Saturday, June 17, 2006

Vida Guerra's Butt - A site dedicated to one of the most beautiful arses of our times.

World Cup Hotties update

Footballers Wives & Girlfriends

Transfer Gossip (Thx to Cozzy)

Meet the new faces we should expect at Anfield next season

Gabriel Paletta:

Gabriel Alejandro Paletta (born 15 February 1986) is an Argentinian central defender, who will join Liverpool FC in the summer of 2006 from Club Atlético Banfield. He will be the second Argentinian to play for Liverpool, after Mauricio Pellegrino. Paletta is considered to be the next great central defender in a long, proud lineage containing such players as Roberto Ayala and José Luis Brown. Liverpool FC saw off competition for this signature from esteemed Argentinian team, River Plate.

Mark Gonzalez:

Mark Dennis González Hoffman (born July 10, 1984 in Durban, South Africa), is commonly known as Mark González. He is a Chilean footballer whose preferred position is as a left winger.Regardless of any possible work permit difficulties, González will be eligible for a Spanish passport in the Summer of 2006, which will enable him to join Liverpool without breaching UEFA's European player quotas.

Fabio Aurelio:

Fábio Aurélio Rodrigues (born 24 September 1979 in São Carlos) is a Brazilian soccer player, who currently plays for the Spanish team Valencia. He plays in the position of left back or left midfield and is noted for his powerful shooting ability.

Daniel Alves:

Daniel Alves da Silva (born 6 May 1983 in Juazeiro) is a Brazilian footballer. He plays as a wing-back for Sevilla Fútbol Club in Spain. Alves is 1.71 m tall. He weighs 64.00 kg. Alves has scored 5 goals in his career in Seville. In June 2006 it was reported by the BBC that his club had agreed to let him move to Liverpool F.C. in England, but were holding out for a £1 million increase on Liverpool's £7 million offer. He has double citizenship: Brazilian and Spanish.

Dirk Kuyt:

Dirk Kuyt (born July 22, 1980, in Katwijk) is a Dutch football striker, who currently plays for Feyenoord. As of the end of the 2005-06 season Kuyt has scored 122 times in the Eredivisie. He played for FC Utrecht from the 1998 until 2003, when he moved to current club Feyenoord, where he is contracted until 2007-08. The opening game of the 2004-05 season marked Kuyt's first ever hat-trick against De Graafschap. He later went on to score four against ADO Den Haag. Between March 2001 (playing with FC Utrecht) and April 2006 (Feyenoord) Kuyt played 179 consecutive matches.

Craig Bellamy:

Craig Douglas Bellamy (born on Friday July 13, 1979 in St. David's hospital (Cardiff) is a Welsh international football player. A quick, hard-working striker, he currently plays for Blackburn Rovers in the English Premiership.

Peter Crouch in Trouble

Fans complain of him doing the robot

A Step-By-Step Guide To Leaving Your Old Life Behind

Some of you may be having problems at home due to various reasons. Allow me to show you how to leave your troubles behind and start a new life.

Here we go...

When making the decision to disappear, it is very important to understand that this is not a process that can be successfully accomplished overnight. For best results under normal circumstances, a minimum of four months is really necessary to successfully carry out the heroic actions necessary to leave your old life behind. This is certainly not an undertaking to be entered into lightly - be completely sure of yourself before you commit to this.


The first thing to do upon deciding to carry out this transformation is to determine where you plan to go. Your city of previous personal preference may not be the best choice if you have spoken to others about your love for it. Your destination should be outside of your current province/state. Do some research on it, figure out what you will do when you get there. Most importantly, decide on it and stick with this decision.

Once you have chosen a destination, you are ready to proceed with your disappearance. The first three steps should be accomplished simultaneously over the course of four months.

Step One

Cut personal ties with everyone who knows you. Drop out of every group, organization, social circle, bingo table and car pool that you are a part of. The most important thing to remember here is to accomplish this slowly: pull out too abruptly and your friends and associates will become immediately suspicious. Carrying out this step should require several months of missed meetings and unreturned phone calls. Build your absence up gradually until you no longer do anything with the people who knew you.

Step Two

Liquidate all your assets. Divest yourself of all stocks, property and possessions, except for a week's worth of clothes and other necessities (please note: a desktop computer is NOT a necessity). Sell your house if you are single and own one. Your house should be the last thing to be sold. Please note that if you are married, do not attempt to sell anything that is your spouse's or is jointly owned. This may mean that you won't be able to sell the house, but this can't be helped. Selling things that aren't totally yours brings all sorts of nasty consequences that will dog your disappearance, such as law enforcement and private investigators. They should be avoided at all costs. Get cash for everything you sell, and withdraw everything from your bank account, waiting as long as possible before actually closing it. Be very critical when deciding what to keep: everything has to fit into a suitcase (or two at the very most) by the time you leave, so keep only what is absolutely necessary. All these sales should close within as small a timeframe as possible; having them all close on the same day would be perfect but unlikely. Finally, do not sell your car, as you will need it for the early stages of your physical disappearance.

Step Three

Acquire false identification. While this isn't listed until step three, this really should be the first thing you do. Do not leave this until late in the process, as it will require a substantial length of time to acquire GOOD forgeries. These will be fairly expensive, but the cost and resulting quality is absolutely essential. A twenty dollar driver's license bought downtown is just not going to cut it. You will need a driver's license, a valid social security number, and a birth certificate. In some countries, you may need other pieces of identification, such as health cards. You will need two sets, two separate identities. By the time you have completed the two steps above, you should have your two new identities, the first of which should reside in a neighbouring city / county to your present home.

