. Paula Radcliffe had a shite in the street while running the London marathon?!?!?!!!!

Dirty Bitch!

F365 have launched a T-shirt, as usual.

Use GMail as storage space

GMail Drive is a Shell Namespace Extension that creates a virtual filesystem around your Google GMail account, allowing you to use GMail as storage medium.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Babe of the day - Cheryl Tweedy

Cheryl Tweedy: The reason thousands of males watch Girls Aloud. Want More?

Metro is OUT

Did anyone of you watch Ali G interviewing David and Victoria Beckham for Comic Relief? That was probably one of the most hilarious interviews he's ever done (The man's a LEGEND).

"What's the name of that dress that you wore?" He asked Becks.
"Sarong," Beckham replied.
"I know it was so wrong but what was it called?" - AliG

And the best was when he said to Becks "Just 'cos this is Comic Relief doesn't mean you should speak in a silly voice."

Oh fuck it I'll let you hear it. Download MP3 (7MB)

Anyway, back to metrosexuals. I found this on Badger's Bastion.

You might be a metrosexual if …
• You use more than three words when ordering your Starbuck’s,
• You’re still into rollerblading,
• You put on cologne to go to the gym,
• You have an Armani Exchange or Banana Republic credit card,
• You Tivo Sex in the City and/or Will and Grace,
• You watch Friends with a note pad,
• You have panic attacks (look, either have a real heart attack or cut the crap. That feeling you’re feeling is not death; it’s called responsibility and most everybody feels it. So … suck it up, drink a Guinness and get a life),
• You shave any part of your body except your face or skull,
• You buy your shampoo at a salon instead of a grocery store,
• You take more than two, that’s two, minutes to fix your hair,
• You think Ben Affleck, Colin Farrell, and Orlando Bloom are really, really good actors,
• You think you have a feminine side to get in touch with, and/or
• You must have Evian and only Evian for hydration (Hey, thongmeister. What’s Evian spelled backwards? That’s what you are).
Metrosexual is OUT!!!!

Thank God for that! For a moment it seemed the nancy-boys were about to take over.

I'm NOT. Honestly.

Got this as a reply to me 'Am-I-turnin-gay-cuz-i-nearly-cried-at-a-chick-flick' post :

Accompanied with a message

"You're teary-at-shit-film-gay ... though you may not be cock-in-ass gay. Time will tell."

Aww bless those forummers :)
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