Step Four

Sell your car to the first of your fake identities. To achieve this, you need to open a post office box in the name of this false identity in their home city/county. Register the car with the DMV in this county, and get insurance. The rates are not a concern, as you will not be paying them.

Step Five

In the week before your departure, you should make a point of seeing each of your good friends once. When asked about where you've been, answer vaguely but reassuringly. This should be sufficient to keep them from becoming overly concerned about your absence for atleast a couple of weeks. Once the last sale of your previous property has closed, destroy all your current identification. This means thoroughly burning it. Place in your wallet the identification that you registered your car with, along with one hundred dollars of your cash. Place the rest of your cash in a briefcase or other suitable container. Load your remaining belongings into your car. Now back out of your garage and DRIVE.

Step Six

Sell your car in a different state/province, using the identification under which you registered it. Choosing a near opposite path to the one you will eventually take to your chosen destination will help throw off anyone who decides to attempt to follow your footsteps. Now get rid of this set of identification (once again, fire will do the trick). Place your second set of identification in your wallet. There is now nothing to tie you to your old life. Get on a bus and ride it to your destination. Do not fly there directly, as airlines keep much more thorough records than bus lines. If flying is essential (your eventual destination happens to be a Carribean island) then take a bus somewhere else first. Carry your briefcase of money with you at all times. Do not put it in a luggage compartment or leave it unattended anywhere. This is your future life. Have this stolen, and you'll have disappeared, sure, but you'll be begging on the street instead of living it up in your new condo.

Step Seven

You're free. Build a new life and enjoy it this time.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Liverpool 2 - 0 Trinidad & Tobago

Finally we seeth problem of trying to accomodate Gerrard and Lampard in the same midfield.

Playing Lampard negates Gerrards best abilities. Gerrard can track back and cover so he tends to play deeper. This frees Lampard, but as he is in such poor form, it is not worthwhile.

Cole also had a poor game yesterday, but a swift kick up the backside will sort him - fewer step overs and more killer balls please.

Next match, give Lamps a rest, move Becks inside and tell him to sit -which he can do. This will free Gerrard to make his deep runs from midfield. Play Lennon out wide on right with instructions to run at the Sweedes. Start with Rooney & Owen upfront - Keep Crouch as an impact player for late in the game and also use Lamps later on as well.

Without deflections, Lampards shooting is pretty rubbish. It was last night anyway. Gerrard only got into shooting positions on a couple of occassions and showed what he can do with his left foot.

Gerrard would be the the better option as the more attacking of the two, but Lampard doesn't have the discipline to stay back, and his tackling isn't as good as Gerrards. Thats generally why Gerrard sit's back more. On his day, Lampard is a quality player and a real threat, last night wasn't his day.

Lets have a look at the stats.

8. Frank Lampard
Key Passes (Assists for Attempts) 0
Passes/Accurate 50/39 (78%)
Attacking half passes/Accurate 32/21
Crosses 0
Goals 0

4. Steven Gerrard
Key Passes (Assists for Attempts) 1
Passes/Accurate 49/42 (85.7%)
Attacking half passes/Accurate 36/29
Crosses 0
Goals 1

Looking at the positives, England are through with a game to spare, with 2 wins and no goals conceeded. Much better than we have done in previous tournaments. I just feel that the first quality team we meet will knock us out though.

Chelsea fans on here - I'm not using this as an opportunity to have a crack at Lampard (although some might be!) cos he's a quality player. BUT you need to face facts and realise at the moment he's just not cutting it for England. And there is no way that Gerrard and Lampard are combining well!

Gerrard finished the season in fantastic form and scored a corker last night - he needs to be given the attacking role, and Lampard should be dropped. SIMPLE AS THAT.

NB: I am willing to rescind this entire statement if Lampard plays really well in the next game.

Is this the reason...

...Crouch has such a fit girlfriend? He can slot home from any angle!

Thursday, June 15, 2006


Babe of the Day: Nina Moric

Question of the Day

Stuff sent in by you!

Richard Hunt:

Sorry if this is old, but I thought it was hilarious
England World Cup Song - Sorry if old, but its new to me :)


Ten Things That Would Stop The Hargreaves Booing

Poor old Owen Hargreaves, eh? As soon as the crowd see him taking off his trackie bottoms, the booing starts. But he only has to look to Peter Crouch for an example of how he can put a stop to it.

Our Peter, remember, suffered the same fate of being booed by the Engerland supporters at Old Trafford at the end of last year. And much as he might claim that he's convinced people that he's worth his place in the squad with his footballing ability, we're all still aware that he has the touch of a donkey and he can't head the ball despite being nine feet tall.

No, people no longer mind the Crouchatron because he has a silly dance. And while that may seem to be the ideal technique for ridding yourself of unwanted status as a pariah, if young Owen tried it he'd look like a copycat.

So here, for his benefit, are ten things he could do that would stop the booing:

1. The Locomotion.

2. A magic trick.

3. Get a pet monkey.

4. Cut his hair into a curly mullet. Oh wait.

5. Stamp on Jermaine Jenas' foot as he walks past.

6. Grow a Neviller 'tache.

7. Shave off Neviller's 'tache.

8. Buy everyone in the stadium a pint.

9. Get really fat.

10. Improve rapidly at football.

Yanks Bite Back!

This was my original post from yesterday:

It is a curiosity that, in a world dominated by the United States, there's such apathy on the other side of the big pond towards the world's most popular sport.

More than ten years after the country hosted The Greatest Show On Earth, America's lack of interest stands out like a teetotaller in a Munich beer hall.

In many respects, such isolation is symptomatic of the United States' isolation - and, many would argue, overbearing arrogance - on a world stage. When Gordon Brown announced that he would be cheering on Becks and the boys this summer the surprise wasn't that a Scot would actually public support England, but that he wasn't standing alone alongside the United States.

As The Economist recently noted of America's disregard for football, 'behind all this lies a bigger debate about America's cultural idiosyncrasy...America's exceptionalism has provoked a fierce debate between 'red' Americans, who are proud of their country's oddness, and 'blue' Americans who think that America should pay more attention to the rest of the world.'

Mediawatch has never before stumbled across the States-based, the website of the leading newspaper for the twin cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul in the heart of middle America, but the opening lines of its World Cup editorial suggests that it is redder than the sunburnt cardinals standing in front of the Red Sea eating tomatoes:

'If the government really is serious about identifying illegal immigrants, it soon will be provided a unique opportunity to record their whereabouts.

'All the Department of Homeland Security has to do is monitor the city-by-city television ratings of this month's World Cup soccer tournament. Agents should be dispatched to any area in which the ratings reflect an unnaturally high level of interest. That likely signals a concentrated pocket of illegals.'

As for 'real' Americans, 'We don't like soccer because we do understand it. And it's awful.

'It's time to quit apologizing and tell the truth. When it comes to soccer, we're right, and the rest of the world is wrong.

'Many spectators in soccer-crazed countries warm up for a big match by hitting their neighbor in the head with a brick. And as soon as little Nigel or Fiona is old enough, mum and dad take them out back and practice squishing them against a chain link fence.

'Yes, America may be the only country that doesn't go goofy for soccer. We also are the only remaining super power. Don't you see a connection there?'

America is also the most-despised country on earth. Perhaps the more pertinent question is whether they can they see the connection there.

and these are the comments i've recieved so far:

Comment 1 (Bill): is the website for the Pioneer Press, the (much smaller) St. Paul newspaper. is the website of the Star-Tribune, which has pretty much crushed the PP, is more liberal, and has been carrying Cup finals on it's main page.

Comment 2 (Anon):

To Whom It May Concern:

I will have to concede that there is a lack of interest in the United States for the game of soccer, which has been blocked out for the game of Baseball, and American Football. However never feel that this applies to all Yanks, I sir am an avid soccer fan! I have both played the game & watched the World Cup for quite some time now. Although I’m likely in my country in the minority I love the game! I will agree that American’s are not the best of soccer players but then again I don’t see any other countries signing up to play American Football or try there luck against the USA in Basketball! I wish America would get more involved in soccer but then again I wish everyone would stop including all Americans in the actions of the government! Until the USA gets serious about football i.e. soccer I guess we will just have to cheer on the Brits, Canadians, or Mexico!

Yours truly,
Damn Yank!
Bill: Cheers for that
Anon: You and a lot of my american readers frequenting this blog is proof enough that 'football' is alive in the US, to some extent at least. I 'm not one to generalise and I'm hoping majority of our readers don't generalize either when it comes to the actions of your government - as we know aroung 50% of yanks are perfectly sane :-)
I thought it was an interesting article i read on F365 - hope I haven't offended any of you as that was not the intention.

Joke of the Day

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says "He doesn't half talk some shite eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar". Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullshit, I'm off to France to check this out."

So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"

The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out you only killed 25,000 !!!!"

The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.

Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing . . . . .
Away Gauls count double in Europe."

Silly Things Women Say Part 1

Here's a starter for daft things women say about football. My best mate, she's blond, thought that offside was when the ball went OFF the SIDE of the pitch.
Paul Clarkson, Everton

..."I don't understand why everyone is so excited, there wasn't this much fuss last year" - A stunner called Cara Walker, so I kept my mockery to a minimum.
Charlie Longe, London

...The Local Oz Bar Maid during Saturday's friendly commented:

"That fella's not trying very hard!"

Only feeling embarrassed and going bright red when the Old Boy at the bar pointed out it was the Referee.

....From my lovely lady - "I'll let you watch the World Cup this year, but you have to promise me you won't watch all the World Cup matches next summer."

But this one was my favourite: "What division are Jamaica in?"

...She: "So Who's the England goalie then?"

He: "Paul Robinson."

She: "What, the one from Neighbours?"
Steven Spinola

...'But surely if Rooney's injured we can put Thierry Henry in instead and he's good isn't he?' - Courtesy of Anna Wheeler

...My Australian wife (Caz Ball, consider yourself named and shamed!) asked how they decided who played the first game in the World Cup. I explained that it was usually the holders but it is now the hosts.

She thought for a second and asked "Well, how do they decide who plays in the last match?"
Ted Ball
...Over lunch with a colleague, this week:

American woman: "So whose playing in the first game of the World Cup - Barcelona and who else?"

Me: "Germany and Costa Rica."

American woman: "So who are Barcelona playing against?"

Me "Barcelona is a city in Spain, not a country. It's a tournament for national teams."

American woman: "Right, right. So who are Barcelona, Spain playing against?"

No word of a lie.
Richard Marshall

...Overheard at a restaurant on Sunday in Co.Cork, Ireland:

Wife: "Are we in the World Cup?"

Husband: "No, we didn't qualify"

Wife: "I'll be shouting for Barcelona then."
Denis Hurley, Co. Cork

...My mum started early this year in her pretending to be interested in football tomfoolery. After the Champions League final she asked me who won, I informed her that Arsenal had lost and Barcelona had won, she replied ,"Does that mean England aren't in the World Cup now" Numpty!
Darren Curtis

...Just last night after I came home with a brand new England white shirt for my little brother, my girlfriend asks me why I have bought the 'home' kit. To which I reply 'eh?'. Her witty comeback is a classic! "Well, silly, the World Cup is in Germany so England won't be needing the home kit will they? You should have bought the red one." Silly me.
Ben Chelton, Welling

...On overhearing a discussion at work between some of us non-Americans about the tournament starting in two days, a young American lady added "The World Cup, that's tennis, isn't it?"
Sean Kinnear, English in the USA

...I was asked by an anonymous female friend why there were five teams in our group and yet four in the others. She was disappointed when I pointed out that Trinidad wouldn't actually be playing against Tobago in the tournament!
Richard Saxton

...How's about this for the silly things women say?!? Sat watching telly with my girlfriend last night she said the following:

"I've got a hair appointment in town at 2.30 this Saturday, would you mind dropping me off and picking me up? I'll treat you to tea somewhere..."

Sorry love, you can walk!
Chris Jordan, LUFC, Hull

...Since we've been together, my girlfriend Julie has fully embraced my passion for football with enthusiasm but has come out with some good ones. Here is a small selection:

1. In the pub last night, a mate said he'd seen the film United 93. Julie said: "I'm getting fed up of all this football talk."

2. We were watching MOTD when Jose brought on Duff, Cole and Robben when chasing a game at the end of last season. Julie wondered why Motty said: "Chelsea started the game without any but now they've got three white men on the pitch". The concept of wide men hadn't landed on planet Julie yet.

3. MOTD were showing Citeh when Shaun Wright Phillips was in the team, who she knew about. The commentator then referred to Bradley Wright-Phillips, and then showed him on camera. Julie said, "Are they related?"

4. When watching a game in the pub, the ads were on the telly at half time. She looked up and saw the bloke in the wheelbarrow on the Wickes advert. She thought the second half had started and they were taking an injured player off in a barrow.

There have been others, but I can't remember them at the moment. As we head into the World Cup, I am looking forward to posting any further gems.
John Smith, Handforth, Cheshire

...Looking through my World Cup 2006 sticker album (yes I know I'm too old, but it's tradition!) my dear fiancée asked just how Ruud Van Nistelrooy could play for Holland when he was still a Manchester United player. Now bless her for listening to my rants about how sad it will be for Ruud to be sold this summer, but she hasn't really got to grips with the club and country aspect - unless they're English...

Fiancée = Laura Louise Watson - still the love of my life.
Alex Alderson

...When I was in Italy I bought a hat which had INTER written across the top of it. One of the birds in my class goes "what happened to the W?"
Johnny Q.

...During the recent England v Jamaica friendly, my lovely girlfriend Lori remarked "I thought David Beckham played for Real Madrid?".

Oh dear.
Chris Davies

Ok...not a World Cup one but pretty stupid none the less:

Back in '96 when I was doing my A levels and Liverpool were on their way to the infamous cream suit cup final fiasco with the Mancs we had drawn the first game, maybe the quarter final I can't remember which now. Anyway, the replay was a midweek one and as we were finishing our last lecture of the day this girl Emma overhears me and the lads planning that night's boozy footy viewing and shouts over:

"Dave, what are you lot up to tonight?"

Me "Watching the game, it's the FA Cup replay tonight."
Emma: "Replay? Why are you watching it when you already know the result?"

Cue the lads and half the girls falling about laughing and a very stern-faced girl giving us all dirty looks. She still hasn't forgiven me for that ten years later....
Dave Walker

...This is going back to Euro 2000, but a female colleague at work had just learned that Dennis Bergkamp was Dutch. She pondered for a moment, and then asked "So, what happens when Holland play Arsenal?"
Rob Johnson, Bristol

...Me and my mentally challenged missus Rachel were watching the 10:30 news last night, I was quite surprised actually as she did not open her mouth and embarrass herself once all day - Until about 10:50. The 1966 ENGLAND World Cup winners classic masterpiece that was recorded in 1982 for the World Cup was on the news. In the clip it went round all the players singing about themselves in which Martin Peters was zoomed in on. Now I don't know why she said this and I don't really want to challenge her mind as to why it came out, but she said about Martin Peters, "He's Scottish isn't he?".

I just looked at her in disbelief. Granted, she is Welsh, but I thought she was different, Jesus Christ it had a big heading at the bottom saying "England 1966 World Cup winners" - Nevermind!
James Dunn

...Along the lines of stupid things that women say about the World Cup, I have a cracker...

I organised the office sweepstake for the World Cup, and being the only bloke this was never going to be easy. After I had cut out team names and kits and put them in the bag ready for the draw the girls I work with played a prank on me and replaced some teams from the draw with the likes of 'Vatican City', 'Disney Land' and 'Antarctica'.

How very amusing!

Anyway, one girl walks over to see what we are doing, looks at the piece of paper with Antarctica written on it (which has now been removed so I could proceed with the serious draw) and promptly says the following: "Antarctica! I didn't even know they were in it. A load of Eskimos running around on the pitch! Ha Ha! They haven't got a chance blah blah blah'

I mean, seriously, give me strength.
Mr. Bash (I got Togo and Ivory Coast in the draw)

...Two Welsh birds sat behind me on the Easyjet flight from Barcelona to Gatwick on Sunday morning:

Bird One: "Hang on, David Beckham's English but he plays in Spain. Who's he going to play for in the World Cup?"

Bird Two: "Good question, I really don't know."

As if that wasn't bad enough, the one in the seat directly behind me then proceeded to vomit for the rest of the flight. Going British Airways next time.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006 <--Link FIXED

Our sister site has been launched - needs a bit of decorating but you can have a peek at

Thanks to the loads of photos that my mate Gareth Williams and
MOJO send in.

Peter Crouch - Merked!

Rio makes poor Crouchie think he's in a room with Russian gangsters.

Click here to watch David Beckham, Wayne Rooney, SWP and Gary Neville getting 'MERKED' as part of Rio Ferdinand's WorldCup Pranks

What would you do?

Once again its the Brazilian women stealing the show. You just can't compete with them can ya? The question: 'How far are you prepared to get in her pants' was put to the forummers of the famous F365 forum and here are some of there responses.

Read at your own risk - some of them might gross you out or result in your vimto/coke/iced tea on your keyboard.

I would woo her with my charm and good looks to get in her pants and quite probably her arse as well

I'd eat a mile of her shit just to get in her pants
I'd eat the scabs of one thousand children with aids just too smell an envelope she once licked.

Man raised by puffins (most probably a gayer):
I'd hope she had a better looking friend.

I'd fellate exactly 307 brazillian pensioners children in the hope that I could one day pass out under a lamp post she once stared at.

Red Baron:
I'd build a time machine, travel back in time and surprise sex her foetus.

Third Nibble:
I'd lick a razor dipped in satans feltch juice whilst being humped by a horny gorilla to eat her toenail clippings.

Joe 2.0
I'd fellate an angry mountain goat just to get to enter a fighting competition in order to win the chance to smell an envelope that may or may not have contained a photo of the front door of her house.

I'd happily spend 3 days listening only to canned laughter and John Motson squealing Drog-barrrr so I could one day perhaps see a painting of the local laundromat where she may or may not have washed her bed clothing.

I'd suck off all the old dudes from the lemonparty picture just too have the chance to scrape my penis along 10m of posioned barbed wire so I could stare at a towel she once cleaned her hair with.

I'd be anally raped by a rhino's horn for 24 hours just for the chance to meet a person related to the person that made her t-shirt.

Joe 2.0
I'd lick a an old mans ball bag whilst he bums a concerned puppy just for the chance to throw a kitten at her old school teacher.

Red Perv:
I would scrape my knob along a mile of sandpaper and then dunk it in vinegar just to be able to sniff her next door neighbours toilet seat.

I'd happily slap my penis against an enraged tigers face on the chance that he doesn't bite it off so I could then rape her dead milkmans corpse so I could lick a bottle of milk she probably hasn't ever seen.

I'd cut off my nipples with a rusty spatula then post them to mexico just for the chance to mung the corpse of the milkman that Juan just raped.

Captain Fugazi:
I'd repeatedly cunt myself in the bastard with a rusty bastard-cunter just to drink the pint of 1664 left by the forummer with the shortest name who may or may not have looked at this thread with her picture on it.

I'd willingly gorge on a cocktail of smegma and clinkers garnered from the top 100 filthiest vagrants in Scotland just to listen to seven seconds of completely fabricated stories of her childhood told by some deranged old hag who, due to dementia, mistakenly believes she is her grandmother.

Ripping: I'd suffer some painful, taboo-breaking indignities and end up wounded, mentally and physically scarred and probably in jail. Hang on, what was the question?

Thanks. No, really!

For noticing my new and improved top banner.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Didi Hamann - You'll Never Walk Alone!

If Didi decides to join Bolton, I'll be sorry to see him go. He's been a great servant to LFC for all his years here and don't think any of us will ever forget the difference he made since coming on in Istanbul.

Can't get any worse for him though can it? He gets shat on by Jurgen for the WC and then to compound his misery he is going to be sold to Bolton...

Ahh well let's just see Didi's amazing stats one final time...

Hamann's previous clubs include Bayern Munich and Newcastle United.

Hamann was the first Liverpool player since Roger Hunt (1966) to play in a World Cup Final, through his appearance in the 2002 Final against Brazil. He has fifty-one caps and has scored four goals for the national team and was part of the German squad at the 1998 World Cup, Euro 2000, the 2002 World Cup, and Euro 2004.

His influence on the Liverpool team was evident when he came on as a substitute in the second half of the 2005 Champions League Final in Istanbul in which Liverpool had a disastrous start, trailling 3-0 at half-time to an AC Milan side. Hamann's introduction changed everything as Liverpool started their amazing comeback. He was responsible for neutralizing Kaká who was creating lots of problems for Liverpool during the first half. Hamann's solidness in midfield gave his Liverpool teammate, Steven Gerrard, the freedom to go forward and attack. The combination was devastating for Milan as Liverpool came to level terms in a space of just seven minutes.

In June 2005, Hamann agreed to a new one-year contract with Liverpool F.C., with the option of another year. He had previously expressed his desire to stay with the club and manager, Rafael Benítez expressed his delight at the new deal calling Didi a "very important player" for the club. The option, which required Hamann to play a certain number of games, has been met, and Hamann will remain at Liverpool for at least one more year (with his contract running out in the summer of 2007).

Hamann won the English FA Cup with Liverpool in May 2006, coming on as a substitute in the second-half when Liverpool were 2-3 down to West Ham United. Once again his introduction was crucial, a steadying influence when he was most needed. His solid display in the centre of midfield provided the basis for Liverpool's comeback to 3-3. Liverpool would go on to win the Cup on penalties after a goalless extratime in which Hamann scored the first penalty.

As a result of not making Jurgen Klinsmann's German squad for the 2006 World Cup, Hamann announced his retirement from international football in May 2006. [2]

In June 2006, Didi Hamann was given permission to talk to Bolton about a potential transfer to the North West club. Hamann admitted that he would be saddened to leave Liverpool but would make "the best decision for my future".

Hamann played half the game of the miraculous 2005 UEFA Champions League finals win (after penalties) with a broken toe. However, this did not stop him from taking and scoring the vital first penalty with that broken toe, with Milan having already missed one penalty.
Hamann was the last player to score at the old Wembley stadium, when Germany beat England 1:0 in 2000 in the World Cup Qualifiers for Japan/Korea 2002.
Hamann holds the record for the number of completed passes in the English Premiership.
Career Honours
Bayern Munich
1993–94 German Bundesliga
1995–96 UEFA Cup
1996–97 German Bundesliga
1997–98 Liga-Pokal
1997–98 German Cup
Runner Up
1994–95 German Super Cup
1995–96 German Bundesliga
1997–98 German Bundesliga
Newcastle United
Runner Up
1998–99 FA Cup
2000–01 League Cup
2000–01 FA Cup
2000–01 UEFA Cup
2001–02 Charity Shield
2001–02 European Super Cup
2002–03 League Cup
2004–05 UEFA Champions League
2005–06 European Super Cup
2005–06 FA Cup
Runner Up
2001–02 FA Premier League (Level 1)
2002–03 Charity Shield
2004–05 League Cup
2005 FIFA Club World Championship

Runner Up
2002 FIFA World Cup

Fantastic player totally unappreciated and as important for us as Keane or Viera were for their respected clubs at times.

A final 'All hail the Kaiser'.

A word on Cisse's injury.

Couldn't have been at a worse time and a source inside Anfield says Rafa was furious why the deal with Marsielle not done earlier and why did they decide to wait till the end of the WC. I know its buggered us in the transfer market as we could've got £8m for him but I'm a bit worried by some of the reaction I've seen from fellow Liverpool supporters. I know at times Cisse did come accross as a lazy twat who couldn't be arsed but he was on the bench most of the season and was played out of position when he wasn't. If you're not wanted somewhere, you lose a little bit of the incentive to give your 100%.

I'm sure he'd have been hugely disappointed with having to leave a club he claims to love so much and not having performed to the standard that was expected of him. His injury is in no way his fault. Its just terribly unlucky and I wish he gets back on his feet soon.

He did get good goals for us and now that he's down and out we can't turn our backs on him. We are Liverpool. Both players and managers have sacrificed so much for this club and what makes our fans special is the support they give their players/managers when they're down and out. Just as they did at halftime in Istanbul. Just as they did when GH had the heart attack.

And just as they did when Cisse made his return after breaking his other leg in 2004.

Photos & vids of the incident:

Cisse breaking his left leg. 07-06-2006 News Story :: WATCH
Cisse breaking his right leg. 30-10-2004 News story
Cisse the clown - this picture never fails to make me piss myself laughing.

MERC'D!! Part 1

We’ve read about David Beckham leaping from a moving car in Manchester as one of the pranks was being filmed. How funny would it all have been if the England captain had twisted his ankle in the process? Nevertheless it was funny seeing him doing a runner in moss side. Felt a bit sorry for him when he gets in the car and has to lie on the floor to avoid the paparazzi.

Gary Neville (as much as I hate the cunt) does come accross as a no-nonsense kinda guy. Rooney's a mute! There are more which I will add once I find them. Apparently, Peter Crouch was about to buy a flat shaped like a penis!

David Beckham

Wayne Rooney

Gary Neville

Shaun Wright Philips & John Terry

Thanks to ThierryButters for finding these.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Manchester Buccaneers

The diary of a Manchester United fan, aged 12, from Tampa Bay

My diaries of the last year following Super Malcolm Glazer's franchise are available to buy in a lovely hardback book on June 8.

The book contains all my thoughts from my long, long time rooting for Manchester, plus exclusive new material, never before read (except by Pop). It also contains the best of the reader comments and all sorts of other exciting things.

Buy the book and help spread the word of Manchester around the world and make them the biggest franchise in the south of England!

Manchester Buccaneers Blog

Sunday, June 11, 2006

What a classy bird eh?

It’s a bit of a bad sign of things to come, when at your own wedding, your bride sneaks off to suck the best mans dick. It’s not really setting the foundations for a long lasting happy marriage, is it? Well, that is exactly what happened to this poor f*cker. Whilst everyone was inside enjoying the party, she was outside enjoying one of the guests. You can see the best man is just about to stick his dick in her mouth, when the groom comes calling from around the corner. She pulls her dress up and runs over like nothing is wrong.

Babe of the Day: Joanna Krupa

It's the age old question: football or women?

And thanks to Football365, you don't have to answer it. Allow us to present our 'Women of the World Cup' for your viewing pleasure. Your task is simple - just rate the ladies in order of comeliness. Stop sniggering at the back! It means how attractive they are...

10 Things...

10 things every single girl must own

Sure, you've got the perfect shade of lipstick and the little black dress... but is that all you need? Hardly.

1. A fabulous photo of yourself
We all have that photo: The one where your smile, hair, and (let's be honest) bod all come together in one sexy little package, whether it's that snapshot from your hike in the Grand Canyon or that cocktail party photo where you're dressed to kill. Post that sucker at eye level on your fridge so your male guest can't help but notice it as he checks out if you have beer (see item #5). What he says: "Is that you?" What he means: "Daa-aamn, girl, you're hotter than I realized!" Keep a digital version handy so you can email it to online suitors or blind dates who want a glimpse of the goods beforehand. And never, ever throw it away—when you're 80-something it'll serve as an instant reminder that back in the day, you were a total dish!

2. A pretty pair of heels
Admit it. You feel like Maria from West Side Story (You feel pretty, oh so pretty…) when you slip on a pair of nice heels. The good news is that these days, you can transform virtually any outfit to make it on-the-town ready by adding heels to a skirt, jeans, cropped khakis, whatever. And no, they don't have to be towering stilettos, even a pair of 1-inch kitten heels will make you stride a little more confidently. (Added bonus: The taller you are, the more cute men you'll be able to see around the room.)

3. An Eminem CD
What's one of the first places a guy peruses when he walks into a woman's home? Her music collection. Good for you if you have an extensive one. But if all he sees is a stack of girl bands (say, the Indigo Girls, the Go-Go's, Joni Mitchell and the Bridget Jones' Diary soundtrack), he's going to panic. Balance out your collection with one CD, any CD, by Eminem and you have no idea how relieved he'll be. It shows you have an open mind and aren't easily offended—and that's music to any man's ears.

4. A great pickup line... and a way to blow 'em off
In this post-chivalrous period, we can't always depend on guys to initiate contact, so prepare thyself with one simple, non-cheesy icebreaker to lay on that cutie who's making his way to your area of the bar. Our favorite: "Hi. Having fun?" (Though a friend of mine has recently taken to asking well-dressed men, "Hetero, homo or metro?") And in cases when a guy initiates contact and you're not interested, better have a better blow-off than "Ummmm, no... " Our suggestion: "Sorry, I don't think the guy I'm seeing would appreciate it." Sure, it's a lie, but it'll let him down easy—without destroying his ego or making him think you're a jerk.

5. A six-pack of good bottled beer
A prepared single girl is ready to host and toast at any time. If you want to make a guy-guest feel at home and your girlfriends feel special, skip the mass-produced swill and go for microbrews like the exotically-named Smuttynose Shoals Pale Ale from Portsmouth, New Hampshire or the grandfather of microbrews, Sam Adams Boston Lager.

6. Bathroom reading
What man doesn't appreciate finding interesting reading in his sweetie's bathroom? So instead of tossing out your magazines when you're done reading them, toss them into a basket by the toilet. No need to go overboard with a stack of Sports Illustrated (if you don't follow sports, that would just be weird), but consider Newsweek or even Cosmopolitan (hey, this may be the only time he's a captive audience and can learn a few things). Or, just buy a book that's made for the bathroom, like Schott's Original Miscellany by Ben Schott ($10.17 at so he can learn a few things about shoelace lengths and sign language while he passes the, uh, time.

7. A business card
After the age of 18, it's no longer cute to scrawl your first name and phone number on a napkin and hand it to a man who wants to call you. So if your job doesn't provide a card or you'd prefer one with your personal email address and phone number on it, then have some made at your local Kinko's. The very budget-bound can get 250 full-color business cards for free from if you don't mind the company's logo on the backside of the card. Hey, it's better than nothing. A napkin he can lose. A card he'll file and keep.

8. Earplugs
Ah, there's nothing sweeter than a man who wants to cuddle up with you in bed for a long night's sleep. Unless — SNZZGGHGHRRJJZZZ! — he snores so loudly you can't get any sleep. Prepare thyself for surprise snorers with a pair of earplugs stashed in your nightstand. (2 pairs of Mack's brand self-described "snore-proof" plugs sell for $2.79 at

9. A straight male friend on your speed-dial
Every girl knows she needs a gay male friend she can go to for fashion advice (a personal Queer Eye for Your Closet). But when it comes to relationship advice, you need another source. While your female friends may have good intentions, if you really want to know if you should call that guy, save the guesswork and go to someone who's been there, done that.

10. A condom
Hey ladies, you know the drill by now. If you want to be able to have spontaneous fun of the bodily kind, you have to prepare for it yourself. You can't always count on him to have something in his back pocket—or a 24-hour drugstore on the route home. (Your new mantra: If you don't want it to break, you buy it.)

10 things every single man must own

Want to impress the ladies with your great taste in home décor and more? Skip the leather couch and silk boxers and buy these bachelor essentials.

1. A top-notch coffee/espresso maker
Any girl who’s at your place for dinner (or lounging in your bed come morning) deserves a classier send-off than “see ya,” so trade in your college-days $20 coffee maker for a machine that’ll give Starbucks a run for its money. The professional-quality Delonghi “Caffe Figaro” Coffee/Espresso Machine ($230, uses steam pressure to brew a superior espresso; the built-in milk frother allows her to request a latte or cappuccino. Toss in a $20 electric grinder — fresh grounds are a must for a quality caffeine fix — and you'll make her feel like a princess without breaking out the whole breakfast-in-bed shtick.

2. A lamp in your bedroom
Raise your hand if the only source of light in your bedroom is that garish overhead fixture that was there when you first moved in. Now, all of you, go out and buy a bedside lamp with a fabric shade. This inexpensive trifle is not lost on women, who not only see it as a sign of your civility (imagine that, a light switch within arm’s reach vs. across the room!), she’ll also feel much more comfortable under its softer, more forgiving glow. ( has a large selection in the $10 to $40 range that should satisfy any man’s tastes without siphoning his savings.)

3. Swiffer Sweeper + Swiffer Cloths + Swiffer Wet Cloths
For her, walking across your floor barefoot should not be an exercise in muck tolerance. To that end, the Swiffer is the greatest thing to happen to the lazy man since the remote control. As simple as this cloth-on-a-stick looks, the electrostatically charged sheets suck up dust, hair and dirt in no time, and the Wet Cloths will make quick work of your bathroom floor—a necessity if you ever want her to visit again.

4. A comfortable couch
Repeat after me: You do not need a black leather couch. Skip the cliché and pick out a plush upholstered sofa, like the simple, elegant, under $1,000 Mercer at And no matter what style you buy, play it safe and pick a neutral or muted color, then purchase a couple of pillows with stripes or a bold, masculine pattern to jazz it up and prove you aren’t your average lug when it comes to home décor.

5. Nice underwear
When it comes to your love life, the last thing you want is for your underwear to be a mood-killer, and trust me, the following selections will make her recoil: Tighty whities; underwear featuring cartoon characters, or anything that resembles what a woman would wear. (Bikini briefs? Heaven help you.) Even silk boxers, no matter how nice, can send a sleazy vibe, so stick with something basic, like Calvin Klein cotton boxers or boxer briefs. Splurge on at least two weeks' worth and throw out the others, lest you’re tempted to don a ratty pair and put off doing laundry—you never know when opportunity will strike.

6. A key-ring that can fix, cut, and open anything
Sure, your power-tool collection is outstanding—but it'll do you no good sitting in your closet when your date's sunglasses come apart at the restaurant. Show off how useful you can be by whipping out the tiny-but-powerful Leatherman Micra key-ring ( The two-and-a-half-inch, 1.75-ounce stainless-steel multi-tool combines scissors, tweezers, nail file, ruler, bottle opener, three screwdrivers, and a blade (of course). You’ll be amazed how indispensable it (and you, by extension) will become to her.

7. $150+ jeans
Why cough up that much dough when you can find a seemingly-fine pair for much less? Because designer denim does make a difference—and you can wear them everywhere from a dive bar to a five-star restaurant, if paired with the right shirt and suit jacket. Check out stores that carry Diesel, Evisu, Paper Denim & Cloth, or Seven. Since every pair of jeans fits differently, you will need to try a few on: Err on the side of too tight as opposed to too baggy, as jeans do stretch a bit as they are broken in. Choose a pair that isn't too trendy (warning signs include more than five pockets, garish stitching, and too much "distress," like rips or bleaching) unless you're willing to buy into next season's style as well.

8. $200+ dress shoes
Accept it: Girls are into footwear, and your feet will be one of the first things she looks at. Invest in quality black leather tie-ups — which will never go out of fashion and will match with most any jeans, pants or suit — to make a great first impression every time. If she knows her shoes, she'll be hoping to find you could afford a pair of Bruno Magli, Kenneth Cole, Steve Madden, or John Varvatos. Sure, they’re not cheap, but hey, it could be worse: We could be the ones in heels.

9. 300-thread-count cotton sheets
Let’s face it: You (and hopefully your date) will be spending a lot of quality time here. So skip the scratchy polyester blends and splurge on some 100-percent Egyptian cotton sheets with a thread count of 300—the higher the thread count, the softer the sheet. It’ll run you around $120 for a queen-size set (for a good selection, check out, but anything that might keep her in bed longer is worth the expense, right?

10. The Joy of Cooking
Few things are sexier than a guy who can cook... but if toasting Pop-Tarts is the extent of your expertise? Then get Joy, the bible of all cookbooks since, unlike its trendier, more specialized alternatives like Nigella Lawson or Rocco DiSpirito, it contains recipes for just about anything you could think to make, all laid out with instructions that even an alien from another planet could figure out. So go ahead, invite her over for something simple (vegetarian chili, for instance) or exotic (Chicken Kiev, anyone?) and learn that the way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach, too.

Genius headline of the Day

England v Paraguay - Match Review and goals

That performance was fucking gay. Yes, we do have 3 points and yes, that is the kind of start to the World cup we'd have liked but its not the way we'd like England to be playing as they WILL be found out against the better sides if the continued playing like they did.

We've seen it before against Argentina, Brazil, France & Portugal and it's the same performance every time, normally ending up with us losing as soon as we try it against a vaguely competent team. It only worked properly against Argentina, and only because they were clueless in attack - everything was slow and through the middle, they had no width.

To sit back invites pressure on to you, invites the long ball game, invites the concession of possession, invites people to run at you and surrenders the initiative. The teams loses its shape and leadership and finds it self incapable of regaining the initiative. It may work in Italy but our players either do not understand these tactics or are incapable of using them properly.

That's a damning indictment of not just the team management, but also its leadership on the field. SGE has learnt absolutely nothing in 6 years of managing England - and neither has the team, it seems.

Dr Gypsum


The Best Boobs In Hollywood

According to a poll in Touch magazine, these are the ten best pairs of boobs in Hollywood (in order). Scarlett Johanssen came out on top followed by Jessica Simpson and Salma Hayek (my no1). Fourth was Halle Bery, Jessica Alba fifth, Tyra Banks sixth, Jennifer Love Hewitt seventh, Rebacca Romijin eigth, Lindsay Lohan ninth and Brittany Murphy tenth.

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